Friday, September 25, 2009

Resisting the urge to "help" my son

The last time I heard from B was on Sunday. He had called the night before,
asking if he could attend church with us. I told him to call us, when he's
awake, and I'd be happy to pick him up. He didn't call until late in the
afternoon, saying he had overslept and he was worried about not having a ride to work.

I'm so used to this. It doesn't mean that I like it, but my son is sorely
lacking much follow-through. I struggle with people who are flakey. I'm trying to let it go, knowing that my expectations of him are far and away from how he really rolls. I was headed into town, anyway, so I agreed to give him a ride to work. It also gives me 10 precious minutes in the car with my son.

By appearances, he seems okay. He looked clean and well-kempt. It's when I see wrinkled and dirty clothes, that I strongly suspect he's been on a binge of using. He says he really likes his job at the golf course. He was stressing, big time, about his upcoming October rent.

This is where my test of faith and letting go of my mother's instinct to "help" my son comes in.

I said nothing.

As B left the car, he said "I guess I'll have to sell my clothes..."

Bait. Guilt. I'm familiar with this.

No. I won't help my son with money. I know that this is counter-productive.

We hugged and each said "I love you."

Monday, when I returned home from work, his car was parked in front of our house. That would mean that he finally had it towed from the dealership. He couldn't afford the $1200.00 to replace the computer system, that has made it shut down.

B has not called me to explain how long the car will be at the house. At times, it makes me worry. I would think that getting his car fixed would be a priority for him. He says he found a lead on someone who could fix it for a lot less. It's now Friday. The car is still there, and no phone call.

I have decided to let it go, for now. Still, my son is my last thought before I drift off to sleep. He is also my first though when I wake up-- praying that he's clean and sober.  When I come home, from work, and I see his car-- I feel pangs of sorrow and missing him. 

In order to keep myself from feeling frantic, this is what I pray:

Dear Father,

I pray that my son's struggles are all part of your divine plan for him. I pray that You are patiently coaxing B to admit to himself that his life is completely out of control. I pray that B will long to find peace in his life, and that you are the answer. I pray that you would not allow my heart to become discouraged or to allow fear to make me try and take my own action. I give this to you, Lord.

In Jesus Name,


Dad and Mom said...

You have done what needs to be done.

go to this blog and about half way down are 2 articles written by addicts you should read. It may help.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I so love the prayer and plan to use it for my own son, so thank you very much for sharing that with us. I also have a hard time with slackers and have struggled with my expcetations not being who he really is. When my son was in rehab, a young man stood up at the family meeting they had. He said that if his mother had not kicked him out of the house, he would still be using. He had been clean and sober for some time and said that nobody can fix it but the addict. Powerful. I have read the articles Mom & Dad have posted above, had read them before at a meeting. A must read. Bless you.

Madison said...

Debby, keep the faith. God is working in the lives of our children in amazing ways.

LisaC said...

I really appreciate your struggles because my struggle is the different boundaries/assists you give during recovery, versus the boundaries you set when they are actively using. The counselor that runs my Group continues to tell me that it is okay that these boundaries are different, but I am so fearful of enabling that I get lost sometimes figuring it all out. I am really proud of you and your strength. You really are doing the right thing and making the right choices. The prayer is right and I too, will add it to my daily prayers. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Every addict deserves some help. I'm not saying enabling him. I'm saying drug test him for heroin and suboxone. The test are cheap. Take it out of his trust fund. It is two separate test. Around $30.00 each. I guess not so cheap but maybe needed hear. I say if he passes the heroin test and fails the suboxone test (has suboxone in his system) then he is doing the right thing and maybe you can help him a bit. Just to play catch up to his rent.
I'm just saying it's ok to help your son in really rough times if he is doing the right thing and he can prove that with drug test and a count of his suboxones. Make demands of him if he really wants the help. No enabling though and you know the difference and you are doing so well.