90 Days of Sobriety-- I sure hope so

The last timed that I blogged, I said that my son is using again. I might have been too hasty-- and I sure hope so.

"Heresay" is an interesting thing. I heard this from someone who heard it from another person, who heard it from someone else. Three tiers of people who all know and love my son, but I fell for "heresay". The information didn't have any proof...just suspicion. But, how well does this person know my son. Not that well, I found out.

Is my son using? I can only pray that he isn't. I did see B on Saturday night. He arrived at my house, late at night, with a big smile on his face and a warm hug for me. We chatted for a while, though my eyes were getting very heavy with sleep. I'm just not used to staying up so late!

I told B that many of us were worried that he's relapsed. He explained that it wasn' t possible for two reasons-- he says that he doesn't have the money to buy the drugs (and that's true, because we're looking at $100-$200 a day to support his habit) ...and that is he was using, he'd be so loaded that he'd be completely out of it.

Now that he mentioned that, I remember seeing him the day before we took him into treatment. His eyes were half closed and he was as lethargic as you can get. If he held something in his hand, his fingers would become limp and it would fall to the ground. He really was a walking zombie.

So, here sat my son with a big smile, bright eyes and speaking very coherently. As far as I can tell, he's the son I knew before the drugs took over his life.

Addicts lie. It's just something they have learned in order to get whatever drug or drink that they need. Addicts become so good at lying, that I believe they start to believe their very own lies.

Is my son lying? I have no idea. I can only hope and pray that he is on the road to a successful recovery. My son did thank me for all that I've done for him. He did tell me, several times, that he loves me-- and I do believe he means it.

While B was sleeping in his old room, I could not help but peek through the door. There was my precious boy, with his long legs and mouth wide open snoring in a deep sleep. For a brief moment, I remembered those precious days of watching my little baby sleeping to peacefully in his crib.

He's going to be 20 years old in just a few months. His life has been a very happy one, until oxycontin nearly killed him. It will be 90 days, tomorrow, since B was admitted into a treatment center for detox. So much has happened since then-- he moved into a Sober Living Environment and made fast friends with his roommate (who is old enough to be his dad). The two of them moved into a house with a third friend and that didn't work out. The guy turned out to be a raging drunk, who had relapsed. He's moved into an apartment with his friend/roommate and he totaled his car.

That is a lot for a 19 year old boy to go through, let along any adult.

I continue to try to be supportive to him. I'm trying to encourage him, yet I'm still trying to prod him into finding a full-time job. Still, he's just a kid and it's a tough world out there. I worry that he doesn't have the lifeskills that my mother taught me at an early stage.

I will travel to see B in the next couple of weeks, because my 30-day vacation is about to begin in 30 minutes.

I'm tired. I am looking forward to some R&R and to restore my heart of worship to my Lord.

Blessings,

Debby

Worse case scenario has happened/Feeling down and needing a lift up

This blog is to be read backwards. As I was blogging, I received a call from my best friend.
B's sponsor believes that B is using again. B has lied to me that he has no money. He has earned $200.00 since the weekend and his money is gone. He has not shown up for work, and that's why he hasn't answered his phone.

Dear God, let his not be true. Please give me wisdom on what I can do. Please, be merciful on my son and give me the strength that I need to make wise decisions.

Please, pray for my son.
---------------------
This is what I started to blog before I got this devastating call:

When my mom was alive, she used to call me and ask if I was okay. I'd ask her "why are you asking me that"? She'd respond that she had a "feeling" that something was wrong-- and she was usually spot on.

I've been feeling uneasy about B for the last two days. I've been praying that God would forgive my worry, because I know that He is aware of all things that concern us. Last night, I was laying in bed feeling deeply sad for the situation my son is in-- and how it has affected everyone who loves him.

I started to think about my precious baby boy, who was such a delightful and happy boy. He was such a loving son, and we had a lot of good times as mother and son. As in my first blog I wrote, I asked myself again "how did he get to be here"?

My hopes and dreams for my son would be that he is living with me, going to college and having fun with his youth. Instead, he is living 2 hours away in an apartment he can't afford with no job.

This morning, I prayed that God would prompt my son to call me, and that I would hear good news from him. So, my phone rang 30 minutes ago, at my desk. It was my son. Immediately, my heart felt a weight lifted just to hear his voice.

My son is feeling very down in the dumps, as I suspected. One of his friends, that he met in treatment, has relapsed back into drinking. His wife told my son that her husband disappeared for hours. He had recently lost his job and it threw him over the deep end. B was feeling really upset that his friend had relapsed.

Oh, my son is calling....

Roller Coast Ride of Motherly Emotions

I'm frustrated and I'm disappointed. That's why I am struggling to blog my feelings on a daily basis.

B is approaching 90 days of sobriety. Or, so I hope. It's hard for me to gauge how he's really doing, when he's two hours away from me. I hope he's clean, and if he's using I have no idea how he'd pay for the drugs.

