Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Why I created this blogsite

Every so often, I receive phone calls from family members or friends. They don't know what to say to me, when they read about my son's struggles to have a successful recovery from his opiate addiction. If you are one of them-- please know, that an email or a phone call is always welcome and appreciated. I know that what I am experiencing with my son is hard for many people to truly comprehend. I never thought that this would happen to me, either! It is my deepest hope that this blogsite might touch the hearts of parents who are going through something similar to mine-- or, better yet, that someone who is an addict might better understand how their "disease" affects those who love them.

The other reason that I started this blogsite is for ME. Journaling is great therapy, you know. I type much faster than I can handwrite, so that is how I found this blogsite. Ultimately, when my son has long-term sobriety to claim-- and more maturity-- I hope to share this blog with him. Maybe, he can read it and get a feel for me.

It is hard when someone, who doesn't know the truth about my son, asked me "how's your son"? What do you say? I don't want to tell ANYONE that he's addicted to opiates! So, I just give the standard answer, "he's great and lives in the Bay Area"... of course, I dread the follow-up question "what's he doing there"?

"Trying to find himself", is all I can think of as my answer.

For those of you who know my son, this blogsite is my way of updating you on what's going on. It's hard for me to talk about it-- not that I dont' want anyone to NOT ask about my son. I just don't like to relive all the sordid details. I know that my loved ones mean well, but I don't want for them to blame his father for my son's addiction. I don't want to blame anyone. Though B's dad and I have very different parenting and spiritual values-- he loves his son. I have to be really careful that I don't feed into the "blame frenzy". My loved ones want to do that. because they are being protective of me. I have found peace in knowing that God knows the truth.

Today's update is simply that my son called me. Of course, it's always at my busiest time, at work. He was doing laundry and I sense some sadness to him. He doesn't sound happy. That's my motherly instinct.

I will share a small snippet of my 2 hour drive to San Francisco on Sunday:

The "gyst" of B's 2-hour conversation was his admitting why he relapsed. I won't get into that detail, because that's highly person for him to share with me. I can say that it all made sense. But, shortly thereafter, he began to blame ME for his relapse!

My husband, who sat quietly in the backseat with a book, heard most of that conversation. Later, he reassured me that was B's "addiction" speaking. He previously had a long-term relationship with a woman, who was an alcoholc. Like me, he devoted a lot of time and effort in counseling and reading books about co-dependence. He said that she would blame him, and everyone else, for her relapse. That's DENIAL. I always appreciate his insights and support. He has a lot of wisdom, and I know that he cares about B.

I am making progress, I call tell. In the past, my gut reaction would be to defend myself with a vengeance. This time, I let my son list all the things I did wrong and what I should have done. He backed up his blame game by quoting that his treatment center "laughed" when B told them how I was unwilling to let him live with me, when he got out of detox.

Calmly, I countered to him that I did not let him come to live with me on his treatment center's advice-- we knew that returning to his home turf would be a recipe for relapse disaster. I reminded him of all the lies and manipulation he had put me through. He grew silent.

Last, I reminded him that he was not left out in the cold. He got weekly allowances. I reminded him of my trips up there to buy him groceries, dishes and he was never left without money for food. He actually accepted that, and stopped blaming me.

Then again, isn't the average teenager like this? Most teenagers are self-absorbed. It must be a teen hormonal brain wiring gene that makes them so selfish! Rarely do I hear a teenager tell me how blessed they are! Generation "X" doesn't have a clue on how blessed they really are! I was probably the same way with my own parents.

I have a feeling that B sees me as a humorless mom who doesn't understand him. It's not that I don't understand him. I don't agree with him. The reason that my son and I are so different is that I really want to live my life in the "spirit"-- the Holy Spirit. I want to live my life to please and obey God. My son, at this time, is living his live "in the flesh". So, we are battling against our spiritual values.

One day, I hope that my son will see that I am seeking to put my Old Worldly Self behind me. I want to be known as a woman of integrity, with a forgiving heart and who loves God. It's not easy to do, but it gives me peace.

There is more to share, but I need to end my lunch break and get back to work.

Till later,


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