Friday, January 23, 2009

A Mother's Day with an Addict in Relapse-Afternoon Edition

It's 4:00 and I've been at work since 11:00am. B's friend "L" showed up at my house. She went into his bedroom and shut the door. She emerged a few minutes later and said that B was going to get dressed and go for coffee with her.

B did not seem angry with me, at all. If anything, he looked confused. He's definitely getting his brain to come back into focus, but he's still very groggy. He left with her and I told him that I love him. "I love you, too, mom" he replied.

I just spoke with "L". She says that B has been sleeping at her place and that they've talked. "L" is like me-- a non-addict who loves an addict. She says that B wants to clear some misconceptions with me about what I found and what I know. I don't mean to sound jaded, but I cannot see how my son can explain what an oxycontin pill was doing in his wallet... or what crumpled foil, with traces of smoked heroin was doing in his bedroom trashcan...nor why he was so frantically needing to sell his golf clubs for a fraction of their value... nor why we found a small bottle of urine stashed and hidden. He's using. There will be a urine test given to him, and we will make sure that it's in our bathroom and that he is only wearing boxer shorts. We're on to that trick.

How am I feeling now? Very tired. I had to focus on my job, and I was able to maintain my smile and to be courteous to everyone around me. I don't want to burden my colleagues with my personal problems. That's unprofessional and I love my job.

Back to my son-- I can't tell you exactly what's next. Rehab, definitely. It's our condition for him to return to us. He has to test clean. No exceptions. He must maintain testing clean. Now, I need to add that he agrees to searches of his car and personal items, at any time.

I hate this. All I can think of is how miserable my son must feel. Undoubtedly, he feels really bad about what I found out. He's busted. But, more than that, my heart grieves for how unmanageable my son's life has become. I cannot understand the depth of what it means to be addicted to drugs (or alcohol). I cannot truly understand, but I can only observe that my son's addiction is the ONLY thought that he can focus on. He wants his next fix. Even suboxone didn't help.

Suboxone is not a magic pill. I knew that, but I was so convinced (by my son) that taking a daily dose of suboxone would make sure that my son doesn't use opiates. Anyone who believes that is a fool-- and I was one of them.

There are ways that addicts can "chip" by taking suboxone, then going off it enough days so that when they get their opiate fix that they get that "high" that they want. It is that "high" that my son makes him feel that he has no worries or problems in his life.

Therein, lies the problem. My son says that the only time he feels safe and happy is when he's loaded.

There is the face of the beast-- the demon of addiction that lies and steals the souls of those we love.

More to come...

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