Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What difference does it make?

I keep thinking about this posting. Whenever I'm feeling frustrated with my son, I find that reading these words helps me to not overreact to my son.

How is B?

He's struggling. He admits that he's relapsed, here and there. He even admitted, in desperation, that he used OxyContin-- once. A week ago.

Pause.

As a non-addict, the solution seems so clear? Go to meetings. Call your sponsor. Fight it! Addicts don't have that kind of logic when they need to use.

As an addict, I am told I cannot understand how "un-simple" this is. My son was on the verge of tears when he told me that there are days when he hears "voices". Hold on.

He says it's like a demonic voice telling him "Use. Use. Use." B says it gets so bad that he can't shake off the need to get high.

So, he chips. That is, he buys $10.00 worth of heroin for a quick buzz. He says that the need to use is to overwhelming. Then he feels guilt and shame. He also says that the drug he is buying is highly concentrated and that his withdrawals become worse than ever. He says the the suboxone doesn't even help. I notice how sick he looks. His lack of appetite. His lethargic way of hanging out in his room just staring at the television.

My son is in hell.

This morning, I was praying to God for wisdom. My thoughts were only for my son. I kept praying that my son would believe that he is worthy of being loved by God. I kept praying that my son would so desperately want sobriety that he would find a way-- his way-- to resist the urge to use.

My son says he is afraid I will throw him out of the house at the end of this month.

Then, I think of that posting... the one dated Saturday, July 18th.

I'm praying that God will fill me with wisdom. I cannot control my son. I can only love him, and feel deep pain and sorrow that he is struggling against the need to use heroin.

I have an idea. But, I'm in prayer about.

Throwing my son out isn't a clear-cut answer. I need to wait. I need to pray. I need to love my son in such a way that I don't allow him to manipulate me.

I pray that my son would feel peace and joy in his life. How can he feel happy right now? Other than work, he thinks of drugs.

My heart aches for him.

Mom

6 comments:

Madison said...

I believe that God is working in answer to your prayer.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

My heart aches for him too. And for you. Praying for you and B.

Dad and Mom said...

I am so sorry and I can truly feel your pain through your words. Sounds so contrite but "been there done that" doesn't even cover what I am so aware of what you are going through.

What I have learned just recently even after 6 years of this, no matter how much we love our kids there are things we can't do and can't help with. This was one of my hardest lessons. Yes it seems so simple to us non-addicts. The truth is I don't even want to know or experience the hell they are experiencing.

It is time to turn Keven over to other people that can help. Be it rehab, a shelter, or even a court ordered program. You need help.

A good rehab here in KS that is far from you and Keven's home is Valley Hope. They are fairly reasonable with insurance and all. Without insurance about $12,000 a month. You can find them online. If this is something that interests you let me know, I would happily meet Keven at the KC airport and deliver him to the Atchison KS facility. After one month, there are Oxford Houses here in KC and he could try to get into one here. A complete change of life and environment may be a desperate move that he needs.

When Alex gets out of The Center he must go to an Oxford House here in KC. He will still be on probation but he has made a start now and we can only support him, we cannot fix him.

Write me if you want to chat, teamplayer@aol.com
Then we can trade phone.

Madison said...

I'd like to add one more comment because many of us have lived right where you are living and heard a lot of advice. So, consider this as another piece. A doctor who has lobbied congress for health care and been addicted to pain killers himself told me that addicts don't wake up on a Tuesday with a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs and decide that today is a good day to begin the journey to sobriety. They will always think that tomorrow is that day. It is his belief that this decision is only made in a crisis - on the way to jail, on the way to the hospital... Yet, it's a dangerous game they play with drugs and it's difficult for loved ones to wait for that crisis. His suggestion was to create one for them. Quickly. That made sense to me because of the source. I don't know what that means for you. But, a move, a rehab, no roof, no food and lots of prayers doesn't sound unreasonable. Just shaking things up. Not sure if that is your responsibility or God's. But, I do understand the life and death consequences of waiting. God bless.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Hmmm, Mom and Dad - I think we are confused. You left a comment here but her son's name is "B", and my son's name is "Keven". I think your comment is meant for her and her son and you just confused the name. But I appreciate the thought and info too so thanks!

Dad and Mom said...

Yes I got to typing and got it messed up. Sorry to all.