Monday, April 28, 2008

Waiting and trusting

B is to be discharged as a "client" from the treatment center this Wednesday, April 30. That means that he is moving into the next phase of his recovery.

Simply put, it is now B's decision on what his next move will be. I have presented him with an option that I hope he will choose. B has a trust account (a modest one) that he will inherit at the age of 25. Given that his addiction caused him to spend every penny he ever earned to support his habit, it's a good thing that he didn't get his hands on my mother's money. I have offered to take a small sum of that trust account to pay the first month's rent at a Sober Living Environment (SLE). For those of you who are not familiar with this (as I wasn't) it is a home for people who are making a transition from a treatment center and needing to ease into living on the "outside". The purpose of an SLE is that B will be required to get a job within 2 weeks, or do community service work. He will be required to attend meetings, and there will be someone who is clean and sober who is in charge of the group. The idea is that B can live with people who are detoxed, and hopefully he will find support for the inevitable times that he will relapse.

Yesterday, B rejected my offer saying that he didn't want to touch "his trust account". I didn't say anything because my guess is that he's presuming that someone else (his dad or me) will pay it. That is not an option. Neither his father nor I can afford to support him. Even if we could, it's enabling B.

The only other options I see for B is that his father will allow him to move back home with him. I doubt that option is open, though. I hope that Bill's father will continue to see that he cannot enable B's addiction. He has enabled our son too long-- and I am not saying this to be mean or judgmental. B's father (and B, himself) admits that he's enabled our son. I will write more on this, at a later time. I want to be sure and share this as a way to help other parents who tend to be "enablers". What I don't want to do is to say anything about B's father in a mean-spirited way. No matter what, B's father loves him and B loves his dad. So, I will write about this sometime when I feel relaxed, and I have more privacy.

The option of B moving home with me isn't available. B knows this, and he agrees.

B wants to rent an apartment of his own, but he is slowly realizing it's not that easy. He didn't realize the credit checks involved, and about first and last month's rent. Reality is slowly hitting him, that he doesn't have the money to do this. Plus, this would risk his success in recovery.

B could sleep on someone's couch, but I doubt he'd want that either.

So, I feel hopeful that B will choose the option of an SLE-- and do think he wants this. Of course, I can almost smell his fear. The idea that B will be living in a place 2 hours away from his hometown is going to really hit him in 48 hours. For the last month, he's been living at a treatment center and meeting so many people who have become his new family. His meals have been provided for him. But, as we mature folks know, people begin to move into their own paths-- just like when we graduated from high school. Suddenly, we realize that our school friends have moved all over the globe and started new lives. I have a hunch that many of B's new family from his treatment center will return to their own lives. B might find many of them will disappear from his radar.

I feel a deep sorrow that B's life has come to this. In any other circumstance, I would allow B to live with me-- if he was going to school full-time or had a full-time job. Drugs have taken their toll of how much I can trust B. He is starting from ground zero with me. In a way B knows this, but he's probably not fully realizing how much work we both have to feel trust between us again.

I've had to fight the urge to call him since this morning. I just want to hear his voice, and reassure him how thankful I am that he's detoxed. I won't do it, though. I need to let B break free and I it's time for him to experience life on his own. He can do this, because he's smart. Truthfully, I half expect that whenever B calls me he wants something. I've lived with that for over a year...the "hi, mom". Some small chit-chat...and then the other shoes drops..."so, mom..." He needs money...I just know it. I have to say "no". That's what I am conditioned to think. I hope that this pattern will finally stop between us.

Unfortunately, I don't see B as being as financially savvy as he thinks he is. B knows that I'm a number cruncher and that I've become disciplined at living within my means. I don't buy "things" the way I used to. I've given up designer label clothing, luxury vacations, new cars, and fancy decor for my home. I live a very simple life, cook at home mostly-- and I am very happy where my life is. B thinks I'm poor. I think I'm rich in what matters--I am happy in my marriage and I love my job. I have friends who are financially doing very well, and I am genuinely happy for them. I don't envy them at all. I once had "things", but I wasn't happy. Been there, done that.

I hope that my son will discover this, too. The Lord led me to this scripture, when I was taking a class on how to manage money:

Philippians 4:12 (New International Version)

12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

B is going to, soon, realize that the lifestyle he has been enjoying (at his parent's expense) has come to an end. I hope that he doesn't become discouraged, but that he is motivated to do well in a new job. I pray that he will find joy in life, and that he will realize that material things are not what makes us happy.

I could not feel the kind of joy that I experience, every day, without knowing the love of my Higher Power-- Jesus Christ.


1 comment:

Katherine said...

Your words are so true...I know there is a reason why you have come into my life. I'm not sure if I have the same situation as you have with B, but I'm on the "cusp" with my daughter....I'm so sorry for you to have this in your life....Maybe I'm afraid of the unknown with my daughter and your story will inspire me to help put us on the right path...