Therein lies why I am feeling frustrated. Why doesn't he have a job by now? I can't understand this kind of laziness at all. I have worked since I was ten years old (for my mom). I got my first job at the age of 16. I've worked ever since-- with the exception of the first 3 years of my son's life. I got to be a stay-at-home mom, and for that I am truly grateful.

I spoke to B two days ago, and asked how his new janitorial job went. It didn't. He had some story how the job didn't pan out. Next, I asked what he's doing to apply for jobs. He had excuses and stories that didn't add up. He says he's been busy. Doing what?

I get a sinking feeling that my son is living in La-La Land. Somehow, I think he has no sense of urgency to get a stinkin' job! As I write this, my emotions are starting to stir again.

Why does he have such a sense of entitlement? I hate to say this, but I think my kid is going to have a reality check on August 1st, when he no longer gets a weekly stipend for his basic needs. I'm very serious about this!

I was going to see him on Saturday, but I've changed my mind. Now that I think of the cost of gas, and that I'd inevitably buy him some groceries (it's a mom instinct) and the price of eating out... I'm not going to do it. I see $200.00 being spent, easily. I can't afford that.

I've lost my inspiration, at this point, to help him out. It's hard, because I so want to talk to him...to hear his voice....to hear good news from him. My best friend called him yesterday, and he never returned her call. Her husband called him (he has a one day job offer for Saturday) and B didn't answer his cellphone and hasn't returned his call. He sure seems to have time to drive all over the place. I think he's having a party visiting new friends.

What the @#%#$%@ is my son doing all day long? Why is he too busy to go to meetings? Why is he too busy to take his resume and apply for a job? He won't buy a newspaper...he hasn't gone to my friend's house to surf for jobs on her computer...

I don't get it!

I am so frustrated, that I want to scream. But, what good will that do?

So, I have to wait and try to put this worry in the back of my mind. Fortunately, I'm busy at my job and I'm blessed to have a loving and supportive husband to come home to.

No word on B's car, yet. The last I heard, the insurance company offered a settlement but I have no idea what kind of car he'll get to replace it.

So, I guess I'm feeling helpless today.

Being a mom has been my greatest joy. But, being the mom to an addict has been my greatest heartache. Sometimes, all I want to do is cry. Today is one of those...

We all have to start somewhere...

I'm so happy that it's Saturday. My job has kept me really busy, and we've been battling a heat wave that my area simply isn't equipped to handle. Air-conditioning is something only found in movie theaters and restaurants. For the most part, the homes in my area rely on fans, because we have the luxury of beautiful coastal breezes and the evening fog that cools down the Monterey Peninsula. Last night, there was no wind and our house was a scorching 87 degrees at 10:30, at night.

I called B to ask how he is faring in the Benicia area. He said that the weather was 105 degrees. Youch! He did give me an update on what's going on with him, so I'll post this for those of you who are asking:

B has been working for his sponsor. For those of you who aren't sure what a sponsor is-- this is someone who has been in recovery, has and continue work the 12-step program and who is to be my son's mentor. B's sponsor is a drug addict who has been in recovery for more than 10 years. He owns a janitorial company. B's sponsor has a booth at the fairgrounds, so B has been working with him. He also said that, on Monday, he starts a part time job working as a janitor. My eyebrows went up..."a janitor...as in cleaning toilets and mopping floors?" "Yes", he replied.

With all due respect for people who are janitors, my first impression was-- wow, my son who has so much potential is working for a janitorial company? Wow.

Then again, I remember that when I was 16 years old my first job was working at a bed & breakfast in Carmel. This was not a fancy place, by any stretch of the imagination. Fortunately, my mother (being German and a neat freak) taught me how to clean a toilet properly. She came from the "old school" in that I would asked to repeat my task if it was not done properly. She was a Task Master, so I learned to work pretty hard.

No, my son is a pretty tidy teenager. Now, tidy isn't the same as organized-- but that's another story! People would remark that his bedroom didn't look like a teenager lived in it! However, if you opened up his closet or looked under his bedroom you would need a Hazmat suit to escape the fumes of abandoned socks that were stiff from crying out to be washed. So, I find his new job to be something I will observe with keen interest.

The upside to this, is that B will be with his sponsor a lot more. This man is my age, so I am hoping that my son will receive wisdom from an elder, who knows all about addiction. I have yet to meet him, but my best friend says the he is a "tall, big, black man with the happiest and funniest disposition". She says that he should be a stand up comedian. That's good, because anyone who knows my son delights in his own sense of humor. My son loves to laugh, and he has a beautiful smile. Of course, this is my unbiased opinion.

He says that he just about has a second job "in the bag" working at a golf course.

So, today, I am feeling encouraged. Maybe the fact that I have reminded him that as of August 1st, I'm not paying his rent from his trust fund that he has stepped into high gear. I sure hope so! Manual labor is good character building. Hopefully, B will strive to work his way "up".

Ultimately, it is my prayer that he will get a job doing what he is most passionate about-- playing golf. He's good at it and he loves it.

