Monday, November 2, 2009

Happy 21st Birthday, Baby Boy!

Yesterday, November 1st was my son's 21st birthday. It is so true when people say that the years slip by fast.  I woke up extra early, because of the time change. I immediately thought of B-- recollecting the day that I went into labor, and the joy of being a stay-at-home mom.  Presently, when I think of B, I feel more a sense of sadness for HIM. Still, I have no regrets on being a mom. I loved it then, and I still love it now.

I wish I had positive things to blog about, though. It seems that my son's life is a magnet for drama. Right now, my son's biggest source of anxiety is with his roommate-- "M".  M is an ugly drunk. I don't like being around drunks at all.

Pause a moment.

I've never admitted this on my blog, before, but I had what I call a "drive by" marriage in between my divorce from B's dad (a 17 year marriage) and my marriage to my best friend an husband-- "C".  B was 11 years old, at the time. I met "S" and he courted me very aggressively. I married him less than a year after we met.  Cutting to the chase, the reason that I married "S" (against the advice of my BFF) were several:
1.  He was nice to my son, and B didn't get very much attention from his dad.
2.  I was a single wife while I was married to B's dad. I was starved for affection and attention, and "S" provided plenty of that.
3.  "S" was a Christian-- or so I thought.
4.  "S" wanted to move in with me, and I would not live with someone I wasn't married to.

What I did not know-- until I said, "I do" was that "S" was an alcholic. He was a "mean" alcoholic, too.  S stole money from me. S couldn't keep a job. In the end, I finally found out the truth of S's alcoholism when he got arrested.  At that time, I discovered the ugly truth about the man I had married:
1.  He had two social security numbers.
2.  He had been fired from his last job and lied to me about it. When I found out, he said he was ashamed to tell me.
3.  He was selling house loans on a suspended realtor's license.
4.  I was wife #5.
5.  He had a warrant out for his arrest for a DUI.

It wasn't until I went to the jail to see about bailing him out that I learned he had $7000.00 CASH in his wallet (I was struggling to support the three of us), and that his driver's licensed was a California ID Card.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I divorced him a few months later and it's a chapter in my life that I don't like to talk about. I have no idea where he is. I only know that he remarried less than a year later. I pity the woman.

As for my marriage to C-- he is a God send. I adore my husband. He is kind, honest, thoughtful and I admire how his faith in Christ is growing. I told him everything when we first started dating-- and he accepted it without judgment. I am blessed to be his wife.

Why am I telling you this? Because it's why I have no patience with drunks. I lived with one, and it was my first eye-opening experience.  I have struggled to find forgiveness for what he put me through. I still struggle with it, because he never said he was sorry and he left me in debt-- which I finally paid off after years of working two jobs.

Saturday night, I picked up B from his job. B was dressed clean and looked good. (He had eaten dinner at my house on Friday and washed all of his clothes.)  We had a nice visit, too. At a stop light, I noticed a taxi. There was B's roommate, waving at us.  I waved back and look straight ahead. I told B that I was not going to pull over and offer M a free ride home. That's not very Christian, but now can you understand my anger trigger about alcoholics?  B's cellphone rang and it was M, saying that I looked like I "hate" him.  I don't. I just don't want anything to do with someone who is in such a dark place. I pray for M. He needs helps.

Back to my son's birthday-- I called my son to wish him a Happy Birthday.  We decided that we'd take him out to dinner tonight (Monday) because he had plans to party with M and friends. 

This is getting too long of a story- and I apologize for that. Bottom line, I gave B a ride to work.  I saw M walking behind him, and I noticed a big scab on M's face. I asked B what happened?

"Oh, you noticed that?", he asked.

How could I miss it, I thought.

B proceeded to tell me that at midnight, November 1, M and B walked to a local restaurant/cocktail lounge so that he could have his first legal drink. He said that M was already drunk and he noticed a car that he thought were "friends" of his. According to B, M stepped on one of the guy's "Jordan's" (shoes) and the scrap (unkind term for Mexican) got mad and beat him up. B said he walked away, but in the distance he saw M getting jumped and then the guys ran away when M pulled a knife.

Nice, huh? This is who my son lives with.

B says he's working on finding a new place to live. I hope so.

I felt sad that my son's birthday was so eventful with such evil things.

