Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veteran's Day at Home and the continuing saga....

Thank you! Yes, thank you to every single person who has left comments.  Fractal Mom-- I get you. You are blunt, but I get you and I hope you don't run away.  Madison, thank you for your candid comments. I know your story, because you were kind enough to share it with me.  "Dad", I am surprised that you support my decision to rescue my son from potential harm.  Yes, another drug dealer down. Amen to that.

B went to another NA meeting last night. His roommate "M" didn't go. "M" didn't like it. "B" sounds animated when he speaks of the meetings.  That's encouraging. 

My husband is mad at my son. He says he is angry that my son put me into that situation (having to bail my son out of debt to his dealer).  I understand his anger, but I'm not angry with my son.  I'm angry at the drugs, and I am disappointed in my son. Like Josh and Ryan have said-- I don't think my son wants to hurt me. The drugs are overpowering my son's ability to make stupid decisions. I'm not excusing it. From a sober mom's point of view, it's wrong what he's doing. From an addicts point of view, he needs to see the consequences before he chooses to buy dope. Right now, he's blinded by addiction.

Someone left a comment that mirrors how I feel-- I thank God for the fear he put into my son.  I'm thankful that my son had a frightening confrontation from his dealer...and that his good friend witnessed it.  It scared both of them.  I pray that the fear my son felt will not dissipate and he feels invincible enough to start buying dope again.

Today, I am off from work.  I am going to help my son get his car towed to the dealership, to get it fixed.  There is a Catch-22 in this-- the car could be a means to buy dope or to sell it.  It could also be a means for B to get the hours back that his boss cut until "he got a car, as promised when he was hired".

I'm taking my son to get his eyes examined and for the glasses he needs. His insurance will expire at the end of this year, and these are benefits I don't want to see wasted. 

Most importantly, I will be attending a meeting with my son tonight-- at our church. Yes, "our" church-- the church that my son begged me to try out. I was a member of  a different church. This is a church that has become my "home".  It's an amazing church that my husband and I look forward to coming to every Sunday.
Tonight, we will attend a Celebrate Recovery meeting. I haven't been to one in over a year.

My prayers have been that God will anoint that meeting with a great speaker. There is a young woman I've met at my ladies bible study group. I'm not sure of her age, because her face looks like it's been weathered and see hard time. She could be anywhere from her 30's to her early 50's.  As I suspected, she told me that she's three years clean from meth. She told our group that she lost everything to meth-- her home, her son, and that she is estranged from her family. She began to weep.  Our bible study group is more than answering questions about scripture. It's a prayer group, where we share our struggles and victories in life.

"K" will be at Celebrate Recovery tonight. She beamed when I told her I was coming with my son.  The format of the group is just like Al-Anon, AA or NA.  We begin with worship-- my son's least favorite part. I admit, when I'm tired it's a struggle to feel like singing worship songs.  But worship is an important part of the meeting. We read the 12-steps, as outlined at the bottom of my blog. (Has anyone every read them, I wonder?)  We have a speaker and I've gotten up, once, to share something.  Then, we break up into separate groups, by gender. 

I pray that my son will be blessed by someone tonight. I pray that the presence of God will be in that room.
Most importantly, I pray that my son will keep his promise to come.  If he doesn't, I will go anyway.

Yes, Madison, meetings are important.  My only frustration with group meetings is that we can unload by speaking in group-- but we cannot address anyone.  This is  an exercise in my learning how to listen and not speak. I admit, that I can be impatient when someone drones on and on....but I have to learn to stop focusing only on me.  So, I am going and I hope to go every Wednesday night.

I hope that this blog of mine will become a meeting place for so many of us.  It's important, to me, that people share their thoughts in the comment section. I don't want anyone to feel attacked for what they write. It's okay to agree to disagree, but there really isn't a one size fits all answer to how we deal with addiction in our family. Some people have been brutally hurt by their addict. Others are so desperately hopeful that their loved one will find sobriety the first time they try to 'quit'.   I've learned a lot from all of you.  I do pray for those of you who have written to me, every single morning. 

We are fighting a battle against a powerful and evil force.  I will never lose hope.

In closing, last night's bible study was on the book of Habakkuk (Old Testament). I have never really studied that chapter before.  It was so appropriate for my present situation.  Habakkuk was a prophet. This is his story of how he complained to God that so much injustice was happening around him. He complained that so much evil was going unpunished. God responded back to Habakkuk and let him know that while he would use the Babylonians to destroy Judah (for their wickedness against God), that ultimately the Babylonians would be destroyed and that God would punish those who deserved it.  History shows that this really happened.  The speaker pointed out to us that in Habakkuk, we are taught to live in faith, no matter what our circumstance are. God will, ultimately, deal with those who do evil unto others.  I know that the drug dealers will, at some point, be punished.

I loved the scripture I found in this chapter on living in faith.

