Friday, May 2, 2008

Familiar suspicions and worries

I am so thankful that it's Friday, and in 30 minutes, I will head home. I have my support group meeting at 7:00pm, so I'll have about 1 1/2 hours to spend at home. Tomorrow will be my first weekend, in a month, that I don't need to leave the house by 6:30am to be at B's treatment center at 9:00am.

I called my son, today, just because I wanted to hear his voice. I can't help it. I miss him, I think about him all the time...he's part of my dreams, and when I awaken during the night I can't stop wondering if he's sleeping okay. I know that I can't let this become an obsession, but this is all so new to me.

B returned my call from earlier this morning. He told me that he was at a golf course about an hour away from "home". Right away, my mind races with thoughts of "who is he with?" "how did he get the gas money?" He tells me he's with a girl named "Annie". "Who's Annie?", I think to myself. Does she "use"?

I hate myself for asking, but I can't contain myself. I lose my resolve to not ask these questions and they pour off my tongue....... where did the money come from...who is Annie... how are you doing with your job search?

I regret asking those questions, as soon as they come out. B answers that his dad gave him a little bit of money, he met Annie at a coffee shop and he tells me not to worry. "Are you kidding me? I'm worried sick about you!" the voice in my head says. The responsible mom in me doesn't understand why he thinks golf is more important that finding a job. Why is he spending money on gas and hitting golf balls, when he has to save every penny he makes? End of discussion, I say nothing more. It's pointless, really...

The truth be told, I feel resentful that I work hard for my paycheck. Why can't my 19 1/2 year old son start to realize that he needs to get his priorities in order?

Any moment, B is supposed to be headed with my friend "C" to check out his new home.
Tomorrow, B's father is driving up to see him and to buy him a round of golf.

Please, BM (B's dad)...don't enable him. Don't give him money. You are only postponing B learning how to make responsible decisions.

I'm reading the Nar-Anon books, and about co-dependency. I know, in my heart, that I need to let go and let God. I know that I am powerless over B's Addiction. I know that B needs to make his own choices, and that he needs to suffer his own consequences. I know all of this!

Still, I keep praying throughout the day that my son knows what to do when temptation comes his way... I wonder how strong I can be if there is a second round. I shouldn't think that way, I know.

The last 30 days really took a toll on me. I appear strong to my friends, husband and co-workers (most don't know what I'm going through). I am able to keep it together when I share at my support group-- my voice quavers a little, my eyes fill with some tears. But, I seem to be able to quickly compose myself.

I know that the only reason I can keep myself together, is that I do believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us. I believe God's promise that he will never leave us nor forsake us.
It is my faith, alone, that keeps me from losing it.

Hebrews 11

By Faith We Understand

1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 2 For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.
3 By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

I made it through one more day... let's see what tomorrow brings. For me, it's a morning to sleep in, stretch and to return to my usual routine of taking care of my home.

Till tomorrow,


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