I made my decision about my son. I've finally reached the point that I can't take the "Crazy Cycle" anymore.
My son is chipping. He's admitted it, and I've admitted defeat.
I am feeling queasy in my stomach and this whole thing feels so surreal.
But, there isn't all bad news:
Yesterday, I received the final payment for restitution from a crime that was committed to my son when he was a minor. February 2006, my son was carjacked. We were awarded $7000.00 in restitution from the 18 year old who was involved in the crime of yanking my son out of his truck, kicking him in the head and stealing the car. It was found, abandoned, in a muddy field and stripped of his expensive stereo, expensive golf clubs and cellphone. The 18 year old was sentenced to one year in county jail, but served 10 months.
Legally, the money belongs to "us". I have never used the money for myself. As the monthly payments came in, I use it to pay for my son's apartment and basic living expenses when he got out of his first rehab. I never handed my son cash, per se.
The finally payment arrived yesterday for $1800.00. I knew, immediately, that I would earmark the money to pay off my son's debts-- a $300.00 loan from me, the Department of Motor Vehicles, the I.R.S. (for a bounced check) and a parking ticket that is a year old.
The rest of the money I will set aside for necessary expenses-- if his car is repaired (the engine is supposedly under warranty) he will need car insurance and registration. Otherwise, I will set it aside to help my son with necessary expenses in life. I have vowed that I will never hand him the cash.
Of course, B tried to get the money-- saying it's "his". The devil is certainly working in my son's head. Yes, it's his money since he was the victim of a crime. He forgets that had I not carried insurance, his personal items would never have been replaced. He forgets the time I took off work to attend every trial. He doesn't realize that my insurance premiums went up and that we incurred expenses from this crime. In essence, we were all victims of this crime. It was traumatic for me to get a call that my son had been attacked. Mercifully, my son's injuries were not life-threatening.
The timing of this check is perfect. Once his debts are paid, he should have about 3 months rent money set aside and he's out of debt and in compliance with "Big Brother". He can have a driver's license again, because fine will be paid.
B didn't come home, last night. He called and asked me for a ride to come home, just as I was leaving for church this morning. I could sense, all day yesterday, that my husband was out-of-sorts. I suspect it's because the end of July came -- and went, and I didn't drug test my son. B already told me he wouldn't test clean.
When I picked up B, he looked like hell. I asked if he was ready for a drug test and he said he's dirty. He announced, "I'm out, I know it". Then he said I "had" to give him the court money so he could survive. He said he just wanted to say "F- It, and use and forget about everything else". This is the demon addiction talking to my son.
My stomach lurched. My heart broke and my whole life felt like it went into a tailspin.
He became very upset and began to argue that an attorney told him that money was his. I replied that he could sue me, then. I had already spoken to the District Attorney when the first check arrive two years ago. I could feel his anger growing. What I didn't tell him, is that I have documented every penny where the money has gone. Not one cent has gone to my personal benefit
Deep down, my son knows that I would never steal from him. If anything, I have given my own money to help my son try to find sobriety.
B wanted to come to church with me, so I took himalong. My husband had already left in his own car. During the entire service, I could feel my husband's anger. I kept praying though the whole service for God's wisdom.
When church ended, my son found me (he sat in a different area, with a friend) he got in the car and apologized to me for his outburst.
I have learned than when my son becomes emotional and angry, that I need to avoid allowing letting his outbursts from getting to me-- he's being irrational so trying to reason with him is futile. I know that's the addiction doing this-- and I know it's the devil.
At the end of the church service, I felt a sense of what I should do. That's how, I believe, God speak so to me. I don't hear an audible voice, but more of an intuition or decision that makes sense to me... it bring peace to me. So, I feel that I have made the right decision and I told my son that at the end of August, he must move out. I am giving him this month to find a place to live. He took the news well.
While waiting for my son, after church, I spoke with my husband for a few months. I told him that this was my decision. His whole face relaxed and he said "thank you".
