Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Addicts Yo-Yo Bank

Zany title, huh...

It's a beautiful day in my hometown of California. While other parts of the country are freezing cold, I am spending my lunch break on a computer at the high school where I work. I am feeling overwhelmed by life in general. It's a good thing, because I have a job. Given the economic situation, I would rather be feeling overwhelmed and stressed at my job than to be unemployed.

But, this blog is supposed to be an update on how my son is doing. Today, though, I am taking a different approach. Today, this blog feels like my journal-- a way to unload random thoughts about my son, his addiction and his friends (who are mostly recovering addicts). I am going to forewarn you, readers , that I will have little time to proof read or edit today. So, I apologize if I appear to be rambling.

My son-- he's alive, and as far as we know, he is sober. I don't see any alarming behavior-- erratic behavior, anger, depression, lethargic body language...so I can only assume, and thank God, that he is okay. Of course, he has suboxone to help him NOT go through PAWS (Post Accute Withdrawal Symptom).

The rest of my son's behavior? I'm having a challenge distinguishing addictive behavior with teenage behavior. I don't seem him scrambling to help around the house. On the other hand, he is keeping his room neat and tidy and he isn't a slob around the house. Amen.

He is still a Master Procrastinator. That's where I struggle to find patience with him. I have noticed that I do not say what I am thinking. That's probably a good thing, or my son and I might be locking horns. I've also noticed that I don't get angry about his procrastination in handling things. I simply feel disappointed.

He's applying for jobs, but I don't think he's got his heart into it. This is the Yo-Yo life that I see in addicts. Take B's last place where he lived. My son and the woman who allowed my son to stay at her apartment (with her young daughter) have borrowed money from one another. Neither of them work. What's up with that? More often, than not, my son's friends (who are addicts) are unemployed and either living at home with their parents or they are collecting disability. OK, I see my son's point...somewhat. If someone is fresh out of recovery, or not IN denial of their addiction, they have a hard time keeping a job. But, I have a lot of resentment about that. That's because I am paying my taxes! I don't lie about my taxes, either. That's because I am a bible believing Christian who wants to follow God's Word. (I'd better stop, here, lest I write a sermon on that topic). Suffice it to say, that I observe my son spinning his wheels on how to make fast money-- selling things and borrowing money. If only he would put that kind of energy into finding a job! Sure, unemployment rates are high. My perseverant personality would not give up.

Just the other day, B's former roommate bounced three checks, for a total of $190.00 that she wrote in repayment to him for a loan. In the first place, where does my son get this money to lend her? As of today, she has not made good on the checks. She's in the psyche ward, from trying to kill herself. Crazy life, isn't it?

I pray for my son that he will put God first in his life. I have to pray for that, myself. Sometimes, my life becomes so unmanageable, that I don't stop to spend time with the Lord. I was recently reminded of God's commandment that we are NOT to put any other God's (or idols) before Him. Right now, I see that my son puts his social life before all else. He has, yet, to attend the church that he actually led me to join! Yet, I say nothing.

I know that God longs to have a relationship with us. But, God will not force himself upon us. It saddens me that my son wastes so much time hanging out with his friends. I suspect that he is not going to meetings as often as he says that he is. That is just my feeling.

I struggle with listening to my son on his cellphone-- no, I'm not eavesdropping. He talks loud, and I can't help but here his one-sided conversation. It seems that my son, and his friends, owe each other money. My son can't hang on to money. It disappears. Most people assume that it's drugs where it's going. Remember, he's passing his random drug tests as "clean". I think that my son is equating "joy and happiness" with money. He doesn't realize that breakfast at Jack In The Box (as opposed to my refrigerator of free-range eggs, organic fresh orange juice and lots of food choices), expensive energy drinks, gas expenses to drive all over the place, books at Borders and video game rentals all adds up! He becomes distraught when he's broke. As of today, he's broke.

My son is in recovery, yes. But, he has a very long way to go to finding some sort of maturity in his behavior. My personal observation is this-- Addiction is a very selfish disease. I think that my son has spent so much of his time worrying about how to find the money to buy the drugs he is addicted to. Sober or not, he has not learned how to break free of his narcisstic behavior.

Me... I've become a responsible woman, who tries to live her life with integrity. I have such a strong aversion to lies, schemes, cheating and wreckless financial behavior. I give the glory to God for chaning my heart to want to live my life in obedience to Him. My son doesn't understand that concept.

That's my personal struggle, right now. I need to learn and practice patience with B. I see him making choice and following the ways of the world. How I long for him to be the light of the world-- through our Lord, Jesus.

My lunch break is over, so I need to post this. I hope that what I wrote makes sense to anyone who is reading.

1 comment:

Maz said...

I wish you all the best. You are a great human being. In this scenario I would be the son, although not labelled a full on narcissistic addict, and my addiction is different but you are right when you say it is a disease that stems from selfishness.
You are a great person, and you are a lot like my mom.

Ironically, your son is not like you just as I am not like my mom. I am slowly breaking away from this selfish cycle of pleasing myself....but the next step is not accepting God.

It is very hard to accept God into your life when every thought and every minute of it is surrounded by pleasing yourself...

He will have to go slowly, learn the happiness gained from unselfish acts like volunteering or helping a friend and never expecting anything in return. The more he experiences these "highs" from life that bring you closer to God, he will find that reason to get closer to God...

remember this, the word recovered addict still has the word addict and me like him and many others will hopefully live decades clean, but addiction is a tumor that lies within one's inner soul...

All one can do is what one would do with a tumor, control it and hope it does not re emerge into a full blown cancer.. unfortunately we control this tumor...

Have strength, you are a great mother....

Btw i never write on blogs...ironically i was using google with the search opiate addiction happy to find instances of people who do live a life happy on opiates..

My results turned none, not even one...

Unfortunately explaining addiction to a sober person is like explaining blue to the blind..

Salam alaykum
(Peace be with you)