Saturday, May 10, 2008

Deep exhale and tears of joy and relief

I have been wide awake since 7am, and sitting with my laptop for the last two hours. By now, I should be dressed and have done my Saturday house cleaning. Instead, I'm still wearing my sweats, with an empty coffee cup and a cat purring next to me on the couch. I have been surfing the web, looking for information on addiction, recipes for a special dinner that my wonderful husband deserves. I've spoken with my oldest brother, and with my best friend. I haven't done much of anything else.

Since I last posted, I spoke with my son for a few moments-- yesterday afternoon. I wanted him know that I had received calls from someone at his treatment center. He was upset with the woman who was calling me, and he explained that she had relapsed. Anyway... before we hung up, I mentioned that I was still planning on driving up to spend Mother's Day with him. He sounded fine with that, but mentioned that he was thinking of driving down to our hometown.

I panicked.

My best friend just called to tell me that B was invited to play 9 holes of golf with a friend of hers, yesterday. This is someone who is a recovered addict, and I've heard all kind of great stories about this guy. He sounds like a big, bad looking "brother" who you don't want to mess with. I'll call him "L". "L" had been told that B was planning to return to his hometown for a visit...and "L" told him that "hell no, you're not driving down there". He said if that was B's plan, then he was driving with him.

Praise God! The floodgate of tears finally opened up to me. Even writing this, I feel a rush of gratitude that there are so many people who care about my son. I feel as though God has sent legions of angels to surround and protect my son.

"L" is a golfer, and so is B. This is the first time that the two of them met, but I am so thankful that this has happened. I also heard that B met someone on the golf course who offered him a paying job to do some painting for him. So, as I understand things, Mother's Day will not happened as planned. Instead, B will work to earn money.

I'm not as disappointed as I should be. I think it's because I'm so grateful to know that B isn't returning home. I have been told that the first 90 days of recovery are some of the most difficult.
It is said that just seeing the people that B used to hang out with-- and use with-- can set off "triggers". The brain can literally be triggered by anything that is connected with B's addiction. He can, at any moment, have a uncontrollable need to use drugs. Addiction can lie to the point of that an addict will think that "just once" won't hurt. "Just once" can start the whole process over again, and the addict will end up back in detox. I have met addicts who have been in rehabs multiple times.

Every morning, I pray for my son and for the faces of the addicts I have met through my recovery meetings. I wish I could just pick up the phone and call my son. Once again, I know that I really need to leave him alone. B needs to learn how to live his life, without my tendency to try and help him. I catch myself resorting back to my mother, where I tend to offer my son my years of wisdom in managing money. He has to learn this, on his own.

I need to shut down the laptop and focus on my day. I need to celebrate one more day that my son is alive and well. I need to give my husband the attention and pampering that he deserves. He has been so supportive to me.

I need to live my life so that I don't catch myself obsessing about my son. I love him, and I care about him. But I cannot let his addiction consume my thoughts and rob my joy.

I'm just so thankful that I have the kind of friends who really care about me, and my son.

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