Friday, April 27, 2012

Waiting.... processing... transcending

I apologize, deeply, that I have not responded to emails in the last few weeks.  This blog is very important to me.  The beginning chronicles my very personal story about coming to terms with the fact that my son is an addict.  Over the last four years, I have shared my very raw, honest and open feelings about being the mother of a drug addict.

Please know that I do read every single email that comes to me.  I try to answer back, as quickly as I can.  I've heard such sad stories from so many of you faceless people.  You say you are so relieved to know that you are not alone.  I feel the same.

Something has changed, recently, and I need to come to terms with it.  It's not a bad thing about my son-- who continues to do very well in his recovery.

One thing that has changed, a lot, is that my son is now reading my blog.  I knew, all along, that one day he would read it.  I hoped that by his reading my own personal feelings, that he would better understand what it was like for me-- the hurt, fear and pain. I'm okay with him reading it, but it does make me think twice about what I should or should not write.

I will continue to update this blog, because I truly hope to be a place where addicts-- and loved ones of addicts-- can read my story.  I'm not an expert, but I am a mother who can finally exhale.  My son is alive and well, employed, sober and our relationship has been healed.  I absolutely love my son with all of my heart.

So, what has happened?  Someone who knows us is also reading this blog.  Sadly, that person has their own pain (as I see it) and has been using what I've written to try and hurt my son.  I don't have all the details, and my son doesn't really want to talk about it.   The emotions I am feeling will take some time to sort out.   I have been very open in sharing my blog to people in my community-- only because both my son and I want to share our story, to HELP people who are going through this.

At this moment, I'm feeling like this person cannot have enough respect to just let us be.  Our story isn't to be mocked or used against us.

I won't let this person cause me to abandon my blog, nor am I angry with that person.  I actually feel sorry for them-- that they are so callous and behave like a "bully".  Sadly, this person is a grown adult, who cannot see that my son has worked so hard to overcome something that so many other have failed to do-- change their lives, their friends and find sobriety.   All those old friends, who dragged him down, are out of his life.  He has new friends, a job he likes and he's becoming a responsible young man.

I will write again, but I just have to process the new revelation.  If "you" are reading this blog, I hope that you will find enough respect to give us the privacy that we need.   What I have to say comes out of a caring heart, who wants to help someone.   Please don't come here, anymore, if your intentions are to be cruel.

'Nuff said.

That is why I haven't blogged in a while. I'll get over it, but I need time to process and to feel uninhibited about sharing some very personal thing about me, and my family-- like I've said-- to "help other".

Again, I have saved emails I've received in the last few weeks. I'm so sorry I haven't answered or responded online.  Please, do not think it's because I don't care.  I do.  That's why I write.


Socalreba said...

I have been reading your blog for about 8 months. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so open and honest. I appreciate you sharing from your heart. My son is recovering from heroin use and some people think he should just snap out of it. I am so thankful for Nar-anon support groups and I am so grateful to God for directing me to change. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Thank you, Socalreba. It makes me happy that I can encourage someone, or have some kind of positive effect on them. I pray, too, that your son's recovering will be a long and successful one. Nar-Anon is a great resource to find support. God bless you.

Cheri said...


I'm sorry it's been so long since I've left a comment here. I am so blessed to hear how well B is doing in his recovery, and I'm so happy that your relationship has been restored. God is truly wonderful.

I am also deeply sorry that you have been wounded as you've endeavored to share your family's pain to minister to other families. I pray that you will soon come to a place of peace in this.

Love and blessings,

Lisa Smith said...

Being a blogger myself, I totally understand how hard it is to have your words used against you. Just remember, pray for those that use you. God will be their judge. Keep inspiring. :)

smackhead said...

it hurts using, we need more than just prayer

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Dear Smackhead,
Yes, you need more than prayer. How well do I know this. my son had to reach the point where he wanted to be clean. I saw him suffer with withdrawals. He relapsed. Went clean. Relapsed, Went clean. Chipped. Went Clean. Relapsed... over the period of at least three years. Through all of this I prayed and prayed, as did many other people.
I've often heard people ask "what good does prayer do?" "Why doesn't God answer?" I'm here to tell you that he does, and he did. My son should have been arrested, many times. He was almost shot a few times. I do believe that God's Grace was poured abundantly on my son, because he doesn't have a criminal record, he's alive, and he's clean. My son "believes", but still doesn't have a strong relationship with God, as I do. What's important, is that I believe, have faith and I pray-- which is what God's Word tells me to do. May the love of God reach your heart. He is hope. May you find the help you need. It's hard, but it can be done.

Kiz said...

Thank you for writing this Debby. I have just started writing my own blog, after my son's recent relapse. He was clean for 7 years. Blogs weren't around when we first started this journey over 10 years ago, and I remember feeling very alone. I have been contemplating sharing my blog with family and friends this time around, in order for them to have a little insight into this devastating illness. Your post has helped me decide to keep it away from my family and friends - I do not want my words to ever be used against my son - he has enough to deal with.

Anonymous said...

I found out June 28th 2011 that my son was using oxycontin. How I found out was my jewelry was missing and a lot of it. I was in the process of moving and I just thought it was misplaced or stolen by the movers (sorry movers). Then for some reason it just hit me that maybe it's my son. Which I couldn't believe but it was starring me in the face. come to find out it was him. Worse day in my entire life. Never felt such pain. Not even with the death of my brother or my parents or the death of my 17 year marriage. Pain beyond belief. Crushed. This is my baby (22 at the time) now 23. I loved him, gave him everything. This could not be happening. A parents worst nightmare. He cried, swore he would stop. Begged us (me and his older brother) not to tell Dad because Dad already thinks he's a loser (another story) and he would ruin the rest of his life if he found out. Make a long story short. Thought he was doing good. Wanted to believe he was doling good. But last week I wanted to drug test him and he refused. Said he does it once in a while and if he knows that I will drug test him that will be his incentive to not do it. Won't get help. Thinks he can do it on his own. He never has money. Got himself into debt. Credit is shot. Swore up and down that his GF did not do it. I had my suspicions but again believed him. She comes from a very nice family. Just like he does. Well he confessed last week that she also did it but her parents found out and drug test her ramdomly and make her go to NA. I'm sorry, maybe this isn't the place to say all this but I don't find much help for moms out there. Went to a meeting for the parents of drug addicts a few times but hated it.
I pray alot. I keep alot to myself. The father still does not know. Very few people know. My biggest fear is that I'm going to find my son dead from an overdose. Oh and he also confessed last week that his Best Friend of many years also was caught up in it but his father put a stop to it. Really don't know what to believe anymore.

A very heartbroken Mom :(