Monday, November 24, 2008

My son is his own person...his addiction is lying to him

I have just a short amount of time to respond to two comments that were left for me.
First, and foremost—thank you! I am very “learnable” and I am very appreciative of any constructive criticism or advice.

What I might not have recently conveyed (I have been journaling about this for six months) is that I am fully aware that there is no cure for addiction. I agree, that it is unreasonable to expect my son to stop. He can’t. I believe that my son can only learn to “control” it. I have accepted that he will battle this for the rest of his life. The 12-Steps is what his treatment center follows and I think it’s a good plan. My son needs a sponsor and to go to meetings.

While it might seem to strangers (who are reading this blog) that it appears “I want my son to be the kid that I want him to be” I think I’ve been misunderstood. I am grieving the loss of the kid that I once had. I have seen how his addiction has changed him—the lies, manipulation and his lack of motivation (he’s been fired from every job he has briefly held). I do not think that my son is a bad kid. He’s my joy. But, I have been living each day worrying that my son is okay. He’s been carjacked, robbed and mugged. He can’t manage money and he can’t be trusted with money. He’s wrecked his car three times. I know that my son’s addiction isn’t about me—but it has affected me. I wake up, at night, praying that he’s okay. I miss him. I cannot imagine that the life he has now can be a happy one. He is depressed. I am grieving for my hopes and dreams for this kid. I wish he was living at home, with me, and either holding down a job or going to school. It’s hard for him to make ends meet, and I would love to help him. But, I can’t!

What would make me happy is to see my son being honest about his addiction. He is trying to detox himself in his own way. He is not following the recommendation of his treatment center. He is in denial. He is still using subutex (that he buys from friends), and prescriptions drugs to help him sleep and for anxiety. He is also a Type I diabetic. He has fantastic medical insurance (that we pay for), but I can’t get him to see the doctors he needs to help him with his diabetes. He won’t take care of his teeth, even though he has dental insurance. Do I sound nitpicky? Think about it— I care about my son’s health and mental well-being!

What my son does with his life (career-wise) is entirely up to him. If he chooses not to go to college, it’s not for me to force this on him. (He’s dropped out, twice, at my expense).
The scariest part for me is that I cannot afford to support him. I don’t have the money.

So my quandary is where does my son go from here? All the drug experts tell me that I should NOT let him live with me. He can’t live here, because this is where he knows how to find the drugs. He won’t get a job and I can’t deal with him lazing about and hitting me up for money.

You see?

It’s all so complicated. No matter what—I am trying to be the mom he can call when he’s upset, angry, afraid and confused. I’m learning to keep my voice patient and soothing. I don’t want my son to be afraid to talk to me. So, I take each day with a deep breath and prayer. I just hate those calls in the middle of the night. They are never good news. I’ve had my share of them.

More later…

1 comment: said...

Your son is not an idiot. He has made a choice to live this way. It's right to him.
Beleive in God and let him die. If he's not meant to, he wont.
Once it really hurts he'll change.

Maybe he's lying.
What if he wants to be a junkie?