After weeks of unusually cold weather and late rains, it's a beautiful day and I am off for the next three days. I feel so blessed to have a community pool where I can swim early in the morning, and then relax in a jacuzzi. Trust me, there is never a time that goes by that I don't stop and thank God for where I live. Just twelve years ago, I was a divorced mom of a ten year old boy-- deep in debt, scraping by to make ends meet. Today, I'm happily remarried to a wonderful man. My son is almost 22 years old. He's also an addict. He will be, until the day he takes his last breath.
While I have been scarce on this blog, it's only because my son's dramas have (thankfully) come to a dull roar. Amen and thank you, God. He is still living with us and has kept his job, at the golf course, for nine months. Considering that he was using for the first three months, that's a miracle. B is also working at the restaurant, and he likes it a lot. Still, he doesn't make enough money to live on his own. I've been on this blog long enough, that I'm going to reveal the general area of where I live. I live on the Central Coast of California-- close to Big Sur, Carmel and Pebble Beach. Ever been there? It's a very expensive to live. My home is inland, where the real estate prices are substantially less from the million dollar-- and even multi-million dollars homes where I commute to work each workday. To live here, one must make at least $20.00 an hour. My son, who doesn't have a college education-- or even a trade-- makes half that. He works six days a week...sometimes seven but still doesn't make more than $800.00 a month, after gas expenses. I hope that he can live with us long enough to save some money. He's been paying us "rent savings" but he's eeking by.
B's methadone is tapering down, and he's beginning to feel "off". I'm not going to buy into the scare tactics. With all due respect to my regular blog visitor, Angelo, I'm not going to buy into the panic. I've had people tell me that they've taken three times my son's dose and they don't understand why my son is only at 23mg per day. I can't answer that, because I'm not a methadone expert. I can only tell you that California has very strict guidelines...far stricter than most states. I was told that because of my son's youth, that they don't want him to be on methadone for more than six months.
So, while I'm feeling thankful that my son has alienated himself from the friends he once used with-- and that his work keeps him busy and distracted-- I am not feeling a sense that my son's chances of not relapsing are 100%. I ever heard my son say that if he feels "sick" from not using methadone, that he's going back on it. He said, just today, that he doesn't want to use.
What I see in my son is a lack of motivation. I see him lacking any kind of organization skills. His procrastination in taking care of things is enough to frustrate me. I don't say much. Sure, I mention things or I write things down on our family calendar. Still, he doesn't feel any sense of urgency to take care of things-- like taking care of his health or dental work he needs. He doesn't manage his diabetes very well. Sometimes I think he just doesn't value himself. I take into consideration his immaturity and youth, sure.
Just when I find myself wanting to have "the talk" with him (about my frustrations) he greets me with a warm smile and I find him to be that son that I so love and adore.
I'm trying to keep it all real, with my son. For the record, I do believe that addiction is a disease. I don't think it's a choice. What I do believe is that there is a battle between Dark and Light. The darkness knows my son's weakness and wants to tempt him back into full-blow addiction. The Light-- which is God-- is my son's best and only defense against the spiritual attacks on him. I think my son is walking in the middle-- like a tightrope.
I pray for him every single day. I also think of my Blogger Friends, and I pray for so many of you who are going through even worse than I have. I do thank God for the reprieve we've been given. I can only pray that my son will embrace sobriety, so matter what temptations and spiritual attacks that come at him.
Thanks to Barbara, she led me to visit "Mother of a Beautiful Boy". I understand her cry to find other Christian parents of addicts. I've been unabashed in sharing my faith, eventhough there must be people who are non-believers who have stumbled onto my blog. No matter what, we all share the same grief. If you haven't already, please pay her a visit. She's beginning a journey that many of us know all too well...