Friday, March 12, 2010

Quick Update of encouragement and slow progress

I have been blogging here, mentally, for days and days! Sometimes, I'm just inspired to share the things I've learned in the almost two years since my son revealed to me his deep, dark secret of opiate addiction. Sometimes, I just want to share happy moments with my son. Other days, I want to vent. I just don't have a lot of spare time to write the things I so want to share here.

Sometimes, I drive to the ocean which is just a few minutes from my job. I park, overlooking one of the most beautiful and famous areas of the California Coast. I listen to the waves, eat my packed lunch-- sometimes I read a foodie magazine... or do a little bible study. Other times, I just sit and reflect on how blessed my life feels.

How is my son? He is 21 years old. Depending on how you feel about methadone-- he has three months free of buying illegal drugs. B says that he has absolutely no desire to use. Amen! He struggles with everyday life, of course. He hates his boss, he says. I try to rephrase that way of thinking to be "he is frustrated with his boss". Sometimes, there are people who are given power in their position as a manager-- but they are lousy leaders. Still, my son shows up to work on time. I'm happy to see that. My mother always gave me that desire to be punctual to work-- even early. Because we've been experiencing some heavy rains, that shortens his work day-- thereby reducing his paycheck.

B is having a terrible time with his roommate "A". Very long story, short-- his original roommate, who is on the lease, bailed on my son in January. I'm delighted, because M is living a very dark life. He was a terrible influence on my son-- a thief, a liar and I can only pray he is finding sobriety in his rehab.

In desperation, B's friend "A" moved in. He has been sketchy with paying rent. A is so heavily addicted to heroin, that he got fired from his job. My son is disgusted with A, but he feels he's stuck. He says he needs "A" to help pay the rent.  But A hasn't kept up with it. He smokes his money.  What's so sad is that I know "A".  He's not dangerous like "M" is.  A doesn't pack a gun.  He is a nice young boy of 20.  Unfortunately, he got hooked on a dangerous drug.  So far, he hasn't robbed anyone.  His family enables the addiction.  I pray A will run out of money, that will finally get him to seek help.

I can't help my son with that. His trust account is emptied out. It's gone. I have helped my son by buying him food staples, while he waits for food stamps to happen. I am angry at the multitude of rejection letters we've received to get my son any kind of medical insurance. Because he is a diabetic, insurance companies will NOT insure him! He doesn't qualify for Medi-Cal, because he is 21. If he had a disability, was under 21 or was homeless, he would. Hello?

The good thing is that my son keeps a positive attitude, despite his troubles. . He says that in the last six months (I can't believe how fast it's gone) of having to leave out house-- he thinks it was a good thing. He says he appreciates what he had, and he doesn't blame me for making him leave. We are closer than ever.

I am seeing my son take baby steps forward. He still gives up far too easily. He is afraid to deal with collection letters or being declined benefits. I keep telling him to fight it -- appeal them. Don't give up, because that's what insurance companies expect! 

Today, my son was bummed. He said that "A's" job hasn't' paid him back rent. The company that recently hired him hasn't paid anyone.A's family is beginning to call him a "loser".  I'm sorry for how that must hurt A, but he is so lost. B has tried to get him into treatment, but A isn't ready. 

I said to B that I see him as not wanting to kick out his "friend". Only A isn't his friend right now-- he's not A.  He's a drug addict spiraling out of control. I reminded him that this is exactly what I had to do to B last year. B was quiet...

So, I went on to say-- "You are keeping A from reaching his bottom." You are hoping for a drug addict, in denial, to miraculously come up with rent money. It's not gonna happen. He'll buy drugs before he'll pay you."

"You're right", my son said.

B says he knows someone who is clean  and says he would be his  roommate.

Give the apartment house a 30-day notice to move into a 2-bedroom and make it happen, I suggested. Give up on A. He needs help!

I feel bad for my son, but he needs to take action. My son has six months left on this lease. Sure, he could break it and ruin his credit for many years-- they could sue him for $2000.00 to break the lease....

