You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.
Note to self: I cannot let my son's addiction, the choices he makes become an obsession in my thoughts and my life. It's okay for me to go on living my life, being a loving wife and to take care of myself.
I am struggling with my thoughts constantly rewinding the last few years of B's spiral into his addiction to oxycontin. I can't help but ask myself "why didn't I research just how addictive and dangerous this drug is?" Why didn't I find support groups, sooner? At least, now, I'm doing that and it's helping me a lot.
Even yesterday, I've heard "people" say that addicts made their choice. I can't help but respond (in my head), "who would choose to be addicted to alcohol and/or drugs?" I don't think that B chose oxycontin-- I think that he has a lot of pain inside (is it his parent's divorce? his diabetes? peer pressure, a need to feel popular, girl issues...) Whatever troubled my son enough, he found that oxycontin helped him to dull the pain. Therein lies the problem-- the addiction is lying to him that "oxy" will make him feel better.
I could see the stress in my husband's face, this morning. He looks tired and worried. Though B isn't his biological son, he cares about his chances of a successful recovery. I tend to internalize things, so I feel guilty about how B's addiction is affecting my husband. All I can do is hug him, and remind him that God is in control of all of this. We need to let go, and let God, I remind him.
So far, God has opened up so many doors-- his treatment center, the insurance (grudgingly) authorizing more time (thought the clock is ticking), my friends opening up their home... I don't want to dishonor what God is doing by stressing out. I trust my Heavenly Father.
What's hardest for B's loved ones to understand are the lies that come of out B's mouth. Too many things that B has said, turned out to not be true. The story changes. Or, the stories doesn't make sense. He says he doesn't remember things...
Last night, I heard another mom/friend say to me that she is "grieving". I know how she feels. I'm grieving, too. I can't pinpoint the strongest point of my grief. I think it's that I am grieving for my son's innocence that has been robbed by addiction. I am grieving for my precious boy, who brought so much joy into my life. B was such an easy baby. I am thankful that I got to spend the first four years of his life as a stay-at-home mom. He became the center of my Universe, my joy, my blessing. I keep remembering those precious moments, and then my heart aches to have them back.
There is nothing I want more for my son than for him to be set free of the dark voices that are lying to him. My heart is filled with grief at how easily B's addiction has trained him to lie. I pray that the Holy Spirit will fill my son's heart with grief, so that he will be made aware how his lies are hurting everyone around him-- and how it grieves God's heart.
1 Peter 5:8 (New International Version)
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Tomorrow (Wednesday), his father will deliver B's car to the home where he is staying. It has become necessary for this to happen. B needs to get to his treatment center and to NA meetings. I don't want to burden the family, who has graciously been driving out of their way.
I have to trust that B will not abuse this privilege.
We are hearing that Blue Shield may not authorize for B to stay in outpatient at this recovery center, beyond next Monday. I am praying that this will change, because B needs to stay in the program as long as possible.
Father, I pray that you will quiet the voices of darkness in his head. I pray that the power of the Holy Spirit will intercede for him. Amen.
In Jesus' Name.