Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Quiet Reflections two years after my son's addiction is revealed

Two years ago, tonight, my world as a mom came to a grim and horrible realization.  My son had a serious drug problem.  I wasn't sure what was going on with my son, except that he had moved in with his dad. B and I were constantly fighting.  His behavior was erratic.  He didn't graduate with his class, because he was 10 credits short. I honestly had no idea the depth of my son's trouble.

Two years ago, today, I remember B's father calling me in a total panic.  My son had a drug problem, but I didn't fully understand what it was. That's the truth.  All I remember is asking my boss if I could leave my job-- it was close to noon.   I remember driving to the local drug clinic, and finding that since my son was 18 years old, he couldn't enter their program.  I remember driving to the only drug rehab place I knew about-- meeting a woman who told me they didn't take insurance.  The number $8000.00 for detox made me spin with fear for my son.

She handed me a business card, with a phone number of a hospital that was located two hours north of me. She said that they could probably take my insurance.  In my car, with trembling hands, I prayed and I dialed the number. A voice answered. I told her my problem.  Yes, they take our insurance!

Earlier that day, someone I work with gave me the business card of a man who does drug counseling.  I dialed that number.  He answered!  I told him that my son was sick.  I didn't understand what he was using, but he was a mess.  His father said my son was smoking hash.  Ha!

Noah said he had an appointment to see my son in a couple of hours.  The treatment center had one bed available, but explained my son had to want to go in.

The stage was set.

I cried and I prayed the 30 minute drive home.  I called B's dad and told him what I had learned.
My son got on the phone.

"B", what if I told you I could get you into a safe place where you will be in a hospital. A place where you can detox. They promise you won't be stuck in a room all alone to do a dry detox."

The wait for my son's answer was agonizing.

"I don't want to hurt, mom", I remember him saying.

"You won't", I said.  I meant it.  My son was in trouble.

"There's a man who wants to talk to you. Will you go see him?"

My son reluctantly agreed to do that, but didn't commit to going in to rehab.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.  I waited. 

My home phone rang.

It was my son.  He loved Noah!  It turns out Noah is a drug intervention counselor.  My son was ready to go in for help!

Praise God!  I was so relieved.  We would leave at 6:00am, to take my son into rehab.

How little did I know what laid ahead for all of us!  I did not know my son was freebasing heroin.  I'd never heard of such a thing!  I was so naive. I was so afraid.

For the next few weeks, my journey was one of fear, anger, frustration and pain.  I tossed and turned, and I began a new chapter in my life. 

The calls of concern from my best friend, Cliff, family and friends was both overwhelming and deeply appreciated.   I started this very blog, because I grew tired of trying to explain things.  It's like a person dying, and people want to know updates.

In the almost two years, since this blog was started-- I have met so many wonderful people.  Ron & Barbara-- thank you so much for all of you loyal support.  You have been there for me in good times and in bad.  You have never judged me.  Cheri-- my wonderful prayer warrior.  I love your faith!   Some of my followers have stopped leaving comments... maybe you're reading still, maybe you've moved on.  I appreciate so many of you-- Madison, Lisa C... so many wonderful folks, and please forgive me for not listing your names one at a time.

I think that I blogged often, when I was still in my panic mode.  Blogging helped me to release a lot of stress. Sometimes, when I was angry, I'd vent here. So many of you came to my rescue.  Sometimes, a comment would hurt my feelings-- many of you came to support me.

But now-- I'm doing well, despite the fact that my son is three months clean and sober.  He's using methadone, so some might dispute if that's clean and sober. To me, it is.  My son isn't buying illegal drugs. He's still holding on to his job.  He's always broke.  His been served his final eviction notice-- though he's paid his share of the rent. He can't afford the rest. Neither can I.  At least his former roommate has been served, and hopefully he will show up in court. 

My son is showing signs of maturing.  He is going to face this, and we both agree that this will make him stronger.

One last thing-- to my newest blogger friend-- Tom, at the Recovery Center.  I missed your comment you made on this post.   It's where you felt compelled to share your views on my analogy about drug addiction being good vs. evil.  I won't get into a long theological debate on this.  I can see where you might have misunderstood my Christian point.

I do not consider drug addiction to be good vs. evil.  I do believe it's a disease.  HOWEVER-- please understand that I am not a spiritual woman.  I am not religious. I am a  Jesus loving, Bible believing Christian.  I have spent the last 8 years, immersing myself into reading and understanding the truths of the bible.

