Thursday, June 24, 2010
I am reminded to love and appreciate those who are around me, because we never know when our days on Earth are finished. I've never found anything in the bible that says where animals go, when they die. I cannot imagine that God's creatures can leave such a profound impact in our hearts and lives, that we will never see them again. It is my deepest hope that when I pass from this life, that Savannah will be on the "other side", waiting to carry me home to my Heavenly Father's promised home for me. I long to be free of the arthritis that prevented me from climbing on to Savvy's back, one more time. How I long to feel her powerful legs running and carrying me, with the wind blowing in my hair. Horses are amazing creatures. She is the last horse I will ever own, though. She was the best of the best.
I just had to write this, as it's also very healing for me. There's no smooth transition from talking about a horse to my son. So, how is he? I will not say that he's clean. How can I really know? Unless I have my son take a drug test, at a hospital, that is closely monitored and testing for every drug on the planet, I cannot say with 100% conviction that he is clean. He admitted that he started to chip, in May, when his methadone dose was cut way back. He's on 40mg of methadone now.
I am reading about methadone, and I'm sad to say that my son is dependent on it. I had a fear this would happen, but I just kept hoping that it wouldn't. My son says he needs methadone to help him feel "normal". What a classic question this is-- what is really normal?
My husband accepts my son's honest answer. He was withdrawing and feeling sick. He couldn't find methadone on the street, so he bought heroin. He says he stretched it out, smoking just enough to feel "normal" so he could work. He's working two jobs, seven days a week. We didn't throw him out, but we altered the rules a bit. He's week-by-week staying with us. My son's relapse is a reminder how fragile sobriety can be.
I just looked at the time, and I need to go. I debated deleting about my horse, but I'm leaving it. I hope I didn't bore anyone, and I'm not asking for sympathy. I've had so much support from people. I wrote a more extensive eulogy for her on my other food blog. The outpouring of love was so comforting. I'm better now, and I'm healing with my grief. Seeing her photos and writing about her makes me feel a sense of gratitude. I'll miss her "horse medicine", though. Sometimes, when I felt angry or hurting, I'd go to her barn and hug her and talk to her. She was a good listener. The pain is easing. I'll try to share more on my thoughts of methadone when I blog tomorrow. I'm on vacation.