Reality sets in...

I want to thank Madison, Barbara and Dad & Mom for your comments. I might not write back to you, but that does not mean that I don't consider your advice or receive your love.

Thank you.

I don't have time to sit and write with a lot of thought and flow, today. I just finished my lunch break, an I have about 10 minutes left until I return back to the craziness at work.

B rode the city bus from his job to where his doctor's office is located-- about an hour ride. This is a first, since he has his own car. The problem is, the car is in the shop so he is relying on rides to get around. I picked him up after work. I enjoy our times in the car. It means that B is my captive audience. I've noticed that threse times have turned into golden opportunities to talk.

B said there was a guy withdrawing in the lobby at the doctor's office. B commented at how messed up this guy was, and then he remarked he remembers how bad his own detox was a year ago, April.

Good. I hope that God planned this out, so that my son can be reminded of just how far he has come. He's still an addict, and he always will be. Sadly, he's not clean and sober.

We stopped at the pharmacy to get his precription of suboxone filled and all of his insulin and diabetes supplies. Thank God for insurance, because the co-pay for suboxone is $40.00 for a 30-day supply (2 a day). On the way home from the pharmacy, my son exclaimed that he didn't know what he was going to do when he has to move out. He worries that he only makes $200.00 a week, after taxes. Given that the average room rental, or apartment share is $450.00 a month, he is realizing that he cannot afford the $396.00 a month to pay his health insurance-- let alone the co-pays that total about $100.00 for all of his meds.

Reality is beginning to sink in....

I have to say that it breaks my heart to no end. I keep seeing my son as that ten year old boy, in his camouflage pants and shirt...running around the fields where we live with his friend "R"... playing all kinds of boy games. I see that precious boy who was my greatest blessing in life-- making me a mother and I can only remember fond memories of watching my son grow. I still cannot believe that precious and innocent boy is now a drug addict, who struggles with opiate addiction.

I still can't fully believe this has happened.

I am so afraid for my son. Making the "right" decision comes and goes, with my way of thinking. I have a genuine fear of my son resorting to drastic measures to survive. Will he resort to dealing drugs? Will he be arrested? My son is a diabetic and stress can make his blood sugars soar through the roof. I wonder if he will be able to find a place to live. My son smokes, so that narrows down how many people will rent to him. Granted, he never smokes in our home, but he still smokes-- and his clothes smell like it.

In a perfect world, my son should pursue getting into a one-year program. But, the funds don't exist. His insurance will only pay for about 2 weeks-- maximum. Sadly, the last time my son went into detox, he met three drug addicts who smuggled the drugs into the center. So, there is not guarantee that this is the answer.

What is the answer? I don't know. I can only pray that my son will have a reality check when he's out of our house. I can only pray, fervently, that God will continue to watch over my son. I pray that my son will find a place to live where he's safe. I don't care if the place isn't a luxury resort-- it wouldn't hurt for my son to live a life without any kind of perks and luxuries.

Still, it breaks my heart.

How am I? I have my moments when I'm too busy at work to think of anything else. It's at times when my son is watching television with me, at night, and he is "normal" that I second guess what I should do.

My son is not a criminal. He is not using every day, and even then it's just "a little bit". It makes this so hard for me. If he was a thief, or an a--hole, it would be a slam dunk decision to throw him out. My son is a loving son, who is afraid and he cannot cope with life's ups and downs without needing some sort of medication.

My son needs to find peace, strength and joy from God. Right now, he has evil chaining him down from escaping addiction.

My lunch is over. I just wanted to unload my thoughts.

Thank you for listening. If there are typos or grammatical errors, it's because I have no time to edit or proof-read.

Signing off,

Sad Mom who loves her son more than anything else in this world.