My son cannot come home to live with us. We said to even consider it, he needs one year of sobriety-- and, his energy is so strong and overpowering (as in he's a chatterbox) that I hate to give up the peace and quiet my husband and I have come to know.

So many sad stories have come my way, via my job and my church youth group. I have so much wisdom I hope to share with people who read my blog. I don't want to post drama anymore. I hope that this blog will evolve to be a place where parents can feel that there is some wisdom and encouragement to be found here.

I hope to have more time to do that. Please don't give up on reading me. Subscribe to me, if you wish.

I am not abandoning this blog. For now, I'm feeling gratitude that my son's mind isn't feigning for drugs. I have my son back, and I pray that he will never go back to that dark world.

Even my own son says he is disgusted with A, and that seeing A's life in such a mess reminds him of where he came from-- and he doesn't want to go there.

Happy Friday. I'm going to make h'ors doevres and a cold glass of beer when I get home. It's been a stressful work week-- and I'm sick of hearing budget cuts and potential job cuts in the school districts. I don't want to lose my job, but I'm not going to collapse in fear.

God has a plan. I will wait and trust.


Tom at Recovery Helpdesk said...

Glad to hear your son is doing well.

It's too bad his roommate doesn't follow his lead and get into treatment.

Karen said...

Amen...your closing line says it all....

clean and crazy said...

this blog has evolved, you are doing so well. he really needs to get into NA and a sponsor. and tell him to count his clean time from the last time he picked up street dope, then when he gets off methadone he can start a clean date from all substances. a friend of mine did that and she did wonderfully on suboxene. it is good to count clean time and if he is worried about NA members telling him he is not clean on methadone, he simply does not need to share it in a meeting, that is something for him his higher power and his sponsor.

Madison said...

Quite a few problems here could be solved with a new job with group medical insurance and a new roommate. The very last thing B has to worry about is his credit. I hope he runs for his life from the addict roommate. You sound good, Debby. I have sat and stared at that same beautiful ocean and counted my blessings many times over the years.

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

Take your time...when you are ready you will blog easily and readily again, until then blog when you want and know that we are all still here and care always.

Angelo said...

I so glad the methadone is working for B. I just got on the methadone program on Friday. Slowly but surely B's life will get better. Right now his roomate is of the greatest concern and paying the rent. He's going to have to kick him to the curb and get that other sober guy in there. I guess he's stuck in that job he hates for now. With the economy everybody is struggling to find work. As long as B is cleaned things will get better. I'm glad to hear positive things from you and the bad things will get better.


Barbara said...

To me, this says it all:

B says that he has absolutely no desire to use.

Debby, that is AWESOME. The rest will follow. We've all had jobs we hate. I do hope that the roommate situation can change.

Its horrible how they are cutting costs in our educations system! I hope and pray your job is safe.

Cheri said...


Wayne and I join you in gratitude for where you and B have been and where you are now.

We celebrated our son's 23rd birthday with him this past weekend. We traveled to visit him. It is hard to believe he is the same person we took to rehab four years ago; he is a new person.

We are praying for your job security, and standing in faith with you that no matter what happens, God has a plan.

In Him,

Anonymous said...

This is so wonderful to read. As Barbara's blog says...recovery happens. May it be true for all of our children. : )
God Bless you.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes no news is good news. I'm glad to read tht B is doing so much better.

I wish B the best with his roommate. Really I wish the best for his roommate.


Heather's Mom said...

It's nice to hear your gratitude list at the end of the post. I don't know why this post in particular made me think of this - dwell on it - but for each one of us who write a blog having a child struggling with addiction or sobriety - each child has at least one friend struggling with addiction (in the case of this post "A"). With Heather, I know FOR SURE two of her friends have addictions to oxy. I pray for those children and their parents, wonder if the parents know, and if the parents have an outlet like we do to get support from other parents...
Hope I wasn't too much of a downer with this train of thought...
Oh, and I do appreciate how well B is doing, and how he can see what's going on with A...
God bless.