Lots of info, a little too late

Sometimes, in my effort to not "enable" my son, I should have done my own research. To be specific, I should have made my own phone calls to our methadone clinics to get the FACTS on how to get into the program. Let me explain-- I didn't make the calls, because I didn't condone it.

So, my son calls me right before my lunch break. It's my son, and the first words out of his mouth are, "Mom, I have bad news".

Does that make ice flow through your veins? It did me.

In short, B tells me he had a UA and came up clean for heroin and so the methandone clinic wouldn't prescribe methadone because he's not using.  He's upset, and I'm calmly telling him to slow down....  B says "I should just buy a little heroin, smoke it and then I'll test positive and then I'll get on methadone."

Sh*t.

I tell my son I will call him later.  So, I make the calls to both of our local clinics.


Clinic #1 tells me that they send their UA's away, and it takes 3-5 days for results to come back. They are mandated, by law, to find traces of opiates. It makes total sense to me. The law won't allow them to introduce opiates. I get it. Their 21 day program costs $300.00. Maintenance is $375.00.  B says he only needs 21 days, and the clinic does a blind taper.   If my son brings in his suboxone, that will help. Most likely he can get into this clinic, but not for another week.  In the meantime, my son is freaking out. But... he has no money. Zip. Nada. 

Clinic #2 is the one B says he went to, today.  Interesting...their UA's are also sent away. They wouldn't get immediate results. So, whose lying here? Why? I speak to a counselor. She explains to me that in order to qualify, the person needs to be IN withdrawals. IF the person is in withdrawals, then the doctor determins "yes" or "no".  There is no guarantee.

In the meantime, B is now on to wanting to find a doctor who will just prescribe the methadone.  I'm not liking this at all. It's a copout.  At least, with both methadone clinics, he has to take UA tests and there are counselors there. With the doctor, I have visions of cha-ching and that's it.

But, what stands out the most-- B says to me he can't do withdrawals. He just can't. He's scared. I can hear the panic in his voice.

I say "let's get you into a detox place". He panics. No way! He says he HAS to have a pill. He absolutely cannot do detox. He's almost hysterical, at this point.

Breathe, mom.

Therein lies the problem.  My son cannot build the courage to go through detox. I remember it well-- April 2008.  B is on meds for several days at his treatment center. He's all happy he's getting help. He's doing great. Everybody loves him.  We are told that to brace ourselves that the addict will panic, as withdrawals become worse. We are told that, under no circumstances, to pick up the addict (my son is two hours away).

Sure enough. The treatment center quits all meds for detox.  I guess there's no way around it. At some point, the addict must go cold turkey.  B panics, big time. He calls me at midnight. He's afraid. He's begging me to come and get him. I hang up, and start crying. He calls again.  Again, I say "no".  He calls me every bad name he can think of-- and more. I unplug the phone. B removes me from the list of people who are allowed to call the treatment center.  We come to the next class, and B is really sick. He's got diahrrea and he's vomiting and very, very sick. His blood sugar is skyrocketing. 

B made it, though. 30-days of inpatient treatment, my son was clean.  Everybody loved my son and said what a nice kid he is.  That lasted for, oh-- 3 months?

So, here we go again.  My son is convinced he's going to detox with methadone. I know my kid. He's determined to do it his way.

There is nothing anyone can do to change my son's mind.  My choice is to no support the decision. The money is in his trust account. It won't come out of my own pocket. I guarantee that.

I hate this. I hate that crap.  Who discovered this nasty black tar crap, is what I want to know? It has consumed my son's life and destroyed so much-- his health, his finances and I can't even help my son!

Merry Christmas.

I'm angry at addiction at this moment. This, too, shall pass. Later.  For now, I'm venting.

Thanks for listening.