B went to another NA meeting last night. His roommate "M" didn't go. "M" didn't like it. "B" sounds animated when he speaks of the meetings. That's encouraging.
My husband is mad at my son. He says he is angry that my son put me into that situation (having to bail my son out of debt to his dealer). I understand his anger, but I'm not angry with my son. I'm angry at the drugs, and I am disappointed in my son. Like Josh and Ryan have said-- I don't think my son wants to hurt me. The drugs are overpowering my son's ability to make stupid decisions. I'm not excusing it. From a sober mom's point of view, it's wrong what he's doing. From an addicts point of view, he needs to see the consequences before he chooses to buy dope. Right now, he's blinded by addiction.
Someone left a comment that mirrors how I feel-- I thank God for the fear he put into my son. I'm thankful that my son had a frightening confrontation from his dealer...and that his good friend witnessed it. It scared both of them. I pray that the fear my son felt will not dissipate and he feels invincible enough to start buying dope again.
Today, I am off from work. I am going to help my son get his car towed to the dealership, to get it fixed. There is a Catch-22 in this-- the car could be a means to buy dope or to sell it. It could also be a means for B to get the hours back that his boss cut until "he got a car, as promised when he was hired".
I'm taking my son to get his eyes examined and for the glasses he needs. His insurance will expire at the end of this year, and these are benefits I don't want to see wasted.
Most importantly, I will be attending a meeting with my son tonight-- at our church. Yes, "our" church-- the church that my son begged me to try out. I was a member of a different church. This is a church that has become my "home". It's an amazing church that my husband and I look forward to coming to every Sunday.
Tonight, we will attend a Celebrate Recovery meeting. I haven't been to one in over a year.
My prayers have been that God will anoint that meeting with a great speaker. There is a young woman I've met at my ladies bible study group. I'm not sure of her age, because her face looks like it's been weathered and see hard time. She could be anywhere from her 30's to her early 50's. As I suspected, she told me that she's three years clean from meth. She told our group that she lost everything to meth-- her home, her son, and that she is estranged from her family. She began to weep. Our bible study group is more than answering questions about scripture. It's a prayer group, where we share our struggles and victories in life.
"K" will be at Celebrate Recovery tonight. She beamed when I told her I was coming with my son. The format of the group is just like Al-Anon, AA or NA. We begin with worship-- my son's least favorite part. I admit, when I'm tired it's a struggle to feel like singing worship songs. But worship is an important part of the meeting. We read the 12-steps, as outlined at the bottom of my blog. (Has anyone every read them, I wonder?) We have a speaker and I've gotten up, once, to share something. Then, we break up into separate groups, by gender.
I pray that my son will be blessed by someone tonight. I pray that the presence of God will be in that room.
Most importantly, I pray that my son will keep his promise to come. If he doesn't, I will go anyway.
Yes, Madison, meetings are important. My only frustration with group meetings is that we can unload by speaking in group-- but we cannot address anyone. This is an exercise in my learning how to listen and not speak. I admit, that I can be impatient when someone drones on and on....but I have to learn to stop focusing only on me. So, I am going and I hope to go every Wednesday night.
I hope that this blog of mine will become a meeting place for so many of us. It's important, to me, that people share their thoughts in the comment section. I don't want anyone to feel attacked for what they write. It's okay to agree to disagree, but there really isn't a one size fits all answer to how we deal with addiction in our family. Some people have been brutally hurt by their addict. Others are so desperately hopeful that their loved one will find sobriety the first time they try to 'quit'. I've learned a lot from all of you. I do pray for those of you who have written to me, every single morning.
We are fighting a battle against a powerful and evil force. I will never lose hope.
In closing, last night's bible study was on the book of Habakkuk (Old Testament). I have never really studied that chapter before. It was so appropriate for my present situation. Habakkuk was a prophet. This is his story of how he complained to God that so much injustice was happening around him. He complained that so much evil was going unpunished. God responded back to Habakkuk and let him know that while he would use the Babylonians to destroy Judah (for their wickedness against God), that ultimately the Babylonians would be destroyed and that God would punish those who deserved it. History shows that this really happened. The speaker pointed out to us that in Habakkuk, we are taught to live in faith, no matter what our circumstance are. God will, ultimately, deal with those who do evil unto others. I know that the drug dealers will, at some point, be punished.
I loved the scripture I found in this chapter on living in faith.
A Hymn of Faith17 Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
18 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
19 The LORD God [c] is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
And He will make me walk on my high hills.