I'm still very concerned that B is not going to meetings. The job of his sponsor is to keep on B's tail to go to meetings, if not take him to one himself.

I'm feeling more at peace about B's addiction, lately. I think it's because I'm praying for him constantly and I am trust God to handle all of this. I'd be foolish to think that God's way of handling this is to "cure" my son. But, I do believe that God has been so merciful to my son. I still count our blessings for the treatment center, his sponsor and making the finances all fall into place. That B was not injured in last week's accident is one more reminder how blessed my son is.

No word on a new car for B, either. He has a car rental for now. Given that his father pays for his car insurance, I am letting him handle the whole thing. I would handle things differently, but that's how it is. (For those of you who have missed last week's blog-- he was in a car accident and totalled his car).

Till the next posting-- please lift in prayer those people who are dealing with addiction. In particular, please pray for those addicts who are in denial. Please remember to pray for the loved ones who are dealing with the hurt, worry and financial strain that the addict can burden them with.

In Jesus' Name,

Debby

How do I do it?

Recently, I was told by someone that they've been following my blog. That person remarked to me "how do you do it"?

How do I do it? Now there's a question that I can answer-- I am coping with the stress of raising a teenage son who has an addiction to oxycontin only because I have faith and trust in my Higher Power-- my God, my Lord-- Jesus.

I have not blogged many things about my life, for the simple reason that this blog is really meant to be my way of journaling my son's battle to resist the temptation of drug addiction. If I did share my life, it could be a soap opera. I have not forgotten the terror of witnessing the brutality of my father's anger problem being doled out to my mother, and my oldest brother. I have been thrown against walls, beaten with a thick leather belt and punched to the point that I wet my pants. I have experienced a lot of heartache and pain in relationships with men that did not work out. I have experienced being swindled out of money, a divorce that left me almost penniless.

I have struggled with the collateral damage from these experiences as a woman with a very low self-esteem and a lot of anger. The turning point in my life was when I realized that I still matter to God. It has taken a lot of years to understand how much I am loved by God and how much he wants to bless me. It has, also, taken many years to forgive myself for the things I've done to hurt other people. That epiphany came when I realized that God promises that he forgives our sins-- never to be remembered again. For that reason, I strive to have more compassion and forgiveness towards others.

In short, my faith in God has taken my mess and turned it into my message. As Christians, we are called upon to share the truth of the gospel, but that's easier said than done. I don't have the gift of evangelism as far as "preaching". Instead, I try to live my life as an example of how God changed my heart. It is my hope that if someone reads how I have found healing from my past, that I would inspire them.

Each day, I feel strength when I pray. I could write a whole chapter on how I've learned to pray FOR others-- and I try to lift up my prayers for those people who are struggling with addiction...and for their loved ones. I know that I have people reading this blog who are struggling along with me. I can get long-winded, so I will focus on an update about my son and how I'm doing.

As for B-- he continues to be "high maintenance". He is still unemployed and I have no idea just how much time he's devoting into finding a job. My gut feeling is that it's "not much".

On Monday, B discovered that he'd left his insulin in the trunk of his car, in sweltering heat. Naturally, the insulin was ruined. So, B had to race back to Salinas to the diabetes center for a prescription. Evidentially, B stopped at his dad's house on the way home (for gas money, most likely). His father suspected that B was using when he saw him on Monday. His father says that B was speaking a mile a minute and his eyes look dilated. I'm not sure how much credibility his suspicions have-- given that he didn't take any of the four week series of 4 hour classes that were offered at B's treatment center. He's never attended any kind of 12-step meetings. I'm not an expert, but I understand addiction a lot more than he does.

If B is using, I have no idea where he's getting the money for it. He's only getting enough money out of his trust fund to pay for one weekly tank of gas, and groceries. I told my son, directly, that his father was concerned. I told my son that I am concerned that he could relapse, but ultimately the burden of responsibility for his recovery is himself. He swears he's not using, but I cannot worry about what I have no control over. If he's going to use, then there is nothing anyone can do to stop him.

Yes, my son is high maintenance-- he does not seem to feel an urgency to get a job. I'm sticking with my deadline on financial help. I never know what each day will bring-- so far I've had to deal with his drunken first roommate taking rent and throwing him out, to his car accident. What's next?

So, how do I cope with all of this? Suffice it to say that I've been in the trenches of life's battle enough times that I'm pretty thick skinned. Every single day, I need to remind myself that God has a purpose and a plan for each and every one of us. I can either choose to spend each day with my own agenda, or I can talk to God in prayer-- ASKING Him to give me his Godly wisdom and that I would follow His will. I believe that our God is an omnipotent God and that there is nothing about my thoughts, my life and my future that he does not know.

I feel blessed, despite all that I've been through. I would not choose to become younger again if I had to regress in my life's experiences and wisdom. That's why it's painful for me to watch my son making choices that are not obedient to God's word.

But...that's another message. I can only say that my strength comes from God's promise and love for me-- and that is all that I need when I feel troubled and afraid.

--Debby--