Monday, January 26, 2009

A risky prayer to God

The toughest time for me is right before my bedtime-- 9:00pm. That's when I really feel my son's absence. I'm half-expecting for him to walk into the front door with his "Hi, Mama" and his big smile. Usually, he makes a bee line for the fridge to search for a drink and to see what he can eat.

Instead, his room is dark and the house feels empty. That's when my mind starts to rewind to reminiscing about the younger years of living with B. Sometimes, I smile, when I think of my young boy who was such a sweet kid. If I'm not careful, I think back to times when the "signs" were there that something was amiss, in my son. It's so hard to be the parent of a young drug addict. You aren't sure if their belligerent behavior is just part of being a teenager. Teens are sorely lacking in organizational skills. My son is one of them. If I didn't know better, I'd think that he has ADD. He's just unfocused, but brilliantly smart.

I am sleeping okay, though my mother came to visit me in my dreams. She has a way of showing up, when I'm feeling stressed. Mother's seem to have that instinct, because I can usually sense when things are wrong with my son.

On my way to work, is a time when I listen to my daily devotional on my iPod and it is my time to pray out loud. There are a few prayers that can be very dangerous-- one, is to ask God to give us patience. That's when he will put the slowest driver on the road in front of us...or the sales clerk who moves as slow as molasses. My other "dangerous" prayer is a powerful one-- and I said it this morning:
Lord, I pray that you will put enough pain and suffering into my son's life, that he will no longer want to live the life that he is living at this moment. I pray that you will send a messenger into his life, from you, and that he will cry out to you for help from his addiction. I ask that you will give me strength, courage and wisdom to handle whatever pain or suffering that your will chooses to put into his life.
Whew, that is a dangerous and risky prayer. But, it is a prayer from the mother of an addict, who knows that I have no power to help my son with his addiction. Only my son has the power to choose sobriety. He has to hit bottom. The more I run to help him, the longer I prolong my son tiring of his life. This is harder than you can imagine, because I am wired to nurture people who are hurting. Please don't label me an "enabler". I love my son, and I hate seeing him in pain. I'm sick of the term "Tough Love". "Tough Love" doesn't work for every kid. I'm the one who has to "tough love" myself. I have to let my son be left to his own devices. He is 20 years old with no life skills. It sucks.

Today's report:

B called me around 9:30, this morning. I have a busy job and zero privacy. B asked if I could buy some milk, because his friend "C" was mad that he drank it all.

Here we go again.

He started to ask me if he should drink milk with strep throat, and I could hear "C" talking in her very loud voice. "C" got on the phone and starting talking to me...but I was very uncomfortable, since I have no privacy and I don't want to bring my problems to my job. B grabbed the phone back and started to tell me that he found an outpatient program. I told him I could not talk, and reminded him of when my lunch break would be.

Well, at least he's calling me, I thought.

Text messaging is a great tool. It's a good thing that I upgraded my cellphone to have a keyboard. I cannot text from a keypad the way that teens do. So, I the text messaging began:

Me: Just to let you need to do all the work to get into treatment. There is no money left, so it needs to be your responsibility. You have insurance.
I can bring you some food, but I cannot give you money. I need to let you decide where to go. I love you.

B: I already called a place here in town. I'm waiting 4 their financial 2 call me. I dnt want want money but "C" has been treating me like sh** and charging me rent. Wow!

ME: This is the problem, isn't it? I am hoping that you will see how unmanageable addiction has left you. All I can hope is that you get inpatient and that you want to stay clean. There are drugs in there, but you have to want sobriety enough. How can she charge you rent with no money? Don't answer. Just wondering.

B: The $20 you gave me and I had 18 she said it was for feeding me even tho i ate my own groceries and she ylled at me 2 have you replace the milk we brought.

ME: You will need to find a way to get along. I am praying for you. It sucks to be at the mercy of people. Is God trying to get your attention? It breaks my heart. I'm sorry.

The text messaging has stopped.

This is the crazy cycle of addiction. My son panics and runs to me, or his dad, to bail him out. I instinctively want to kiss him and make it all better.

Then, I stop myself. I have to let my son suffer, and it's tearing me apart.

He has to hit bottom. God is in control.

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