Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Roller Coast Ride of Motherly Emotions

I'm frustrated and I'm disappointed. That's why I am struggling to blog my feelings on a daily basis.

B is approaching 90 days of sobriety. Or, so I hope. It's hard for me to gauge how he's really doing, when he's two hours away from me. I hope he's clean, and if he's using I have no idea how he'd pay for the drugs.

Therein lies why I am feeling frustrated. Why doesn't he have a job by now? I can't understand this kind of laziness at all. I have worked since I was ten years old (for my mom). I got my first job at the age of 16. I've worked ever since-- with the exception of the first 3 years of my son's life. I got to be a stay-at-home mom, and for that I am truly grateful.

I spoke to B two days ago, and asked how his new janitorial job went. It didn't. He had some story how the job didn't pan out. Next, I asked what he's doing to apply for jobs. He had excuses and stories that didn't add up. He says he's been busy. Doing what?

I get a sinking feeling that my son is living in La-La Land. Somehow, I think he has no sense of urgency to get a stinkin' job! As I write this, my emotions are starting to stir again.

Why does he have such a sense of entitlement? I hate to say this, but I think my kid is going to have a reality check on August 1st, when he no longer gets a weekly stipend for his basic needs. I'm very serious about this!

I was going to see him on Saturday, but I've changed my mind. Now that I think of the cost of gas, and that I'd inevitably buy him some groceries (it's a mom instinct) and the price of eating out... I'm not going to do it. I see $200.00 being spent, easily. I can't afford that.

I've lost my inspiration, at this point, to help him out. It's hard, because I so want to talk to him...to hear his voice....to hear good news from him. My best friend called him yesterday, and he never returned her call. Her husband called him (he has a one day job offer for Saturday) and B didn't answer his cellphone and hasn't returned his call. He sure seems to have time to drive all over the place. I think he's having a party visiting new friends.

What the @#%#$%@ is my son doing all day long? Why is he too busy to go to meetings? Why is he too busy to take his resume and apply for a job? He won't buy a newspaper...he hasn't gone to my friend's house to surf for jobs on her computer...

I don't get it!

I am so frustrated, that I want to scream. But, what good will that do?

So, I have to wait and try to put this worry in the back of my mind. Fortunately, I'm busy at my job and I'm blessed to have a loving and supportive husband to come home to.

No word on B's car, yet. The last I heard, the insurance company offered a settlement but I have no idea what kind of car he'll get to replace it.

So, I guess I'm feeling helpless today.

Being a mom has been my greatest joy. But, being the mom to an addict has been my greatest heartache. Sometimes, all I want to do is cry. Today is one of those...

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