Hello to my friends, followers, family and Anonymous Readers--
My posts are becoming fewer and far between, only because so much has been going on-- unrelated to my son. But today, I was not going to skip the making of time to acknowledge the women who are Mother's of Drug Addicts. I was laying in bed, in the early hours of the morning, feeling so thankful that my son is sleeping in his bed in our own home. The church that I attend has a 25 minute television show that comes on 1/2 hour before we leave to attend it. I had the show turned on, while I was getting dressed and ready for church. Our Pastor (who wears Dockers and Hawaiian shirts) was sharing the message of Jesus and his Mother Mary. I began to think about how painful that must have been for Mary to see her own son, being crucified on the cross. Then all kinds of thoughts began on my own journey as the Mother of a Drug Addict:
Two years ago, at this time, my son was living in a Sober Living Environment in Oakland, California. He was about 125 miles away from home. B had been out of his first detox/rehab for a little over a week. Today, my son is reaching five months of not using illegal street drugs. I hesitate to say that he is "clean and sober". That my son no longer wants to use drugs, because of the Methadone Clinic he goes to is highly controversial. As far as I am concerned, my son isn't using. I digress--
The foremost thought that was on my mind, before leaving to church, was to tell any mom of a drug addict--- "Do not blame yourself"! The only exception to that rule, is if a mom is also a drug addict and is using with or in the presence of their own children-- otherwise, it is not your fault.
In the theme of Mother's Day, I want to lift up in prayer:
- I pray for mothers whose drug addicts are nowhere to be found. May God give your heart strength and may He fill your pain with his loving presence and that you will hear from your child-- and that he/she is safe.
- I pray for mothers whose child is incarcerated. I know someone like that, and it breaks my heart just knowing the pain that has caused.
- I pray for moms whose child is in jail, and you are rejoicing because of it. I understand it. I pray that your child will find the desire and means to change their ways, because of it.
- I pray for single moms, who are struggling to make ends meet. May God fill your hearts with encouragement, financial blessings and windfalls, courage and strength. I have walked that path, and it is a very difficult one.
- I pray for step moms, who have/are raising drug addicts. I believe that a child doesn't have to come from your own womb. to be worthy of a mother's love. I pray that you will be a positive influence on the children who come into your life, through marriage.
- I pray for mothers, whose hearts are broken. God sees your pain, and he grieves with you. I pray that you will find comfort, strength, and friendships and support groups that will help you to find the strength and hope to deal with the sad and tragic stories of addicts who are out of control.
- I pray for moms whose drug addicts have found sobriety. I pray that you will turn your own story into one that will encourage moms who are just beginning this journey.
- I pray for moms, who have lost their own children, because they are drug addicts themselves. I pray that your life is changing into a life of sobriety, and that you will find reconciliation with your children.
- I pray for children, who have been alienated by their own mother because of their choices. If you are one of them, and are reading this-- I pray that God will fill your heart with the strength and courage to call her...right now, today...and to say "I'm sorry" and to ask for her forgiveness.
I thank God, for giving me the gift of Motherhood. No matter what choices my son has made... no matter what lies he has told me... no matter how many tears I've cried and no matter how much anger and frustration he has put me through-- he is my precious son. I have never regretted that B was my chosen gift from God. I would give my life for him, I know it. All the sacrifices I've made for him came naturally-- out of a deep love for him.
With the help of God, I have learned to accept my son, just as he is. I am the Mother of a Drug Addict, yes. But he is still that 9 pound, 12 ounce boy who came into the world 21 1/2 years ago. He might be 6'3 tall, but he will always be MY child. I am not ashamed of him. I am very open to people if the situation comes up about my son's drug addiction. I want God to turn my pain into my testimony.
There is a front page story, in today's local newspaper, about a father of two children. This man became addicted to Oxycontin when he suffered from a degenerative disease of his hips. He's had two surgery, and was said to be in excruciating pain. This men robbed several local pharmacies for Oxycontin. He was finally caught and was sentenced to four years in prison. He had no prior criminal history. He was so desperate for the drug, The article quoted, ""Sixty milligrams, every eight hours, month after month, year after year," is what he took.
I thought of my own son-- it is truly a miracle of God's grace on my own son, that my son is not in a jail cell or prison. I believe that with all of my heart-- for whatever reason, God protected my son from all the dangers of the people who hung out with, places he went to score drugs, and from a period selling drugs to feed his addiction.
My story about my son's drug addiction hasn't ended. For now, I can rejoice that he has lived with us for four weeks. He has paid his rent. He has few friends, as has severed most of his ties with those he used with. He goes to work, six days a week. But, he is the boy that I once knew. I see his loneliness, and I pray that my son will meet someone that God will send into his life. For now, my son says I am his best friend. That's a touching thought, but I am his Mother first and foremost.
I remain, guardedly optimistic. B is supposed to wean off the methadone in one more month.
While my son has failed (again) to buy a Mother's Day Card for me-- I have let go of my pity party over that. What I realized today, in church, is this:
I am absolutely positive that my son loves me. I have no doubt that he sees all that I've done to help him, and he is grateful-- though me might take some things for granted.
I am also thinking of my own mother, who has been gone for 8 years. While our relationship was never the loving friendship that I hope I have with my own son-- she taught me important life skills. I thank her for teaching me all the business skills I have. I thank her for teaching me how to cook, bake and take care of my house. I thank her for raising me with good morals (thought I took a 20 year detour from them) and to be an independent woman. She was a good mom, thought not perfect, and I'm glad I finally told her that I loved her-- and that I apologized for my disrespectful attitude as a teenager. I have peace in that.
Through all the pain and anger B's drug use has brought into our lives, I believe that he regrets it. He tells me all the time. My prayer for B is that he will find ways to deal with the storms of life. I pray that he will become a man of integrity and honor. Whether he embraces the love of Jesus in his life is his choice. Ultimately, I pray that my son will come to know the love of God that our Heavenly Father has for him. God has been so good to us.
I pray that for those who don't know it, yet.
With all of my heart-- Happy Mother's Day. I pray for miracles in your life.
Deuteronomy 64 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. [a] 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.