Sunday, August 17, 2008

Reflecting on 4 1/2 months ago-- it seems a distant memory

For the last few days, I have been reflecting on the miracles that only God can do. I try not to rewind that fateful night, on March 31st, too often. It was the night when my son came to see me and I could see how ravaged his body was from his addiction to Oxy-Contin and to smoking heroin. I felt as though my son had been taken by a terrible demon, who wasn't willing to let him go. B was a mess. I don't wish for any parent to see their child as ill as mine was. I was so afraid for him, and desperate. I still remember, falling onto my knees and crying for God to give me help. He heard me. I remember how hard it was for me to give my son $50.00 to buy pills "from the street". It sounds crazy, but I was trying to buy time until morning-- when I could make phone calls to see how to get my son into treatment.

I remember how afraid I was, the next morning. Since April 1st, I truly believe that the multitude of prayers for my son have no only been heard by our Heavenly Father, but that he has answered prayers for healing, mercy and hope. My son was going through heavy withdrawals, and his father was so desperate to help him that he actually paid for more street drugs so that my son would not become physically ill. In desperation, I asked my boss if I could leave my job and I drove to a local recovery center. I didn't feel as though this outpatient clinic was the answer to help my son. I drove to another treatment center, only to find out that they did not take our insurance. I wish I could remember the woman's name, because she paused and returned with the name of a treatment center (in the Oakland Bay Area) that she heard was a preferred provider for our insurance.

I dialed the number as soon as I got into my car and I remember feeling that God had performed a miracle-- my son had an appointment to be interviewed into their program! The miracles didn't stop, that day. I had to convince my son to go in for treatment, but he was fighting it. He was convinced that a methodone clinic would be the answer. I knew that he was trading one addiction for another. I was given a phone number for a person who did drug counseling. Another miracle-- he answered the phone. He offered to see my son, that evening.

I remember calling my son and telling him I had found help for him. Would he do it? He paused for what seemed like an eternity.

"Yes", he finally said. I have no doubt that God was in control of all of these events. It went to smoothly. I remember loading my son into my Jeep, with my husband and his cousin who came along for moral support. To this day, my son does not remember his cousin being there. He was so loaded, that he says that day remains a blur.

Today, my son sat next to me at church. He was listening, intently, as our pastor spoke about his newest series-- How Jesus give us hope when we are at the end of our rope.

I strongly believe that the only reason my son is doing as well as he is today, is because of faith that God is the God of miracles. He is the I Am. God deserves all the glory for where my son is today, at this very moment. I can remember my fears for my son's life, my heart ache, my sense of being in shock over my son's addiction-- and I would feel a sense of peace that God was handling the whole situation.

My son's recovery has been a series of the right opportunities opening at just the right time. He has met people who have helped my son in his recovery-- with support, with small jobs. My son is about to start a new job on the 28th of August.

B has been staying with me, since this Friday. He is here because he needs a crash course on working around race cars. That is his father's passion and profession, so his father is beaming with joy and pride that his son is starting a career with race cars. B wants to stay with me for a few days, because he realizes he needs to eat healthy food and that he needs to get his body into shape. He sees that his diet of junk food and smoking has left his tall and slender body physically weak. He spent three days, working 12 hour shifts, at a race track and he sees how physically demanding it is to be an assistant to a racing team.

Today, the miracle that my son is still clean and doing well in his recovery, has made my heart feel a deep gratitude to God. I give Him all the glory and praises for saving my son from death-- and that is not an exaggeration. The odds of my son's recovery is only about 3%. That is not very encouraging. That B never got arrested is another miracle. I call that God's mercy. God has a plan for him, and I hope that my son finds the way to fulfill it.

Based on what I am seeing in B, today, I believe that he is not using drugs. He still struggles with sleeping well, and he tosses and turns at night. He relies on paxel to combat depression-- and that saddens me. He is still very immature, and I believe that his drug addiction stunted his mental growth. He struggles with remembering things-- all drug aftermath, he agrees.

I still catch him embelishing stories, and I still don't believe everything he says. He is still very manipulative, but I am learning to call him on it.

My son has a long way to go, and I don't forget that the demon of addiction wants him back. I am not comfortable with my son being back on his home turf-- close to all of his drug contacts. While he says he deleted their phone numbers, I don't doubt he could find a drug dealer if he really tried. He plans to return to his apartment in a few days. In the meantime, I will line up doctor appointments to manage his diabetes and to get his eyes checked.

I think that the reason I am not blogging every day, like I used to during April, May and June, is that I feel as though the crisis of B's drug addiction has passed. I need to remind myself not to become complacent. My son could relapse tomorrow, next month or in a year.

My son is a drug addict, and he always will be. I will continue to pray for him, and others who are struggling with this disease. Ultimately, I pray that God will use my son's experience to become a testimony to others who are going through this.

I will continue to blog about my son's addiction, how it affects me and to share other stories. I might not blog every day, but at least once a week. If I can touch one person's heart, encourage them, pray for them-- then God is using me for his Glory.


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