Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Counting my blessings

I have been off work since Friday; that gives me five days to relax-- three of them are paid days off. I am so blessed, and so thankful!

B left for school about 2 hours ago. I'm adjusting to his living with us, but I have to say that his appetite is back! B is 6'3 and very thin. I can see an increase is how much he wants to eat. This morning, I found the remnants of the ricotta pancakes I had made--and stashed in the back of the fridge for my selfish purpose. He also ate the rest of my bean and bacon soup (quite a stellar batch, if I do say so myself) that I had planned to ration for a couple of lunches.

I am living with a piranha!

My husband went to bed at 9, since he has to work today. I stayed up to surf the net and to watch a little TV that I had recorded. B had eaten dinner with us and left to spend some time with his friend "A". I don't know "A" really well. I do know that he's been clean from using oxy for over a year. I also know that he moved away for a year, he's an excellent golfer and his parents live in town but are divorced. I've had chats with "A" and he seems like he's okay.

B came home an hour earlier than his "curfew". He was feeling chatty, so I paused my show. It's nice to be able to actually talk to B. I try to filter what he says through my B.S. meter. Last night, I felt he was being sincere.

Every so often, B tries to share with me what it's like to be inside the head of an addict. He said that he's been thinking, hard, about where his life has gone. He realizes that most of his high school friends are finishing up college, and ready to go on with their lives. He said that he's wasted so much time as a drug addict. He has nothing to show for the jobs he's had. He's sold everything of value.

He made a comment that I found interesting-- he said that he's glad that I'm testing him often. I replied that I hoped it would be a reason for him not to use-- knowing he'd have to leave.

He paused and said "that isn't why, mom". "Addicts don't worry about those kind of consequences". He went on to say that when an addict wants to use, they can only focus on that one thought-- that two hour time period of being loaded... that feeling that only an addict can understand. He said that's why addicts do such bad things. At the moment that the need becomes to great to use, they figure they'll deal with the consequences later.

He then said "I'm not using because I choose not to."

He also said that he needs to find a "routine"... "structure" in his life. Ha! I'm an expert at that (smile of sarcasm as I write this). My life is all about routine-- from household chores, to work, exercise, cooking... I'm amazed at how busy I keep myself but forget to budget in time for "fun". These thoughts raced through my mind, at wharp speed, as I listened to my son speak from his heart.

I try to take advantage of these moments by offering encouragement and a little Mommy Wisdom...however, I also know that I need to make my point faster than a rapper. I have about a 15 second window to try and think of something brilliant... my success rate is about 50%

For today, I think that B is feeling thankful for where he's at-- living in our home, and eating well. He sees his friend, "A" applying for jobs everywhere that he can. "A" has a good resume, a nice personality and he left his last job on good terms. "A" can't find a job. B realizes that the economy is in horrible shape, and that finding a job is going to be very hard.

B says that living on his own, for eight months, wasn't easy at all.

I need to take the time to create links to highlight a lot of my son's experiences, since I started this blog. My son has been robbed, physically assaulted, thrown out of places he's paid rent to live, cheated out of money, told off by "so-called" friends. He has relapsed again and again. He has lied again and again.

So, last night, I just sat and drank up a sense of gratitude that my son is alive to talk about it.

This morning, I realized that this is my father's birthday. He was born on February 17th, 1922 and he died on February 6, 1986. My son never knew him, because he was born in 1988.

Today, is also the anniversary that my son was carjacked-- February 17th, 2005. I can still remember my son's swollen eye, torn clothes, scratched face and swollen hands. I can still remember how traumatized I felt seeing my son in that condition and all the time spent trying to get information from the police. My son recognized two of the perpetrators as high school students he knew.

I don't think I've shared that story, in detail. We still get monthly checks as restitution from one of the perpetrators, and I use that money for some of B's expenses. The boy was 18 at the time that he (and two other guys) decided to rob my son. B had one of those "BOOM BOOM" fancy stereos (little did I fully know that it was bankrolled by B's drug dealing). I knew it was a target for theft. The 18 year old served 11 months in county jail. I was at every hearing, and I had something to say to him.

The 17 year old got 1 month in jail, and the third one never got caught. Criminals have a twisted sense of loyalty. They won't "snitch".

It's a long story, so I'll get back to where I first started--

Today, I am thankful that my son survived that carjacking, and so many other things.

I have spent an hour uploading photos of food that I have made, for my food blog. I was looking out of my kitchen window, at the rain and all the green grass that's coming up. I was talking out loud, to God, listing off the things I'm so thankful for. I was focused on how blessed I am to try and decided WHAT to cook, WHAT to bake and what photos to share on what my family eats.

That's when I felt so filled with gratitude. I am so blessed. I have everything that I need, and I am so thankful for it. I am happily married. I have a job, and I love it. I love my house. I am a mother. I have loyal and wonderful friends. I have the Lord in my heart.

My son is home.

I pray that my son can make it, this time. I pray that he will work the program, and find the strength to resist the temptation to use drugs. It WILL come.

I pray for families who are just now finding out that their own child is using drugs. I not exactly a veteran-- it's only been 10 months since I found out what oxycontin is-- it's a tough road.

I pray that the Lord will use me to help someone-- to let them know that they are not alone.

I am thankful for God's mercy.

1 comment:

Athena said...

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