Saturday, November 22, 2008

A mother's pain

Emotionally, I’m having my ups and downs. My son is not doing well at all. I think he’s struggling to stay clean. Opiate addiction—-especially to oxy-contin and heroin is one of the most difficult addictions to try and control. Meth is worse. At least my son hasn't turned to meth or IV heroin. The statistics aren't the issue. My son is an addict, and he always will be.

I hate that. It makes me mad and I feel so helpless.

My husband has been a supportive step-dad. Though he hasn't been in B's life long enough to feel like a "dad", he loves and supports me...his wife and B's mom. We both share similar emotions-- we both feel compassion, sorrow and frustration for B.

B called me yesterday. His bank account is messed up...again. I don't know how to help him learn how to manage his money. I have tried everything I can think of. It's so complicated, but he keeps using his debit card instead of going to his bank ATM and withdrawing cash. He doesn't understand that banks will HAPPILY approve debit purchases-- even if there isn't enough money. That way, they can charge you $35.00 for overdrafting and $5.00 a day until you pay it off. So, B used his debit card to purchase $3.00 worth of stuff-- that cost him $38.00 plus $5.00 a day. He lost $100.00 in one day! I keep telling him to only use the ATM...but, still, he doesn't heed my advice.

I confess-- I lost it. I got so mad at him, that I flew off the handle. This was not the right way, but I hit the ceiling. What do I do? My dilemma is having my son living 2 hours away-- he has no job and he is struggling with his body's craving to "use". He needs food. He's a diabetic. I help him with just enough money for that and nothing more. But he blows that by not understanding that banks are a business. They don't care if you're young and you make a stupid mistake!

I know the drill-- he has to take ownership of his addiction. He has to work the program. I can't enable him.

But, he's still my son. I love him. I always will. He's so young. It breaks my heart to hear his voice sounding so distraught. I can't take it.

I'd hate to be inside his head, right now. It must feel lonely and chaotic. I miss him. I want him home with me.

It's just that his addiction is evil. His addiction lies to him and makes him lie to me.

I want my son back. I want to help him. I can't. I feel helpless to help him.

Hopefully, I will have him in my home for Thanksgiving. Then, we can talk.

I am not losing hope. I am feeling pain and sorrow.

But that will pass...prayer and God. His yoke is heavier than mine.

I give it you to you, Lord. My Rock and my strength.

1 comment:

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