Habakkuk 3:17
A Hymn of Faith
    17 Though the fig tree may not blossom,
      Nor fruit be on the vines;
      Though the labor of the olive may fail,
      And the fields yield no food;
      Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
      And there be no herd in the stalls—
       18 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
      I will joy in the God of my salvation.
       19 The LORD God [c] is my strength;
      He will make my feet like deer’s
      And He will make me walk on my high hills.


Dad and Mom said...

Debby, Debby, Debby,

In all honesty I am surprised and hurt that you thought I would be on the other side of that issue. I strongly believe in life and you do what you must to continue life. OK, one dealer down? Where there is an addict there will be a dealer.

I am disappointed that you are doing so much for B. Helping him get his car towed, getting his glasses, taking him to a meeting.

B is an addict, you getting his car fixed and then justifying it to yoursef and writing that down for us even tells us you know you are enabling. Getting him glasses, same.

I am going to be hard with this one so sit down first.

If B wanted to use would you drive him to a dealer? Probably NOT I bet.

If B really, really wanted to quit do you think he'd find a way to get to a meeting?

After all even if he doesn't have transportation and he wanted to use I bet, from knowing an addicts mind he could FIND a way to get his dope.

The only time my son was clean other than being locked up he lived in Topeka WITHOUT a car and he walked or took a bus to every meeting, because at that time he WANTED it.

I better shut up before you ban me. Please Debby be strong and please think alot about what enabling is.

I really mean this, with love to you and B, Ron (dad)

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Just sending you a hug cause I don't have any words of wisdom. We do the best we can do with what we believe is right; we keep learning as we go. I have it so easy right now. I may be a wreck in Feb. when Kev is out.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Ron, I'm sorry if I really did offend you. I meant that as a compliment-- a sigh of relief, if you will. You see, I value your wisdom. I admire you.

#1 - the eye appointment is free. It's a benefit that will go to waste and so I don't mind driving him there. It's not close to where we live.
#2 - taking my son to the same meeting I am going to, I feel, isn't enabling. I think it's a show of support. Should B choose not to go again, then so be it. He asked to go.
#3 - his car repairs come from his own money I have set aside, specifically for that purpose. He needs a car to get to his job. There is no bus service close to where he works, and it's a dangerous area to be walking.

I do not take offense to you, Ron. You say it like it is. Sometimes, you make me rethink my path. Other times, I respect your views but ultimately I will make the best choice that I can.


Madison said...

There's a point where parents have said enough, written enough, intervened enough, advised enough and rescued enough. And, for all that work, you get back to square one. That's when it's time to let go, detach and trust a Higher Power. I understand why you do what you do and that you see signs that your behavior is impacting B in a good way. If you drive him to work, he gets there. If you help him with his car, he has wheels. If you get him to the eye doctor, he can see. If you take him to a meeting, he may go. If he's in danger, you're in danger. If he needs money, you help out. Your huband is angry with B. You are disappointed with B. B is still doing drugs. Not sure all this is working just because B shows up at an NA meeting. No matter what anyone calls this - codependent or enabling or love, you have chosen to devote your days to being B's primary cargiver. Take care of yourself. I know you know that when you get to the point of being totally depleted, this was B's fight all along - only B's. There are a lot of resources for B outside of you and eventually he will have to rely on those rather than you to make it in life. He will learn this when you get your own life back and begin to recover from what B's addiction has done to you. OK. Now, I'm ready for the group attack. :)

Annette said...

This is all such hard stuff but Ron and Madison are so right. But you get there in your own time and sometimes you have to give and give until are all given out and you still haven't made a difference. Its hard, and it hurts so much, but B is in charge of B's addiction, diabetes, and recovery. Not you. Plain and simple. And I say that with all of the love and compassion I can because I so know this one.

Her Big Sad said...

I remember a comment that Annette (I think) made ages ago, and I'm paraphrasing because I don't have time to search for it, but sometimes what helps me is to remember that "to do for my daughter what she can/should do for herself is to deny her the opportunity to find out SHE can do it, and the satisfaction and sense of achievement from actually doing it." (REALLY loosely paraphrased, sorry!)

I try to remember that. It was a huge thing that settled into my brain when I read that months ago. Getting my heart to cooperate has been a bit problematic. I so understand the battle we are fighting within ourselves.

I'm trying! I'm having to learn a whole new way of parenting... where doing less is doing more...
I still struggle with this. It goes against our instincts to NOT step in and assist.

We will get there! ((Hugs!))

Anonymous said...

I don't have a blog myself but do read all of yours and feel connected to so many of you other parents of addicts. One thing I'm wondering though is how to enter a user name without my e-mail showing as my name, but instead a name I make up. I have a Google account and it requires me to put in my e-mail and then my password,..but then I can never figure out how to just make up a different user name instead of my actual e-mail address. Help please, if you know.