My point is that, as a Christian, I believe that we are only pilgrims on this planet.  This is Satan's domain.  I believe that God has a kingdom, and I know that when I die, I will be there.  That's my faith statement in a nutshell.

My point I was making is that the Dark One will use things like addiction as his tool, to make us fail.  I was thinking of how best to explain my point to folks who might not agree with my faith, beliefs, the Bible or Yahweh-- my God and creator of the Universe.  Remember the story of Pinnochio-- the Disney version, that is.  Remember "Temptation Island", where Pinocchio is tricked into going to the Island where they could eat all the candy and do anything they wanted. Only, they were duped-- and the boys began to turn into donkeys?  Remember Jiminy Cricket?  Well, Jiminy Cricket is the Holy Spirit-- Pinnochio's conscience. 

My point was that my son will be tempted to use again.  Because I believe that Satan is real-- my point is that my son needs to find refuge in God's perfect strength.  As Christians, we believe that God is above all else, and even Satan cannot stand up to him!  That was my point!

Had my son resisted the temptation when that girl offered him his first pills-- maybe he would have never triggered his drug addiction! Who knows?  But now, he needs to stay away from folks who will tempt him.  That is also a 12-step believe.

I do not demonize my son! By the way, my son believes in Jesus Christ. He made the choice, on his own, when he was 12 years old.  He just hasn't forgiven himself for what he's done-- so he thinks he is unworthy of God's forgiveness.  I never, EVER shove my faith on him or anyone else  I don't take insult in your honest opinion, Tom.  Unless someone really commits to being a Christian-- and they cannot fully accomplish this if they don't learn the Word of God, and surrender their will to God's... well, it's hard for someone to understand.

My definition of a "spiritual" person is someone who believes in a Higher Power.  But, that doesn't necessarily mean they are a believer in Jesus Christ.  I know "spiritual" people who worship the Universe.  I worship the Creator of the Universe.

I have shared plenty of my own testimony on how God and Jesus changed  my life. I was not a very nice person, until 12 years ago.  It's when I began to seek to know who Jesus really was and is.  I have only been a true follower for about 8 years-- and I have lost friends over it.  They were friend who didn't believe-- I still love them, but I won't compromise my principles that I try to abide by-- the 10 Commandments.

'Nuff said.  

More later...  As for my son-- I give God all the praise and glory for his mercy, his Grace and for making things happen to help my son.  I could not be as strong as I am without my Lord, Jesus Christ.



LisaC said...

Debby, I"ve always thought we have a lot in common in our journey. I became aware of my son's addiction two years ago, on March 27. I know now, with more knowledge and an open mind, a lot was happening before that date, but I was in denial. My son would not do drugs...and heroin was not a part of my vocabulary.

I find your journey, which you describe so eloquently in your posts to be inspiring. I continue to work on my relationship with God, but I am not where you are, not yet.

Thank you for sharing your journey with me (with us) and I continue to keep you and B in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather's Mom said...

Thanks for sharing the history with us. I find I read the blogs as they go on and then sometimes I get so caught up in what's going on "today" with them that I forget where they came from.
Like with B - I see him as doing the best he can post-addiction, sober, but still learning life. And I can forget where he was 2 years ago... or since I tend to see things from the POV of the parent... where YOU were 2 years ago.
Praise God for where he is today. Growing.

I understood what you meant in that post. I have a feeling my beliefs and yours are very close. Satan puts temptations of all sorts in our way to make us stumble; be it drugs, sexual affairs, or even chocolate cake! (hehe)

God bless.

John in Boston said...

It's unfortunate that it sometimes takes a catastrophic event to bring us (back) to the Lord Jesus. Wishing your family peace and happiness on this holy week as we celebrate the ultimate gift He gave us.

Cheri said...


You did a beautiful job here of describing the true Christian faith. There are many counterfeits out there, but once a person finds the true peace of following Jesus Christ, they know the difference.

I celebrate B's three-month's of sobriety with you! And I see him maturing through the things you share here.

Wayne and I pray for all our blogger friends. We hurt when they hurt, rejoice when they rejoice, and long to see each one find the peace of Jesus.

Have a blessed Resurrection Sunday!


Her Big Sad said...

Wishing you a blessed Easter celebration this weekend! You and your family remain in my prayers. I don't comment often, but I do stop here and read often! God bless!