Tuesday, July 29, 2008

My vacation is ending

I am at the end of a month-long vacation. I'm so thankful to have had the time to sleep in, take care of errands and phone calls that I've procrastinated, and to take care of myself.

My husband and I managed to leave town-- he spent three nights hiking and camping alone. I can't hike, due to arthritis in my knees. I believe that men need their own time, too...that it's very good for the soul. I spent two nights staying in a beautiful home, with my best friend of 32 years, near Sonora. I felt as though I could literally leave all my troubles and worries behind me-- namely, my concern for my son.

My birthday was wonderful, spent in the Napa-Sonoma area with my husband...until my son called, very depressed. It put a huge damper on my birthday and so I turned off my cellphone for the rest of the evening, and most of the next day. I felt happy again, touring a vineyard and holding hands with my husband... eating a wonderful meal on an outdoor patio and feeling truly blessed. It was time to drive home, so I turned on my cellphone and it immediately rang.

It was B. He was frantic for his weekly allowance (from his trust account) so that he could buy gas to go home and get his insulin he had forgotten. He is so disorganized that he wears me out, emotionally.

My son's life is such a drama... he is always in crisis. And, so, the saga continues.

Is my son clean? I think so, as do those who are closest to him. If he's using, I have no idea how he's getting the money. He only gets enough money to buy gas, food and that's it. His rent is paid for, but that is about to end.

I feel connected to B, in that we have very open talks. I am noticing that I can be a lot more frank with him, and he doesn't get mad at me. He's struggling, and my heart breaks at the realization that my hopes and dreams for him are on "hold". I would love to have him come home, but my son is an addict...

The list of points I am trying to drive into my son is:
  • His sobriety is still his highest priority. He has to work the program.
  • He's not going to enough meetings.
  • I am praying that he will remember to come to God each day. I don't want to come before God, each day, with a list of things I "want". I want my time with God to be a relationship with Him... to admit my faults and ask for forgiveness and help. I want to ask God for wisdom. I hope that my son will remember this, too.
  • B agrees that he needs to give up his apartment in Benicia. His roommate started drinking again, because he's not working the program. His roommate is not going to meetings. I reminded him that this is exactly why the 12-step program works-- if you work it.
  • I have tried to remind him that our struggles in life are God's way of making us grow closer to Him. It's always God's way of saying "no".
B wants to come home. He says he wants to come home so that he can "save money". He's tired of being broke. He swears he just wants to go to school.

What I am hearing is:
  • B wants to be taken care of.
  • B doesn't want to get a job (he's lost three of them, so far)
  • He misses home, and that is very understandable. He misses the creature comforts of free internet, cable, food, shelter and security.
What my son forgets is how often I have heard his promises.

B says he has three choices:
  1. Move to Nevada and live "for free" (whatever that means) with a married couple who feel sorry for him (that's my conclusion) and who want to take care of him. B met the husband while in rehab.
  2. Move home and "save money" (again, I am hearing "freeload off mom)
  3. Stay in the Bay Area and struggle.
B called me over an hour ago, sounding very depressed. I can tell that he wants to come home. I had to tell him that (and this is after much prayer and discussion with my husband and someone who has been in recovery for over 20 years) that we feel it is too dangerous for him to return back to Salinas. Even if he's clean and sober, now, he is too close to all the triggers that could lead him back to using all over again.

B did not like this. I could hear his bubble burst. I think he was ready for me to welcome him home, with open arms. He hung up on me.

I do not think my son has made any kind of real effort to find a job.
My son has absolutely no life skills, and I regret that. I continue to give him ideas and resources to help him learn how to find a job, but he continues to be flaky in his follow through.
I was just like that, at his age. I made promises that I could not keep, just to keep my mom off my back.

That's what my son is doing. The problem is, he doesn't realize that I've been lied to so much that he has to earn my trust again. The only way he can do it, is that I see him paying attention to the simple things in life that he isn't-- like going to meetings, returning phone calls, tracking his money (he's overdrafted his account six times).

Today, I am sad. I'm sad to have to say "no" to my son. I am trying to help him. He doesn't see it now. He wants to come home, and I can't allow it. I will help B with his rent (from his trust account) if he moves into an SLE. Other than that, my answer for financial help is "no".

I'm also sad to hear that a dear friend's son is back to using heroin again. Her pain is so clear. Please remember to pray for the families who are dealing with loved ones with addiction.

Heavenly Father, I pray that you will reveal your love and forgiveness to my son so that he will feel your love, peace and strength today. I ask that your perfect wisdom would be revealed to my son. Please, father, be the shield from the devil's tool of discouragement. I pray that my son will not believe the devil's lies that he's a failure. I pray that my son will know how much he is loved by you, and by his family and true friends.

Proverbs 3

Further Benefits of Wisdom
1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,

2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]

1 comment:

Peter Shin said...

Praying for you...