Sunday, October 25, 2009

B's phone call to me and his update

No sooner had I logged off from my laptop yesterday (Saturday)  and I got busy doing my chores-- the phone rang at 10:45am. It was B. 

"Hey, mom".  "Can you give me a ride to work?" 

Of course, I said yes. These are rare golden moments to catch up on my son.  I'll try to update what he said and  I will type my thoughts in italics, as they were conversations in my head but I never said to B.

I picked up B at 11:40am. He smiled, and as we drove off I asked him how he's been.

B: "Not good", he replied.

Me: Shi*, I thought in my head.

B: Well, remember how I said I had 15 days of sobriety... (he pauses).

Me: Dear God, I think to myself.

B: Well, "M" stole all of subs (suboxone) and so it made me relapse.

I said nothing. I just felt my stomach doing twists.

B:  I relapsed, mom.  I'm broke.

Me: "Are you sober now?"

B: Yes.

Pause a moment-- I'm not believing that. How can he be clean without subs? He'd be in terrible withdrawals. But, I don't say these things... I just listen.

B went on to tell me that his friend "Z" asked B to connect him with dope (heroin).  "Z" freebases it, just like my son does. B said that Z offered him a free gram for hooking him up.

"How can I say no to that, mom? I'm an addict?!"

I said nothing.  I felt like throwing up and my head was spinning.

B goes on to say he's sick of being M's roommate and he wants out. He says as soon as he gets money-- they he says, quickly-- "yeah, I keep saying that but I meant it, this time"...he says he wants to move out and away from M. He blames his friends for getting him strung out again.

No, B, you got yourself strung out, I think.

At this point, I ask how much his paycheck was. He tells me, and he explains that he owed Z $350.00 for drugs he fronted for him and another $150.00 for his "connection".  I do my head math, and realize that left him with less than $100.00 to last for two weeks. Essentially, all of his hard earned money went for drugs.

B goes on to tell me, in great detail, about his relapse. Deja vu', I think.

Finally, I said to my son "I'm disappointed and I'm sad, but I'm not surprised.   I don't lecture, this time. I realized that I've made a step in acceptance that I cannot change my son's decision to be clean or sober. He has to do it.

What I did say to B was that I cannot focus on his friends who are using. I tell my son that I can only focus on his (my son's story)-- and that I'm praying for him, because that's all I can do.

B is quiet.  I think he was expecting a lecture, but it never came.

He asks if I would buy him a bottle of water, because he's thirsty. Being a diabetic-- and one who doesn't take care of his health-- thirst is common when his blood sugar is high...stress really causes B's blood sugars to soar. I park, get out of the car with him and I buy him water,  some snacks and I give him $5.00 to buy lunch at the golf course snack shop. B grins, and says "thank you" with enthusiasm.  For the record, I don't consider that enabling.  B can't buy drugs for $5.00. He has to eat-- and he's a diabetic. Sometimes, the diabetes overrules his drug addiction, in my book.

I drop him off work and tell him I love him.  I tell him I'm praying that he will disconnect himself from friends who use.  I emphasis, that I'm praying for him. He nods his heads in agreement, says he loves me, gets out of the car and waves at me as I drive away.

As I'm walking through the grocery store, I realize how blessed my life is. I can buy anything I want to
eat-- filet mignon, organic fruits and vegetables-- anything I want at all. We aren't rich, but we have no debt.  We have savings, and both of us work and have benefits.  My son is struggling to make ends meet-- learning how to pay rent, he has no car, and he's a drug addict who is insulin dependent. He has little food in his apartment, and he is broke.

I realize that my head is spinning in shock, and I begin praying that God would ease the stress and fear that is beginning to well inside my eyes and I feel like crying.  Fortunately, I compose myself and I begin to shop for the groceries we need for the week. There's no filet mignon, of course!  I shop frugally and wisely. My husband and I live a very simple life, and we like it just that way.

