Tuesday, June 10, 2008

What does "not meddling" include?

If my son was sitting before me, in his 19 year old body with the maturity of a man in his mid-thirties, then maybe what I need to unload would make sense. But, here it is, in the raw:

Dear Son,

I am utterly disappointed in what I am seeing in you, right now. I'm not talking about the young boy who is funny, charming and intelligent. I'm talking about what I am seeing in your character-- what defines who we most are, and what is in our true heart.

I'm frustrated with why you don't have, and can't keep a job:

I have, repeatedly, heard you say that you need to focus on your sobriety. So, if I'm right, what you are saying is that the stress of having a job would take your focus off your sobriety?

If that is true, then I can only assume that your mom or dad is going to pay for your "keep" so that you can focus on your sobriety? Have you considered how that is possible? I don't know your father's financial situation-- except that he is constantly telling me that he has no money. Then again, he has paid your parking ticketrs (all six of them), fixed your car, paid your car insurance and who knows what else...?

As for me, I work a full-time job. My husband and I pool our income and we pay our rent, renter's insurance, car insurances, medical insurance (including yours), groceries, gas, utilities and we spend a very modest monthly discretionary fund for entertainment, books or just a few things we'd like to have. On top of that, we save money. Yes-- what a concept... we actually spend less money than we make!

Last weekend, I spent $70.00 in gas to drive to your new apartment. You were given furniture, I spent $70.00 buying miscellaneous items for your new home-- things I knew would come in hand for you. At the end of the day, I spent $150.00 in groceries to make sure you had staples so that you could make breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In return, you drove down to Salinas the following day-- and you didn't tell me until late into the night. You spent the same amount in gas money that I did, and you played golf with a friend-- the same "friend" who is a known user of oxycontin. You say that he is now taking subutex, but I don't know how true that is. According to Nar-Anon, and the 12-steps, what are you doing hanging out with someone who uses? He isn't even in a program!!

All told, I figure that you spend at least $150.00 for your day of "fun" playing golf. Again, you say that you haven't played golf in a while, and you needed to do something fun. Let's see now... you have no worked in over two weeks. That's because you lost your minimum wage job, by not showing up for two weeks. Of course, your excuse was that you were stressed over the ordeal with your former house in Benicia-- where your "friend" turned out to be a raging drunk.

Yes, son, life can be stressful-- there isn't a person on this planet who doesn't agree with that. It doesn't help that you have to focus on your sobriety, but life goes on. You have been enabled far too long, and you will continue to take all the freebies your father has to offer you. It's so much easier to play the victim, knowing that your father will bail you out-- and that frustrates me to no end.

I recently heard that you made a negative comment to someone close to both of us-- you said that I still continue to meddle in your life. You have no idea how much that hurts me. I leave you alone, except when I get collection notices for you in my mail. I feel as though the only purpose I serve to you is the person who is the trustee of your money that was left by MY mother. I know how hard my mother worked for her money, and I also know that my mother was never someone to throw away money. She was a hard-working woman, who taught me the value of hard work and frugality. For that reason, I will not allow you to squander this money as your father has squandered any inheritance he's ever come into.

Your father was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth. He never knew what it meant to struggle, because his father who write a check to pay for anything that would get your dad out of a financial bind. I can certainly see why you love your dad so much, and why you side with him. He's the highest bidder, so I'm the jerk who is too cheap to give you everything you ask for.
I've lost track on how many times I've learned how you and your father have back-stabbed me as being some sort of crazy woman who can't get along with her son. What you cannot understand-- and I wonder if you will ever-- is that I am frustrated with the helplessness of sticking to my morals and values that are a total contrast to your father's. God help me that I should say this to you, because your father is a Saint. Me... I'm, well... I can't repeat the various words your dad has said to me and to others about me.

I am afraid for you, son. Today's economy is a bleak one and you are already deep in debt. You owe hundreds of dollars in parking tickets, bank overdrafts, and you owe rent to your new roommate. You have not bothered to find a doctor to take care of your diabetes.

Instead, you manage to find time to hang out at your new friend's homes, buy a laptop from one of them (on credit) and spend money driving all over the place, playing golf and buying video games and eating at fast food places. Why aren't you going to meetings? Why aren't you applying for jobs?

What's going to happen when your roommate realizes that you can't come up with your rent-- I told you I'd only help you out for 90 days-- you are 2/3 there, and you have spent every penny of your weekly allowance on golf and restaurants.

Yes, I'm frustrated and I'm hurt.

So, you may have your wish. I will not meddle in your life. I won't call you, and I'm not going to take your calls. It's not because I don't love you, it's because I do love you. I'm so used to hearing that your father thinks I won't help you-- and I can't stop the way your father doesn't like me. I cannot change that you think it is my duty to support you, so that you can stay sober.

That, son, is your decision. I have helped you more than you know-- in ways that mattered most. You have medical insurance, I found your treatment center, and you've received help from a lot of loving people. Those of us feel disappointed how you are taking us for granted.

I cannot become addicted to your addiction. I want to sleep, at night. I think about you all the time, worry about you, pray for you and long to see you finally stop playing the victim.

You can do this. Just get a job, and stop nitpicking that it doesn't pay enough!

I love you,


No comments: