Sunday, December 11, 2011
The moment has finally come. In April 2008, I started this blog out of desperation and fear. I had just dropped my son off at a Rehab Center, in Northern California. I was spinning around, feeling a mixture of fear, confusion, anger, hurt -- and I could not believe that my son was a heroin addict.
I think the catalyst to start my blog, was when I read the book "My Beautiful Boy". It's a poignant story, and yet it gave me hope. My own thought was that I wanted to journal my thoughts, and one day-- when my son was ready (and I prayed when he was sober), that he would be able to read it. I wanted my son to try and understand a mom's point of view.
Well, that day has finally come. When B asked me if he could read my blog, over a week ago, I have to admit it made me a little nervous and a bit self-conscious. In a way, it felt as though I would be letting him read my personal diary. But, I did tell my son that I had a blog and that, when he was ready, he could read it. Being the kind of person who tries to keep true to her word, I told him "yes".
I explained to my son that I hoped he would understand that some of my posts were very raw-- these were feelings that I wrote when I was feeling anger or fear.
I'm feeling tremendous relief, to be honest. First, that my son hasn't been to the methadone clinic in five weeks. B has found, what he says, is a LOT of very useful information from Dr. Junig's blog, Suboxone Talk Zone. B was reading his blog, and emailed Dr. Junig. B was both relieved and surprised that Dr. Junig took the time to answer him. B says that he has a much better understanding about suboxone. He also says that, until he read his blog, he realized he was taking suboxone incorrectly. In fact, he's talking 75% less of a daily dose, and I can hear a different tone in my son's way of talking. I think that tone is "hope".
As his mom, I can only pray with both gratitude and supplication that the God I believe in will continue to pour his Grace upon B. Considering the stories I've read on other blogs, I know that I am very fortunate that my son is where he is today-- he is working, he is a good roommate, and he is a good person. Sure, he's done some things that weren't honest-- at the time he was using. But, that's in the past. I have forgiven him, and I believe that this has helped me to not become bitter and angry towards him.
B told me that he read my blog, last night-- for several hours. He was very nice about it, which is a relief. In fact, my son said he went blog hopping from my blog roll. He found Ron's blog "An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom", and liked it. While I've never met Ron, I feel as though we are friends. B also went to his son, Alex's, blog. B's comment was that he could tell that Alex was in a really dark place. He also said he completely understood where Alex was coming from.
B says he most enjoyed reading the comments. He said that he really wanted to help that young girl who wrote to me and asked if she was an addict. I get that, and I can only hope that she has gotten the help that she needs.
B also says that reading back to my accounting of events that happened-- from my point of view-- makes him realize that he doesn't want to go back to that lifestyle (when he was using).
My son and I both know that his addiction will be with him for the rest of his life. He is very honest and tells me that there are days when he feels as though he wants to use-- but he doesn't. Lately, he's been going to Dr. Junig's blog and is beginning to find that the internet is full of places where he can read and find support.
Yes, my son-- my fellow bloggers, and commentators, helped me through some really hard times. Even Fractal Mom didn't mince words with me. While, at times, it stung-- I appreciate her candor. I did have issues discerning the difference between enabling and helping and co-dependence. When I do go way back to ready my posts, I can see how my journey has become less arduous and that I've come a long way. So has my son. I do believe that he has an excellent chance of turning his life around. I've seen him let go of the friends who needed to be out of his life.
My faith in God got me through the pain, and continues to be a very important to me.
I am always humbled and appreciative of the anonymous emails/comments I get, from people who tell me how much my blog has helped them. You are welcome. It is why I continue to post, whenever I can. I have no intention of abandoning this blog.
I hope that my son will take his own experience and use it to help those who are just starting, where he was five years ago. I asked B if he would let me interview him. Without hesitation, he said yes.
The next post, I hope, will be my son's own words to all of you. As parents and loved ones of addicts, it is hard to understand the addict's side of the story. Especially, if we aren't addicts ourselves-- which I am not. I never grew up with alcoholic parents. Other than smoking weed, in high school, I wasn't into drugs.
If there is anything that you would like to ask my son-- please leave a comment. My son is now reading my blog. I'll get used to it. I won't hold back, myself. I will write from the heart, as I always have.