asking if he could attend church with us. I told him to call us, when he's
awake, and I'd be happy to pick him up. He didn't call until late in the
afternoon, saying he had overslept and he was worried about not having a ride to work.
I'm so used to this. It doesn't mean that I like it, but my son is sorely
lacking much follow-through. I struggle with people who are flakey. I'm trying to let it go, knowing that my expectations of him are far and away from how he really rolls. I was headed into town, anyway, so I agreed to give him a ride to work. It also gives me 10 precious minutes in the car with my son.
By appearances, he seems okay. He looked clean and well-kempt. It's when I see wrinkled and dirty clothes, that I strongly suspect he's been on a binge of using. He says he really likes his job at the golf course. He was stressing, big time, about his upcoming October rent.
This is where my test of faith and letting go of my mother's instinct to "help" my son comes in.
I said nothing.
As B left the car, he said "I guess I'll have to sell my clothes..."
Bait. Guilt. I'm familiar with this.
No. I won't help my son with money. I know that this is counter-productive.
We hugged and each said "I love you."
Monday, when I returned home from work, his car was parked in front of our house. That would mean that he finally had it towed from the dealership. He couldn't afford the $1200.00 to replace the computer system, that has made it shut down.
B has not called me to explain how long the car will be at the house. At times, it makes me worry. I would think that getting his car fixed would be a priority for him. He says he found a lead on someone who could fix it for a lot less. It's now Friday. The car is still there, and no phone call.
I have decided to let it go, for now. Still, my son is my last thought before I drift off to sleep. He is also my first though when I wake up-- praying that he's clean and sober. When I come home, from work, and I see his car-- I feel pangs of sorrow and missing him.
In order to keep myself from feeling frantic, this is what I pray:
I pray that my son's struggles are all part of your divine plan for him. I pray that You are patiently coaxing B to admit to himself that his life is completely out of control. I pray that B will long to find peace in his life, and that you are the answer. I pray that you would not allow my heart to become discouraged or to allow fear to make me try and take my own action. I give this to you, Lord.
In Jesus Name,