Friday, July 24, 2009

Numbing the pain and dreading the weekend

Well, here's a "first". I'm going to be very brief. Yeah, me... the 90WPM typist who unloads her entire life into an arena, before faceless parents and addicts. Me-- the mom who loves the Lord and who has been able to survive a lot of pain in my life.

I've shut down, for a while. I am trying to process my son's inability to manage his own life.

B lost his wallet. Again. For the third time in three months. It had his paycheck in it. It also had the store key to where he works. At first, I thought he was making it up. He's not lying about the wallet or key.

Did he lose the money or spend it all?

I don't know and I'm not going to make myself crazy.

I feel good that I processed the anger very well. I just put in my iPod and immersed myself into a book that has me totally captivted (Pillars of the Earth, by Ken Follett, if you are curious). I prayed and I just shut down.

It's Friday and my summer vacation has ended. I picked up B from work. He's already fallen into a depression. He hates the weekend, and so do I.

Dad & Mom have echoed my sentiments. The son represents a time when my son is most prone to wanting to use. He is broke and his car is in the repair shop. This is not a good thing.

I said to my son, that I've decided that he still owes us $50.00 for the week's rent. I don't think he liked that, but he said nothing. I told him I was sorry he lost his money and then my voice trailed off.

I said what I had to. My son needs to learn than when you are so irresponsible that you lose a wallet three times, in three months, a landlord isn't going to waive the rent. I made him a lunch, though.

I have made a special "tapas" meal for my husband. I have a bottle of wine chilled. B is in his room, with the door shut and I can hear faint sounds of the television.

I've decided to put "it" away, and to turn off my laptop and to clink a glass of chilled Italian Prosecco (that was meant for our wedding anniversary, until my husband became very ill).

I am totally numb. However, I thank each and every one of you for your comments and support.

My husband is home now... time to focus on my marriage.



Madison said...

Yes, this all rings familiar. We lerned that in our daughter's sweet way, if her lips were moving she was lying. Lost this. Depressed over that. Turmoil. Anxiety. We allowed this manipulation to go on and on. I will pray for you. The situation is very stressful I'm sure. In the end, though, you get to have a life too.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I know how horrible it feels but I can just say that I am super impressed by how you are handling it? You are doing all the right things. I just told my sister, every day that Kev is alive and not high is a good day. So today, so far was good.

P.S. Its funny that you type 90 wpm, that's another thing we have in common. It scares people how fast I can type :)

ChaiLatte said...

I hope your weekend is going well. You are all in my prayers.

When my son was home for that week before rehab I was talking to the person who runs Celebrate Recovery at our church and at one point during our conversation he told me to just "Get son into rehab, so you can get on with your life and be the person God created YOU to be." This really hit home, as it's so very easy to lose one's self when addiction is right in your face because it becomes your every thought 24 hrs. a day and our lives essentially get put on hold.

May God continue to guide you down the path that will give you the life He intended for you to have!