Wednesday, April 15, 2009

...and the addict lived happily ever after

Today's title is my daily prayer.

Gosh, I haven't blogged in a long time! So much has been going in my life. I'm the one who feels that she needs some serious therapy. I'm finding that I am irritable. Could it be that I just dodged a bullet in losing my job? School cuts are hitting my district. For almost two weeks, my knees were shaking. Rumors flew that someone, who had lost their job, was going to exercise (or, should I say "exorcise") their right to "bump" me from my job. Literally, they can use their seniority to take away someone who is on the bottom of the totem pole in seniority-- that would be me.

I'm usually "Miss Susie Sunshine" who tries to be perky and encouraging when people are down. When it hit me, I collapsed a bit. Overall, I leaned on my trust and faith in the Lord. My human nature, being what it is, started to work in my subconscious mind.

What does this have to do with my son? A lot. Everything he did was blown out of proportion in my mind. I had a mental breakdown last week. I am ashamed at my behavior.

How is my son doing?

He is loving his job. I try to give him a lot of props for his positive attitude. He never complains about going to work. He dresses and looks neat and clean. He is a grocery bagger, and he works very hard. I thank the Lord that my son has a job (heck, I thank the Lord that I have a job!). B says he realizes how blessed he is to have this job, and he doesn't want to lose it. One of the owners told me what a great worker my son is. Amen.

My son has given up ALL of his friends. 100% of them. Thank you, Jesus. Amen. A few weeks ago, B lost his cellphone (he's always losing things). His father is unable to buy him a new one (do I hear an "Amen"?) We won't buy him one.

I see this as a blessing. His phone number is "suspended". I am hoping that is a clear signal to his past druggie friends that B is out of circulation. Go away! Adios! Do not contact my son, thank you very much.

Our home phone rarely rings for him, if at all. There was that brief interlude where someone was calling here. I told him that he was not to be spotted at my home, nor to call. He was the "dude" who supplied my son with weed.

Will B live happily ever after? I can only pray...

Now, why did I have a meltdown?

There is controversy about ADD. Some camps say that it's a myth. Others swear that ADD is a real disorder. I deal with ADD at my school. In fact, I type all the 504 Plans (school accommodations based on things like this). I'm amazed at how many high school students have 504's for ADD and ADHD. There is a correlation with their ADD diagnosis and their grades and struggles at school. I believe that there is validity in ADD as a diagnosis, but I also think that this is over-diagnosed.

I wonder....does B have ADD? I say that because he can't focus. Sometimes, just watching my son, he seems to run himself in circles. He forgets things. He loses things. He starts projects and completely forgets about them -- laundry, chores, phone calls to make... or, is it the years of drug use that has affected his mental ability to remember things?

B cannot manage money at all. This has caused a lot of tension in this house. I should blog more often, because I could ramble on and on... I won't. Suffice it to say that my son lost $100.00 bill. At first, we (husband, too) and I didn't believe him. However, he tore up his room. It looked like a hurricane had gone through it. He was so upset.

B also lost a pair of new pants. Two weeks later, he found them.

He's lost both of his blood sugar meters. God knows where.

He's lost a set of keys.

See what I mean?

Last night, I really lost my patience. It was really stupid, in retrospect. I had picked up B from his job. B promptly made a huge bowl of salad, that could feed six people. I'm a "foodie" and I have kitchen tools that I treat with respect. I watched B using my expensive knife on a cutting board that I never use (the one that's built in to the counters). I winced at the way he was whacking away at it, but I bit my tongue. I was afraid that I'd get ugly, and I didn't want that to happen.

He left the kitchen in total chaos. I'm a kitchen neat freak and a germaphobe about how I cook. I can't help myself.

Two hours later, I'm unwinding and realizing that I have had little time to myself, to do something fun.

"When's dinner, mom?" he says...while sprawled out on a couch and reading a book.

I lost it. At that moment, I felt like I was the Kitchen Servant, Chief Cook & Bottle Washer!

I blew an artery, and I regret it now.

All I could think of was "why can't someone plan and cook a meal for me? I want to be cooked for and served. I deserve this !#$#$#@$....and then, I knew...the devil got me. Heck, take me out to dinner. Please. However, dining out is not in our budget. Not for a long while, really.

It was ugly.

My husband walked into the living room and hugged me. B looked hurt and angry and went into his room. I vented my feelings, and my wonderful husband sat and listened, and he said he understood.

This is wrong. This is so wrong. I was behaving like a whining person.

I ended up cooking dinner, from scratch. Fortunately, I keep pre-cooked ground beef (no, I'm not launching into a recipe) in the freezer. I opened up a can of crushed tomatoes and made a marinara sauce with some dried herbs from my garden. 30 minutes later, dinner was ready. I wasn't hungry.

My son and husband ate dinner, while I tried to calm down. B thanked me, and seemed to be fine with me.

When I returned to the kitchen...there sat the mess.


I think that the three of us have cabin fever. B doesn't have car insurance, so he relies on us for rides. My husband hasn't been feeling 100%... he's still fighting a cold that has left a cough and sore tonsils -- and he won't go to the doctor.

I'm feeling old, I think. Maybe it's the recent female surgery, because of my confirmed menopause. The job loss scare took it's toll on me.

This morning, I am thinking that my emotional problem comes from being exercise deprived (swimming) and not doing anything fun...for me, to try and save money. My son is not cheap-- his medical insurance costs $400.00 a month, not to mention his meds for diabetes and doctor visits. He eats a lot, too.

I still need to deal with my lack of trust in my son. However, I am seeing signs that he really is staying clean and sober. He is testing clean. He is always home, if he's not working. The phone doesn't ring.

Still, I feel sorry for my son. What I continue to pray for is that he will make new friends. A Christian friend would make my heart soar-- someone who would encourage my son to go to church.

I find my strength and am fed spiritual food when I am at church. I enjoy each Sunday morning, sitting next to my husband. I enjoy contemporary Christian music. I listen, with rapt attention, to our pastor teaching the Gospel in a user-friendy way. I pray that for my son. He has been spiritually drained, and I see behavior in him that is not coming from God.

Then again, when I least expect it, he breaks out in prayer and says the sweetest things.

There is always going to be a spiritual battle with my son. The Dark Side wants him back. But, my son says that he does not way to live that way again.

One year later... I feel as though my son is riding in calmer waters. He just needs to be aware of the sharks.

1 comment:

mother of drug addict said...

Everbody needs to have days where we can blow off steam. If we didnt do it we could never deal with what we do. Be kinder to yourself, you deserve to have a meltdown sometimes.