Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter and more relfections on my son's journey

Easter is the most important Christian holiday, second only to Christmas.  It is a time to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is a day to remember that Christ suffered and died for the sins of the world.  It is a very humbling day for me.

I made an Easter breakfast for my husband.  B has his car fixed, so he joined us.  Later on, I'll bake a glazed ham, and a couple of simple side dishes.  By choice, I wanted this Easter to be a quiet one.  I've been over committed with projects, a busy and stressful week of work and my son's constant up and downs in his life. I am on vacation all of next week, hoping to use this time to relax, face some projects I've been procrastinating about... and to enjoy some quiet time with my husband.

B will join us for dinner, again.  I still marvel at how much better my son looks.   I didn't fully realize just how much opiates change my son, until he began to get better-- with the help of methadone.  Physically, he looks much better.  He smiles a lot more.  He has more energy.  He doesn't talk so fast, that you cannot understand him.

I know he's not completely out of the woods, yet.  Two years ago, at this time, my son was writhing in pain from detox. My husband and I had attended our first four-hour long class in addiction. My son's rehab did an excellent job with that.  We watched movies to better understand how the human brain is affected by drugs and alcohol.  Parents, children, and loved ones, crowed into a meeting room to learn and to share our feelings with one another.  I remember looking at patients who I would have never guessed had an alcohol and/or drug problem.  Some patients were visibly shaking...others were nodding off.  I watched loved ones interact with one another, and I felt so sad for many of them.

My son thrived in the rehab, where he stayed for 30 days.  He quickly charmed the leaders, and made many friends.  He was very sick for about 10 days.  He almost walked out, because the detox put him into a panic. But, he made it-- and he stayed clean and sober for six months.

I have to say that my son was blessed in every way-- from him getting the last bed that was his insurance agreeing to keep him there for 30 days. Typically, his insurance would only authorize 7-10 days, but because of his diabetes they were able to keep him in longer.

I feel bad for families who cannot afford rehab.  The cost was $36,000.  Our share to pay was $3,600.00.  I give God all the glory and gratitude for making it all happen.

Though my son relapsed six months later, he eventually returned to the same rehab.  He met two drug dealers, used while in it and sold drugs as soon as he got out.  This goes to show that even the best rehab center isn't a guarantee that it will "cure" them.  The bottom line, I have finally accepted, is that is my son's choice to fight for sobriety or to live a cycle of relapses that can eventually lead to jail and/or death.  Pun intended, it's a very sobering reality.  I do believe that the 12-step program is the best support any addict can choose to follow.

For my son, he still doesn't see the value in it.  For now, the methadone keeps him from wanting to use.  I have finally surrendered to my not wanting him to use methadone as a crutch. I have to say, that it has been the only treatment that has kept my son clean for longer than five day stretches. 

As for me, I continue to find support in my faith and the power of prayer.  My son surprised me, by showing up for Easter service last night!  It was such a powerful moment while we were singing "Amazing Grace" that nobody came forward to accept Jesus in their life... the pastor asked to sing one more verse, saying that a war is waged inside us when a person wants to become a Christian.  Finally, people began to come forward.  I could hardly sing, because I was choked up with emotional tears.

I thank God, that I heard that calling twelve years ago.  I am thankful that I finally wanted to receive the salvation of Christ, to be cleansed anew and to begin to take my first steps alongside Christ Jesus.

Blessed Easter


Barbara said...

Happy Easter, Debby! How special that B showed up for Easter service!!!! :)

clean and crazy said...

i am not a religious person, and i do not attend church, but your post moved me to tears, it is amazing to see people finally step up and accept their faith isn' it.
i am so glad you are in a healthy frame and you deserve this break. prayers for you and yours

Cheri said...

So very happy with and for you that B showed up at the Easter service!

Love and prayers,

Heather's Mom said...

I remember when Heather showed up at church one time last year - I cried - well, tears leaked out...

What a journey B has had. I agree a 12-step program (doesn't have to be AA/NA, could be at a facility, but the 12-step process) is the best. But, I am glad B has found something that is working for him. I may have a preference, but I'm not picky! Each person has to find what works for them - it is their recovery.

Praise God!

LisaC said...

I cried while reading your post. The amazing feeling of giving yourself over to God is so unbelievable and at Easter...what a blessing. I'm so happy for you that B came to the service.

I believe the 12-step program is a great program and when someone is ready to use it to its fullest, praise God. It didn't work for Bryan but I still believe in the program. It has certainly helped me in dealing with codependency, although I truly still have so much to learn.

Thank you for your post and I continue to pray for you and B and the others.

Angelo said...

I'm so glad B is doing well and to see how happy you are. I gave up the suboxone myself as I kept using on it and went on methadone and am doing great. If this is what works for B then this is what he needs. Happy belated Easter.


Shen said...

It is so wonderful how much you support your son, while still trying to stay on your side of the line... that invisible line between his life and yours. People do have to live their own lives. We can't do it for them, no matter how much we wish we could, at times.

Glad I found your blog.