Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Reality sets in...

I want to thank Madison, Barbara and Dad & Mom for your comments. I might not write back to you, but that does not mean that I don't consider your advice or receive your love.

Thank you.

I don't have time to sit and write with a lot of thought and flow, today. I just finished my lunch break, an I have about 10 minutes left until I return back to the craziness at work.

B rode the city bus from his job to where his doctor's office is located-- about an hour ride. This is a first, since he has his own car. The problem is, the car is in the shop so he is relying on rides to get around. I picked him up after work. I enjoy our times in the car. It means that B is my captive audience. I've noticed that threse times have turned into golden opportunities to talk.

B said there was a guy withdrawing in the lobby at the doctor's office. B commented at how messed up this guy was, and then he remarked he remembers how bad his own detox was a year ago, April.

Good. I hope that God planned this out, so that my son can be reminded of just how far he has come. He's still an addict, and he always will be. Sadly, he's not clean and sober.

We stopped at the pharmacy to get his precription of suboxone filled and all of his insulin and diabetes supplies. Thank God for insurance, because the co-pay for suboxone is $40.00 for a 30-day supply (2 a day). On the way home from the pharmacy, my son exclaimed that he didn't know what he was going to do when he has to move out. He worries that he only makes $200.00 a week, after taxes. Given that the average room rental, or apartment share is $450.00 a month, he is realizing that he cannot afford the $396.00 a month to pay his health insurance-- let alone the co-pays that total about $100.00 for all of his meds.

Reality is beginning to sink in....

I have to say that it breaks my heart to no end. I keep seeing my son as that ten year old boy, in his camouflage pants and shirt...running around the fields where we live with his friend "R"... playing all kinds of boy games. I see that precious boy who was my greatest blessing in life-- making me a mother and I can only remember fond memories of watching my son grow. I still cannot believe that precious and innocent boy is now a drug addict, who struggles with opiate addiction.

I still can't fully believe this has happened.

I am so afraid for my son. Making the "right" decision comes and goes, with my way of thinking. I have a genuine fear of my son resorting to drastic measures to survive. Will he resort to dealing drugs? Will he be arrested? My son is a diabetic and stress can make his blood sugars soar through the roof. I wonder if he will be able to find a place to live. My son smokes, so that narrows down how many people will rent to him. Granted, he never smokes in our home, but he still smokes-- and his clothes smell like it.

In a perfect world, my son should pursue getting into a one-year program. But, the funds don't exist. His insurance will only pay for about 2 weeks-- maximum. Sadly, the last time my son went into detox, he met three drug addicts who smuggled the drugs into the center. So, there is not guarantee that this is the answer.

What is the answer? I don't know. I can only pray that my son will have a reality check when he's out of our house. I can only pray, fervently, that God will continue to watch over my son. I pray that my son will find a place to live where he's safe. I don't care if the place isn't a luxury resort-- it wouldn't hurt for my son to live a life without any kind of perks and luxuries.

Still, it breaks my heart.

How am I? I have my moments when I'm too busy at work to think of anything else. It's at times when my son is watching television with me, at night, and he is "normal" that I second guess what I should do.

My son is not a criminal. He is not using every day, and even then it's just "a little bit". It makes this so hard for me. If he was a thief, or an a--hole, it would be a slam dunk decision to throw him out. My son is a loving son, who is afraid and he cannot cope with life's ups and downs without needing some sort of medication.

My son needs to find peace, strength and joy from God. Right now, he has evil chaining him down from escaping addiction.

My lunch is over. I just wanted to unload my thoughts.

Thank you for listening. If there are typos or grammatical errors, it's because I have no time to edit or proof-read.

Signing off,

Sad Mom who loves her son more than anything else in this world.


Mom of Opiate Addict said...

It appears we are in a very similar place right now, you and I. My son is 23 and also addicted to opiates, severely for at least 4 years. He has been to rehab and spent 4 months in jail, released on probation at the end of May. He did well for about a month, now he is using off and on. So far he is bobbing and weaving in and out of our home, but my husband (his step-dad) is about to the end of his rope. My son is sitting in my backyard right now, with our house locked up because of some things that went missing, small things, but still missing. We again will be discussing things with him soon and he knows that he will need to leave my house if his drug use and the behaviors that go with it continue. It is the hardest thing in the world, hardest. It is so different when it is your child to detach at all. He is my only son I (I do have a step-son also). He has no other relatives, his father died and his paternal grandma also from opiates, that is where he picked it up from. I go to counseling at least 3 times a month, starting to go to Al-anon and I pray to the Lord for divine intervention daily. God give us strength and heal our sons, restore them to the vibrant lovely men they truly are. Amen...

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

typos and grammatical errors don't count for parents like us :)

I am so glad you wrote this out even though it hurts my heart to read, and I could have wrote some of the exact same things! I see my son in his camo jacket with his friend "R" too! Paintball, skateboarding, bikes, just goofing off. Would we have believed it then if someone told us the future for our boys? No way. I would have thought the person was crazy, not my boy, he wasn't dumb enough to try drugs ever!!!

I am so sorry for your pain and worry. I love my son more than anything too. Right now he's out driving illegally (he asked for my keys because he left something in my car, next thing I know I hear him drive off...). He's been doing so good, so I am hoping he just went to see a friend but who knows?

I really believe the best for B. I can't stop believing that he's going to make the right choices and so is my K.

Praying for you, thinking of you....

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine the pain you are in because I live on the other end of the rope. At one time (3 yrs clean) I was the one causing all the pain.

I watch Intervention faithfully on Monday nights on channel 24 (A&E), I was thinking that maybe as a last resort you might see if they can help your son. I know the people on the show go to rehab for extended stays to give them the best possible chance to stay clean. Just an idea......Carolyn

Angelo said...

Please understand that he does not need two suboxones a day. Unless he is taking the 2mg. If he is taking the 8mg that is way to much. He can drop that to one a day and he will feeel no different at all. Please go to suboxonetalkzone. The Doctor has videos on youtube and will explain about the ceiling effect of suboxone. He can save a bunce of money if he can go to 4mg. 4mg is the same as 8mg 24mg, and 32mg. I really believe this is his wake up call and he can get some good clean time now that he can't afford to get high anymore.