Thursday, February 5, 2009

Just for today, what a cliche'

In my last post, I had mentioned that my son had tested clean. Many thank you's to my newfound parents of addicts and friends, who are visiting my blog and posting comments. Thank you!

I've been reading new bloggers sites where they describe the emotional roller coaster on being the parent of a drug addict. Sometimes I feel as though their stories mirror mine.

For those of you parents who are in the first stages of being the parent of an addict (that is, your child is going through Round #1 of rehab), I can see how naive I was then. Just reading my earlier posts, I can see how I thought my son could get "better". I guess it is our naiveté that makes us think that our kid will detox, go to meetings and this whole thing will go away.

Little did I know, that relapse is part of the process...again, and again, and again.

So, while I'm elated that B tested clean I am also very, very cautious about his sobriety. In some ways, it's like trying to lose weight. You have every intention of dropping the points on the weight scale. You start off eating healthier and exercising (I am speaking from personal experience, here). You keep a food journal. You say "no" when someone brings in a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Little by little, that hunger in your brain craves sugar. Just a bite won't hurt. So, you start to nosh when nobody's looking. You skip a weight watcher's meeting.
Before you know it, you pull into Carl's Junior to get that bacon cheeseburger that you crave. In my case, I dont' eat fast food. It's dessert that is my caloric snare. It's like valium to me.


With my son, and opiates, he tells me that he has thoughts of using-- and he is in day #10 of not using opiates. He says that this is harder than I can imagine. I told him about my struggles to resist sweets (I have a strong sweet tooth). He paused, thoughtfully, and then nodded-- "yeah, mom, that's kinda how it is with me".

B and I have been doing a lot of talking. My car won't be repaired (mechanical problems) until Saturday. B has been getting up early to drive me to work. It's been a good chance for us to chat. Yesterday, for instance, he said he was feeling a lot of withdrawals. He curled up on his bed to sleep for a few hours, having tossed and turned all night long. His appetite is good, though. When B was using, his appetite was one of the first things I'd notice would wane.

Trust is something that is going to take a long time for B to rebuild in me, and his stepdad. I feel like a woman who has been cheated on by an unfaithful husband...over and over again. In October, I heard the whole script-- I screwed up. I'm sorry. I'll go into rehab. I'm clean.

I didn't read between the lines of his calls to me, from San Francisco, where he sounded so depressed. There's another clue that all is not well in B's world-- and that he's most likely using.

B was chipping in December, when we allowed him to come back home. That was an Oscar performance! He was good. He was going to meetings, but he was hanging out with his friends that he used with. All of them were fresh out of rehab.

Duh. I thought to myself, that didn't seem right. But, I believed "B" when he'd reassure me that his friends were all "clean". Ha!

So, here I am. Giving my unfaithful husband, aka "B" one more chance to stop deceiving me.

I have to be fair, though. I really don't think that my son plotted to DELIBERATELY deceive me. The addiction was too strong for him. He set himself up to fail-- hanging out with friends from his past. He was not ready to quit. He thought he could use a little, and though he had everything under control. These are his own admissions.

The addiction is bigger than us.

I live each day in the moment. Like so many parents of addicts, I long for a day when I don't have to think or worry about my son. I wish I could rewind back to my trip to Hawaii with my husband-- just last October. We were in paradise. Our cellphones were turned off. We were a couple, enjoying time together...holding hands, sleeping in, sightseeing... until the dream came to me at 3:00am. "My son is using".

Little did I know, until the day I returned home, that my dream was prophecy.

I try not to look back too much. What happened cannot be changed. I try to look back so see what signs I missed. What could I have done differently?

Wisdom is what I cling to. I need to learn all that I can about addiction. My husband doesn't want to spent anymore time on this topic. I understand. But, this is my son-- my one and only precious boy. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world.

I am here for him. It's what a loving mother does.

One day at a time... So, just for today, I am having a good day. I pray, each day, that B will be able to pass my random drug tests with flying colors. B is in good spirits today. He's busily trying to get add on codes from classes at our junior college.


Fractalmom said...

DANGER DANGER DANGER !!! You said "I try not to look back too much. What happened cannot be changed. I try to look back so see what signs I missed. What could I have done differently?"

You did NOT cause this.

You CANNOT cure this.

You CANNOT control this.

you MUST learn these things, or you will be driven totally and completely insane. Trust me on this one.

A Feast for the Eyes said...

Yes, you are right! I guess I should say that I want to look back to take an inventory on the wisdom I've learned from this.

I cannot second guess the past. What's done is done.

Thanks for reminding me.