Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Mother's instincts-- trying not to worry

One day at a time-- that is what "the program" teaches/preaches. I know this.

Still, I am struggling with not worrying about my son. "Things" have been happening with my son-- not good things. More drama, more struggles and I can see the lack of joy in my son's eyes.

As the mom of a drug addict, I feel so helpless. It pains me, most, that my son has so much drama in his life. I can't imagine what it's like to be inside his head. He's always trying to clean up his messes. Financially, he's upside down and many times it's because of his lack of follow through or planning.

My stomach is in knots. My son's new job is on the line. B told me he had a feeling he was going to be fired. He has so many other issues that he told me about. Not one of them was positive. I can only wait-- hoping that another bad phone call doesn't come. I told my son how much it hurts me when he asks me for help. I hate saying "no". His eyes are lacking that joy that I once saw. He is struggling. I like what Madison said to me-- "tough love" is really "true love". I love my son so much and I want him back.

I keep clinging to God's Word-- did you know that the bible references "fear not" 365 time? It's true. One promise for each day.

Mathew 6:34 - (The Message Version) "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Father, you know my fears. You know my love for my son. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing. You are greater than anything else, because you are my Higher Power. You are God, my Creator. Abba Father, please fill me with your loving presence that I will not give in to fear. I trust you, Lord.


Dad and Mom said...

I know all too well the feeling of helplessness parents have when we watch our son constantly in turmoil. Then I stand back and say all of these troubles trace back to one common denomiator, using. I spent years trying to fix it, trying to explain it and trying to understand it. I have finally come to accept it.

Your son is like my son. They only understand what they can grasp right now, whether it is using, stealing, lying, dealing or just living. Consequences are something that is "future" and we know addicts don't do future.

When they someday come to realize that all the problems stem from one common denomiator they will be motivated to change. Till then you can just stand to the side and shake your head in amazement that the answer is so easy but they just can't see get it.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

My son is also like your son and I hate when the phone rings most days. Lately I have been trying to pay attention to my own issues. I know I am not a drug addict, but in a way I am an addict..with my codependent behaviors with my son. It is very difficult for me to make the changes necessary to regain my own health. I have tried for years to be less enabling to others and usually end up right back where I started, with a little more knowledge. I think my son is the same way, just with his addiction to drugs. He doesn't learn, just like I haven't learned after many attempts, but he has gained more knowledge. I hope one day your son will wake up and have all the knoweldge he needs to finally understand what has to happen for his life to be filled with joy and health. You are not alone.

Madison said...

I am joining you in prayer.

Prayer Girl said...

I turn the phone in my bedroom off at night.

I am joining in prayer too.


Her Big Sad said...

I'm praying Debby. I'm struggling with the "worry" thing today also. I can't think of anything horribly encouraging to say, just, I care, and I'm praying.

Cheri said...

I can identify with "Dad and Mom" and "Mom of Opiate Addict" so well. And with you, Debby.

You are all on the Glass House Ministry prayer list, and we are praying with you,

Cheri and Wayne

Athena said...

Oh Sweetie - am late catching up on blogs... I recently had a wake-up call to the reality of a parent's instincts and intuitions being valid.

One thing is obvious, you are a good mom who only wants what is best for her child... and it's hard that sometimes that is to step back and "turn it over" to higher power