Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Home-cooked Love and a messenger

I haven't written for a few days. I wanted to leave my LENGTHY posting for a few days. Thank you, to so many of you who have posted comments, or emailed me privately. I intend to respond to those of you who have left your email address. Those of you who haven't, please know that I read and reflect on what is being said.

Right now, my son is on his train, headed back to the place he's been staying at for the last month. So much is happening-- and it feels good. Dr. Jeffrey Junig played a huge part in this-- and it all started from a comment that he left on this blog. But, I'm getting ahead of my most recent tale...

My son has snapped out of his "funk" since last Friday. B says that when he lost his temper with me, that he walked to the top of the hill where my house is. It has a panoramic view of our valley. He said that he asked God to give him one day of not feeling so sick. He also said that, looking down at our subdivison, he realized how much he missed home. He said that he didn't realize how much he missed the smells of my kitchen, and how much he wanted to come home.

My son says that he feels like the veil of darkness has lifted and he feels hope and joy. He says that "God gave me one day of not feeling sick."

B spent these last few days with his father, his sponsor and reading a book at our home. I could see a sparkle in his eyes. His affection feels sincere, without manipulation. We've had some really good chats. I am still debating if we will let him come home. There are some things that B needs to do to give us hope that he is sincere in accepting professional help, and working a treatment program. He says he has accepted that he is powerless over his addiction.

As a mom, I felt that I had my son back, these last few days. I was able to bake and cook for him, and to feel like "mom" again. At night, it felt nice to peek into his room and see him sleeping so peacefully. He's been very loving and helpful around the house. He just called to say goodbye and thanks... I miss him, already.

I wanted to share some of Dr. Junig's emails he's sent to me. I have read some of his articles, but I still have more info to read that he's shared with me. I let my son read one of his earliest emails. My son said that he felt so "connected" to the honest thoughts that Dr. Junig shared.

When B was having his emotional meltdown, he said that he could "hear voices". He thought he was going crazy.

I remember shortly before finally getting help on my first time around with addiction, back in 1993, how I was so depressed that I would swear when I heard birds singing. That was one of the things that motivated me to get help—I remembered that I used to like the sound, and recognized that there was no pleasure at all—and I knew I was really messed up.
The hardest thing about getting treatment isn’t the money—I have seen many people just ‘do time’ through an expensive treatment program. The most important, and most difficult thing in order to get clean is desperation—true desperation. Addicts are great at appearing desperate and asking for help, but almost always there is a hidden part that is NOT desperate. The addict usually doesn’t even recognize this part of themselves, and will cry out for help, claiming desperation, promising all kinds of things for the next day… but when a whiff of dope appears, or even just the hope of scoring something, the non-desperate part grows 20-fold and takes over.
The reason I said that money isn’t that important is because any 12-step program will have everything the addict needs to get clean—provided the desperation is there. A meeting costs one buck—and that is a donation, so it really costs nothing. The standard aa or na treatment plan is to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. Every addict will find 20 reasons to hate aa or na at every meeting—again, this is where the desperation comes in. A desperate person looks for the things to take away, and ignores the rest. A non-desperate person only sees reasons to stay away.
A 12-step program will provide everything for a desperate addict. AA and NA saved my life twice. What you can do is try to see desperation as the goal, and then to use the desperation to spur action. At some point you might even need to force the issue—room and board in exchange for 5 meetings per week, for example. One or two meetings per week is not enough—one per day, on average, is very doable, and can make a difference.

Last, but not least, Dr. Junig has given B hope...when my son read the comment from Dr. Junig, B said that he felt "connected"..."understood".

I pray that this "Messenger" is an answer to my son's plea for help-- and many prayers that have been sent on B's behalf.

Please tell your son that there is a better life. All of us opiate addicts think we are hopelessly unique, and that nobody would understand us (one of my sites is ) . Tell him that in reality, we are all the same. That is the most amazing thing for me as I treat addiction—the feelings inside are so similar, even as people feel so unique. Tell him I can PROMISE him that he can feel better than he has felt his entire life—but since the feelings are so different, t doesn’t come easily. But it does come—if he truly wants it. As they say in AA-- if he seeks recovery like a drowning man seeks a life preserver… he will find it.

Stay tuned...

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