Thursday, July 9, 2009

No cookie cutter answers or decisions...

How is my son?

I honestly don't know. It depends on the moment.

My son is opening up to me, a lot more. I can honestly say that my son is not an emotional burden to live with. He is respectful. He is thankful. Sometimes he sits in the living room and chats with us. We eat dinner together-- though, this week, my husband and I are taking day trips to enjoy our vacation together.

B still has his job. I have, successfully, quit waking him up. He's doing it by himself.

Just the other day, B told me that it's helping to meet with his MFT (marriage-family therapist). "M" and B going back a few years. He says that he needs to work his own program. I agreed to honor that. I will no longer watch him take his suboxone. I won't ask if he's gone to a meeting. I won't remind him to go to a meeting. "M" says that parents need to let go of trying to "control". It doesn't work.

He says he's struggling. He's trying to get into an outpatient program, but he's run into two brick walls:
  • One program, requires him to quit his job. He can't afford to. Jobs are scarce, as you know.
  • The other program will allow him to come eves (drug testing and classes) but it's $800.00 a month. They don't take our insurance.
I'm seriously considering using the last of his inheritance (with his permission) to pay for this. If this is what will help him. His savings is building up, little by little. I can see that makes him feel a sense of accomplishment. This money will pay his rent, wherever he chooses to go.

B says it's so hard. He cannot find the strength to resist "chipping". He says he's down from 5 days a week, to once or twice. He says it's been a week, but he struggles NOT to use.

Don't get me wrong. I don't condone this!

He has until the end of this month to test clean, or he's gone.

But, this is my dilemma.

How can I help my son without enabling him? He pays his rent, faithfully. He does it with a smile, and no resentment.

There are no drugs in the house, when we do a sweep. He doesn't appear to be using-- at least, not to the degree he once was. His withdrawals are gone.

If I throw him out, what will happen to him?

Living in our area is far beyond what his $800.00 can afford. Does his being allowed to stay help him to get help?

I am filled with such a deep love for my son. He is struggling, but he wants to stay clean. He says I cannot understand how hard it is to say "no" to heroin. He says it consumes his thoughts, every day.

Yes, I know the drill. I also know that meetings are no guarantee for success. I know addicts who go to meetings and then use right afterward.

Suboxone has helped my son immensely. He is not 100% free of using drugs. However, B says that without suboxone, he doubts he could have gotten this far.

I feel a small victory in our relationship as mother and son. He talks to me. It pains me to see the agony on his face.

How I long for my son to find peace in his life. He is tormented by the call of heroin. I have printed some of the comments I've received from addicts. He reads them, and we talk about it.

My son says that subuxone is different for everyone. He says he doesn't really feel the high when he chips. He says, for a brief moment, he has tamed the monster within. Then, he is filled with guilt and shame.

He is fighting to be free. He keeps saying how much he wants to be free.

He is home every night. He's not running around. He is going to meetings.

I don't know what my decision will be at the end of July. For now, I have told my son to look for a place to live.

I told him I don't want to throw him out, but we agreed...

He looked at me and said, "I understand".

Does anyone understand the torment that does to my heart.

I love my son so much. I want him back.

He is trying. I am trying. My husband is being understanding, but he is saying it is my decision to make. He doesn't want to live with the guilt of throwing my son out, and something bad should happen to him.

I take each day, waking up and thanking God for another day. I always thank God that my son is safe and sound.

I pray. I wait. I try to be understanding, with my eyes wide open.

I don't think that there is a standard answer on what to do. It's easy to judge others, when it's not your own child. Each addict is so unique.

My son has a good heart. He is trying, but he is hanging on at the end of the rope.



Carolyn Russell said...

It sounds to me like your son is at a point of WANTING recovery. It is such a hard journey, but it is when you want it that the journey can begin. I am a recovery crack cocaine user and I have 3 children, I also understand the deep love you have in your heart for your son, just like every other mother. Since it seems he does want to be clean now, maybe I would use his inhertance for treatment, chances are it wouldn't be a waste of money. I don't think I would be able to kick any one of my kids out of my house, using or not, but I guess I am probable biased since I am in recovery myself...All I know is that I am grateful everyday of my life that my family did not give up on me! It is such a hard call to make, my heart aches for you. No one knows best, but you, mom. Good bless you and I hope you get the answers you seek...Carolyn

MEM said...

It's so frustrating to see someone trying to get treatment, wanting to get it, and have so many barriers to it.
I have a loved one struggling to get and stay clean; he is a heroin addict. In our city, there are several low cost or even free out-patient programs that will take him if he can just get clean/detoxed. But he can't get accepted into detox and he hasn't been able to detox on his own.

Congratulations on the recognition for your blog, and thanks for writing it. I read it all the time.

Madison said...

To answer your question, does anyone understand the torment? Yes. I think doctors handing out these prescriptions should be hung by their toes upside down from high ceilings in jails in the middle of the desert for the rest of their lives. But I would add that there is no reason why any addict can't be surrounded TODAY by people in recovery. If inheritance money could buy sobriety, Michael Jackson would be alive. I will pray for you and your son. I believe someone is trying when I see feet shuffling into a meeting, not into a bedroom. God bless you today.