Friday, May 23, 2008

To really trust God in all things...

I will admit, for the thousandth time (to the second power) that I have a tendency to need control, structure, routine-- in order to feel that all is right in my world. My mother's DNA has reached far into me, because she was one of the most organized people I've ever known. Organization comes and goes with me-- with the recent purchase of my Palm Pilot, I've gotten much better about it.

I say this, because I am trying my hardest to put into practice just how important it is to let go and let God. With addiction, this is really important because the first step is to admit that we are powerless against our addiction. For me, I'm working on breaking free of my co-dependent relationship with my genetic blueprint that is linked to my mom's behavior. I wish it wasn't so, but I am doomed to repeat her lists, checklists, follow-up calls and my dependence on sticking to a schedule...being on time.

With all of this said, I have been dreading my trip up north tomorrow. Yes, I am anxious to see my son-- to lean my head into chest (as far as I can reach...since I'm 5'7 and he's 6'3). I have fantasies of having some great mom and son bonding time. Not to sound pessimistic, but I do think that shall remain my fantasy. I have a strong feeling that B's "plan" on how we will spend our day is setting me up for something he wants.

I spoke with B, this morning. He says that he's having a hard time with depression, anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. I asked him if he is speaking to his sponsor. "Yes", he replied.
"Is it helping?" I responded.
"No, not really".

That makes me sad. On the other hand, I feel suspicious. I have already had B pitch that he wants to move to a new city-- about 20 minute away from where he is, now. He wants to move into a house with two other addicts he's met. This would be a good thing, if these were addicts who have years of recovery under their belt.

Stop!!! You see? I need to stop forecasting what I have no control over.

So, here is a big step for me to take. I need to drive north, by myself...listening to my audio book in my iPod and praying along the way. I really need God's wisdom on this. I think about the book of Job and how Job's "friends" would blame God for misery. They would say "curse God and die". It's a good thing that Job didn't listen to him, because God restored his life and blessed him tenfold. Where am I going with this?

I need God's wisdom. I love my friends. I have piles of books on addiction and co-dependency. I have my husband, whose advice is something that I respect.

But, in this case, I need God's wisdom. I don't want to make up my mind, in advance, what (if any) help I will agree to give my son. I need to put into practice to listen to my son and to pray about my decision. As much as my friends want to help, I want to trust God's perfect plan.

Please keep me in prayer. I need to not stress about what I have no control over.

I want to keep a positive attitude and to trust God.



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