Friday, May 16, 2008

A mom on standby

I'm not going to be driving up to see my son on Saturday. I'm not angry at my son, but I feel a mixture of emotions.

I'm frustrated with him, but that's an understatement. I think I'm just plain frustrated with the helplessness of addiction.

I am beginning to think that my son has ADD. I say that, because I've just scratched the surface on what ADD is all about. My best friends sees it, too.

B is a bright young man. Actually, he's brilliant. He has an amazing memory for things, and he's an avid reader. But, he can't sit still for long. He can't focus on one single thing for long periods of times. It's hard to know how much of his forgetfulness is a result of drugs. He asks me the same questions and I give him the same answers.

I work at a high school, so I see a lot of characteristics from teenagers that I see in my son. In many ways, my son is a typical teenager. However, he has an addiction to opiates that makes things even more frustrating. When he makes irrational decisions, or he fails to take care of responsibilities-- is it his chronological immaturity? drugs? having been enabled?

I am feeling highly stressed from the pressure of my job. It isn't helping that my menopause is taking on the next level-- fatigue, weight gain , hot flashes and not sleeping as soundly as I normally do at night.

I have not heard from my son since Wednesday afternoon-- when he told me how he was excited about his new job. I called him, once, on Thursday and he never anwered the phone-- nor has he called me back. He has not called my best friend either.

Basically, he has gone "silent".

All I have, to give me strength, is knowing that I have a God who promises never to forsake me. B is a "believer" in Christ, but he hasn't quite developed into being a "follower". I pray, all day long with gratitude for God's protection over him.

There is not a single thing that I can say or do, that will help my son. I can only wait to hear from him, and pray that when I do -- he is okay and not in trouble.

I will use this weekend to rest, get some water exercises and to pray.

I'm struggling with this, though. I appreciate all the prayers, encouragement and strength I get from my church and recovery group.


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