My marriage does not need to be under attack from addiction. My husband has been more than patient, but I can tell that he is tired of all my son's drama. I have to admit that I've grown tired of it, too-- the (supposed) lost wallets with money, losing the house key, running out of gas and his mood swings and on and on. He's not violent, but the lethargy and lack of follow through has taken it's toll on me.
I want peace back in my home.
My son is angry with himself. I am angry with addiction.
I can only pray that my son will find a way to stay sober. I know, 100%, that I have done everything I can to help my son. I've tried to teach him life skills. The amount of rent I've been charging him is what he can rent a room for. He's going to struggle, big time. He won't have the lifestyle that we've given him in our home. He won't have the gourmet meals, cable TV and clean surroundings.
The odds are he will live in a "dumpy" place, unless he is blessed to find a nice home that is renting a room. The challenge will be that my son smokes. His credit might be a challenge, but we shall see.
It is up to my son what path he will take-- sobriety or full-blown drug relapse.
Giving my son 30-days notice will help me-- "mom" to adjust to the idea of my son no longer living here. When he's clean, he's a joy to have around. We have grown much closer in the last few months.
I have grown to be a better mom, I think. I've learned to listen to my son, and in return he has opened up to me.
Still, the demon of addiction is bigger than I am. My son is fighting for his life, and I pray that he will lean on God for strength. B didn't stick around for the whole service, he said. He said he was crying.
That makes me sad. I can tell that my son is in as much shock as I am, that he has to move out.
Once B moves out, I doubt my worry will cease. If anything, I will go to sleep each night, asking God to watch over him. I pray that I will not receive a phone call, in the middle of the night, that my son has either been arrested or that he is dead.
Such is the reality when an addict has not found sobriety.
My son is struggling, and so am I.
I am doing what I must do, but it's a very bitter pill to swallow.
My heart is heavy and sad and I wish I could just release it all and cry-- the kind of sobbing that releases months and months of living with a son who is an addict.
I pray for my husband-- with gratitude for his patience. I don't want our relationship to suffer. I made a promise to my husband that if my son used again, he would have to leave.
I must honor my promises. My son accepts it.
Heavenly Father-- you know my son's heart right now. I pray that you will send help to my son, to fight this demon of addiction. I pray that I am doing your will and I thank you for your mercy. I pray that this unexpected amount of money that has been entrusted to me will be used to help my son find sobriety. Thank you for all you have done for B. Lord, I pray that when my son moves out on his own, that he will follow your path. I pray that you will sever all friendships that B has with those who mean him harm. I pray that you will be my son's intercessor from the devil's plan to lure my son into his lair of sin and darkness.
Thank you, Lord, for hearing our prayers. I pray that my son will hear your voice, feel your love and that he will have a victory against the Dark One.
Give me peace in my heart, I pray. Thank you, God, for loving me and for the strength you give me when I am feeling weak.
My husband came home, and I waited a few minutes to go into our bedroom to talk. B had gone to sleep.
The tears finally came-- like a dam releasing so much pain, fear and sorrow. I told my husband what decision I had made, and I could see the sorrow in his eyes. As I write this, I can feel the tears welling up again.
These are cleansing tears. My husband is a wise and compassionate person. He feels sorrow for my son, and I know that it pains him to see me-- his wife-- so upset.
We talked about our marriage, and he admitted what I already knew. He felt frustrated that I didn't want to talk about my son's addiction. I explained to him that it was because I knew, in my heart, that B would have to move out. I just didn't want say it. I kept praying for a miracle, and I won't stop praying for one.
Finally, I can cry. It feels good to let it all out. I'll pay for it, later, when my eyes puff up and burn. They always do. My husband gave me a strong hug and I could feel the wall between us break down. We love each other, very much. I find security in knowing that he is my best friend.
I'm thankful that I finally let go of all the denial I have been latching onto. I'm not one to cry often. When I do, I always hope that this is my body's way of letting all the bottled up fear go.
In God I trust.