Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sleep interrupted

I'm so thankful that our beautiful weather continues, though we really do need rain. I live in an area that relies on agriculture to feed a lot of families. The sunshine is helping me to feel joy in appreciating where I live.

How is B today? AFAIK (as far as I know...and I will precede updates a lot with this acronym), he went to his first day at our junior college. He is late in signing up for classes, but we verified that he can still do this. Tomorrow, we (C and I) plan to pay for his classes-- with a LOT of caveats! First, he has to test clean. B says he's ready and willing, and confident that we will not be disappointed.

Let me digress, and I know I'm famous for doing this-- I am sleeping well in spurts. I dream a lot of my fellow parents of drug addicts. Reading their blogs takes a lot out of me, emotionally. I feel such compassion for their troubles. While B has never been arrested, nor stolen anything from us-- I know that, if his addiction goes full blown, that this could happen. I toss and turn, with fear that my son will test positive. I fear having to use Tough Love, Phase II. Truthfully, it scares me to death. I worry about my son being an insulin dependent diabetic and being out on the streets with needles. I have to stop thinking like that, I know.

C and I talked about supporting B's desire to go to college. B did not get his financial aid applications in on time. With the state budget crisis, we also know that it's going to be tough to get money. C and I decided that we will "lend" B the money to go to college as long as he tests clean and that we pay the money to the school. It should cost a few hundred dollars. That hurts us, a bit, but we are trying to help B to get an education. We've told him that he must complete the classes. If he's failing, he can't drop. For this semester, we just want to see him COMPLETE the classes. If he's struggling and needs to drop, then we have to know.

C feels that B should maintain a 2.8 GPA. Truthfully, I don't care about the GPA, as much as I care that he goes to school and does the work. B has dropped out of college three times. This is round four.

I want to say positive things about B.

I see an improvement in him, physically. When he's using, his clothes looks dirty and he doesn't shower for days. His skin looks really bad (I've got 15 years of experience as a licensed esthetician). His appearance looks good enough to apply for jobs. His skin is clear. His eyes look bright and alive again. He is not antsy.... pacing, and constantly wanting to go someplace. ("I'll be right back". How many of you parents of addicts are all too familiar with the nervousness of an addict who is using?) His profanity (which makes me wince) has gone from Rapper quality to PG-13.

B is home a lot. He is helping around the house. We don't have to ask for help, he just does it.
B is not argumentative. We can talk. There have been no confrontations. He is changing his cellphone number and he's deleted most of his phone numbers, including his dealers.

I've said this before, and I've been proven wrong. AFAIK, B is not using. I did not realize that I had used my last drug test, until this morning. I ordered more, today. I should have them in 2 days. That's a reprieve for my son.

My car broke down last night. Great. I've got over 200,000 miles on it, though it still looks good. C and I don't want to buy a new car (even used) because of the economy. We are being very careful. B is mechanically inclined, like his dad. So is my husband. Hopefully, they'll fix the alternator for a fraction of a commerical mechanic.

B drove me to work, this morning. He even got up at 6am and was out the door with me at 6:45am. I no longer feel edgy around him. I feel like we are connecting. He headed off to classes, AFAIK.

He got the insurance snafu fixed, so he's headed to the outpatient clinic. He needs to start a program, and that is another one of our conditions. He agrees and says he wants to do this.

B told me that he needs to know that I stop worrying about his not using. He says that he has to prove it to me and to give it a chance.

I will try. Still, I struggle with worry. I miss having a solid night's sleep.

Still, I will test him...often.

Praying for many families of addicts.


Fractalmom said...

great!! oh. and you will N E V E R stop worrying. ever.

Annette said...

Glad I found you. What a gift. Thank you for sharing so honestly.

Fractalmom said...

I had to take my blog private. If you want to read, please email me at fractalmom1@gmail.com and I will put you on the list.