Monday, April 14, 2008

How am I feeling today?

Part of B's recovery process are classes each Saturday. At that time, friends and family can attend. It give me a chance to see my son, but it has also become a part of the learning process that I must go through. We are each asked to introduce ourselves by our first name, and to give a word that describes how we are feeling? After our intro, we are given a round of applause.

So, today, I am Debby-- and my son is an addict. I am feeling fearful and hopeful (yes, those are two words).

I don't have any updates since I last saw B on Saturday. When I left, he was feeling ill. We both agreed that I need to not call the recovery center at all. I was assured, by his counselor, that if something "bad" happens to B that I would be contacted.

Now, how do I take that? Is that a relief, that when my phone rings I don't see the caller ID for where he is? Or, should my heart leap that my son is calling me?

So, there is the fear factor that I know I shouldn't have.
Scripture reminds me, "fear not". I was once reminded that to be afraid is telling God that you don't trust him. Honestly, I flip back and forth with God's promise. I can see why people question how a loving God can allow bad things to happen.

I once asked myself this question, but now understand-- He does not allow this to happen. We bring this on ourselves because He gave us free will. I learned this, by taking the time to really read scripture. We tend to dismiss the evil that is in this world. Drug addiction a part of evil that all parents and loved ones need to recognize as very, very real.

So, today, I need to remind myself that I have no control over B's outcome. I need to remind myself that it is the addict's who needs to take responsibility for his/her addiction.

So, that is why I feel hopeful. I am not giving up on my son at all. I am angry at the addiction.
I am hopeful that B really wants to change his life-- and to cut off the ties to anybody and everybody who "uses". He needs to surround himself with people who will encourage and support him. He does not need to have his addiction enabled.

So, for this part of the day-- I don't have a new update on B.

I have given this to God, because he is an Omnipotent, loving and merciful God. Right now, B has many people who are praying for him. I completely believe that God hears prayers that are spoken from the heart and in faith.


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