The only "nice" memory I have of this weekend with B was when he told me that he has saved all the letters I've written to him-- several which I have posted on this blog. He said they make him cry, but that he realizes how much he loves me.

I can only pray that, one day, my son will want to walk out of the dark world he is in-- and  back into God's perfect light.

I will never lose hope.  I told my son, on his birthday, that despite all we've been through that I have no regrets that he was born. I don't. He is a gift from God, and I was entrusted to raise my son to know the ways of the Lord. I got a late start in that, but I am committed to not keep my love of God ad my faith under wraps. Though I sometimes feel that non-believers click off my blog because I praise God's name, it won't stop me.

So, we shall see if dinner happens tonight.  I'm fighting a cold, and I'd rather be in bed right now. For now, when I think of my son I think of God-- and pray that the prayers being said for him are being answered.

Thank you for your prayers.


Monica H said...

Happy Birthday to your son. I hope you're able to go out tonight and have a nice dinner with B.

I so hope he finds a new roommate. I know it won't change all things but it's a start.

Dad and Mom said...

Instead of maybe a new roomate he should try a new direction in living. I suggest an Oxford House. There are many of them in CA. Here is a link that you may want to investigate.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Thanks for info on Oxford House. We live 350 miles away from the closest one. Here's the reality-- whether I like it or not-- my son wants to stay in his hometown. I cannot change his mind. It's how he wants things to be. Unless/until he becomes jobless and homeless, then he might be open to this option.

Thank you, though. How I long for my son to get away from this, and to live in a place where he can really focus on sobriety. But it's futile, as long as my son continues to think he can work his own program-- which is not working.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I hope this is the year that B's life changes for the better. Thanks for sharing your story of your second marriage. You are blessed to have a loving man in your life you have one for me? :)

Happy Birthday to B and to happy giving birth 21 years ago to you.

Anonymous said...

Hello.. My name is Ryan and I have been reading your blog for about 3 months now. I am 23 and an opiate addict myself. I initially started reading your blog to gain perspective on how it must be for my mother dealing with an addict. I feel horrible for all mothers in this situation but I feel just as horrible for the addict whose parents make getting sober that much more difficult. I am not at all insinuating you are making things difficult for your son as you are doing the best you can. But take what I say with a grain of salt... I am sure by now you have figured out an addict doesnt just get sober over night. It is a battle everyday. A day in the life of an addict feels like a solid week compared to that of a sober person. A week feels like a month and a month feels like a year. You may not understand why your son cant make it more than 5 days. Hopefully that gives you a little insight. I know you feel he needs to be on his own as most parents do at our age. That is perfectly fine, but as long as he is in the situation he is in there is no hope of him getting sober unless he has the will of GOD. You shouldn't feel guilty for helping him get into a situation that allows him the best possiblity for sobriety. Whether that be at your home or a sober roomate. They tell us in rehab that our odds are 1/20 of getting sober. Help create the best possible odds for him assuming he really does want to get sober. Everyone is different but for me I had to move back home. I love my mother very much just as he does you. Being around her daily and having that responsibilty to her helps me tremendously. Yes it sucks if I want to get high but her presence humbles me. She always knows when I am high. You should too. All you have to do is look for the pinpoint pupils in your sons eyes. I am by no means in recovery yet as I just recently relapsed from a 34 day sobriety streak. But I know what doesn't help me and a roomate situation like that would eventually take me off the deep end. Get him out of there ASAP. Maybe I am wrong but thats just my 2 cents. On a positive note, I enjoy reading your blogs and they have definately been of help to me as it helps me feel the pain I cause to my own mother. I hope all works out for your son as this is a miserable existence. But remember we will be better people because of it in the end

Madison said...

Until B wants to change, pray. When B wants to change, he has options. It doesn't sound like B wants to change right now. As for blowing kisses to drunk friends, I wouldn't do that either.

Angelo said...

Happy birthday to B and many more. The person who mentioned Oxford was a great idea. Not sure if there in your state though. Alot of states have "halfway houses" or halfway back" houses or "sober living" houses. Everyone there is in recovery and there are urines rules meeting etc. Maybe you can do a search and see about that for B. I think the main goal right now is getting out of M's house. After what happened with the fight things are just going to get more reckless. I'll research and see if you ever mentioned what state your in. If you can e-mail I will search and see what I can find. If you rather not give your State I understand. I like seeing you happy in your blog.