I have such a hard time to find the will to log on to this blog to write. It's like I'm paralyzed, and unable think of what I want to write about. Have I run out of things to say? Am I helping anyone?
My son's addiction is in "limbo". It's like, I'm holding my breath. It's been five months, now, that B isn't using. To say that I'm relieved, is an understatement.
I try to remain optimistic, and my son is a completely different person. I try not to "what if" my thoughts. I am living in the moment. My son is "normal". The friends he once used with are out of his life. When he isn't working, he's on his X-Box with his online gaming. He is on a very low dose of suboxone, and seeing his doctor on a regular basis. He says he has absolutely no thoughts or desire to use.
What prompted me to write is a comment that I received today:
I found your blog today. I'm 22 my story is very similar to your sons. Your blog is probably my moms thoughts. My mother and stepfather recently discovered my use. I've been addicted to opiates for 7 years, and I've hid it from most of my friends and family when they found out I said I was commited to quiting, but I wasnt. I quit for a couple days and relapsed. I relate to your sons lies and escapades. I just am having trouble seeing a life after this monster. I feel so empty and broken. I feel so bad for my mother and everything she goes through because of me. I dont know where to start but thanks to your blog I know I definetely want to start. I know I am not the daughter my parents dreamed of but maybe one day I can be
This knocked the emotional wind right out of me. How I wish I could give this young woman a warm and loving hug. How I wish my son could sit down, with her, and tell her what did and did not work for him.
I still receive private emails from parents whose hearts are breaking. It brings up feelings of sadness that I thought I had healed from.
I feel so helpless. I wish I had the gift of writing in such a way that I could give someone solid advice, or answers.
I'm just the mother of a drug addict. I'm a woman who leans on my faith in God, to give me the strength I need, when times are tough.
I used to blog here, several times a week. I had blogs I'd visit, and bloggers who would visit me to encourage me. Many of those bloggers are gone. I often wonder what happened.
Once in a while, I wonder-- is anyone reading this?
Then, I get a reader who leaves a comment about how I've touched them.
I'm here. I won't abandon my blog. I just don't have a whole lot to write about, because our life is "normal" and peaceful. Amen. I pray that I will never have to come here because I am afraid for my son-- because he has returned to his former life.
I think the reason that I avoid coming here, is fear of dredging up painful memories. I have forgiven my son, and I rejoice in where he is today. But the pain is there-- enough for me to continue to have compassion for those of you who are addicts-- and those of you who are the loved ones of addicts.
Hang on to hope. My son beat the odds, and we are closer than ever. I give the Glory to God, and His Mercy.