I dreamed of my son, last night. At moments when I would wake to full consciousness, I prayed for him.  My son is struggling against odds that are not in his favor.  I'm so disappointed in his relapse. I come to terms that my son has never really been sober since May 2009.

I think of fellow bloggers who have children in jail.  I pray for them. I cannot imagine the pain of knowing your loved one is in jail. I thank God that my son isn't in jail. I drift back to sleep...

This morning, I went to the grocery store and bought my son some grocery staples. I will take the $50.00 out of his trust account-- which is slowly whittling down to nothing.  I still don't think this is enabling. While my son blew his money on drugs, I won't let him starve. Again, he's a diabetic and he needs to eat.  We swing to his apartment (right behind the grocery store) and B comes downstairs to retrieve what I bought-- milk, bread, cheese, juice (for low blood sugars), lunch meat, some canned chili. He's is so thankful. 

B never asked me for money or food. I wanted to do this. Is this codependence?  No, I don't think so. It's a mother loving her child. 

In my heart, my son is still using.  As I sit in church, I bow my head and pray that my son will return to his Higher Power.  Without my son leaning on Jesus Christ, his odds of never recovering are not in his favor. Without Jesus Christ in my life, I would not have the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Without my faith in God, I would worry myself sick over my son.

I believe that I have made a giant leap of faith as the mother of a drug addict. I finally understand that there is nothing I can say or do to help my son find sobriety.  My son will have to finally admit that he is powerless to change his ways-- until he wants sobriety more than anything else in his life.

For now, the best thing I can do is what I have finally learned.   I need to be a safe place where my son can tell me what's happening in his life.  I believe that B finally trusts me-- and if I can learn to listen to him and continue to praise God's name and pray for my son-- one day, my son will surrender his will to God's. I truly believe this. B picked up his bible from me about two weeks ago.  He talks of God, often.

One day, my son will ask God to shine his perfect light and exposes the darkness that possesses him right now.

I'm very sad to know that my son is still using.  I rejoice that God has been so merciful to my son.

At least my son is alive.  I continue to pray that God would sever the relationship between B and M. I continue to pray for M, who is an alcoholic and a drug addict.  I feel pity for M's spiral into what, I believe, will ultimately end up with his being in jail.

I pray my son will never end up in jail-- and that he will change his ways, before it's too late.

I've been without the internet for 24 hours. In a way, it's almost like God holding me to my affirmation that I want to whittle down my time on the internet and to spend more time doing things for me-- and for my marriage.  So, back to real life-- I'm logging off now.

Thanks for listening and reading.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuhr
In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6


Lou said...

You are right, drug addiction always end in jail..or worse. I hope you never get to the point where you are actually relieved your son is in jail..just to know he is safe.

It is a difficult road, but I believe in the power of prayer. God has removed my son from danger several times by putting him in jail. I trust His plan.

Madison said...

I agree with Lou. While I was reading your post, I was thinking that jail would be a far safer place.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I used to think that my son going to jail would be the worst thing possible. I found out later when he did finally get arrested it saved his life as he was surely going to overdose at that time. I also pray that you will never feel relieved at B being in jail for his own safety, but if you do, those of us that have been there are here for you. God Bless you and B today, and every day.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Debby, I will just say a big loud ditto to all three moms above me. The first time Keven went to jail I was the one who called the police on him! Never in a million years did I think I'd have the nerve to do that. But I don't regret it. This is his third time in 6 months and although I miss him, worry about him, I am thankful for every minute he's safely out of heroin's reach and gaining time clean. I hope you never know the feeling either.

I don't think you are enabling B at all! I think you are strong and loving and doing ALL the right things.

Steve E. said...

Gosh, I never would have considered buying an alkie/addict food or water was enabling. Evidently you do not either, but there was some questioning tone!

A GooooD post, you write well. I'm sad that so MANY of us suffer along with the "stuff of our children"
but such is life.

I pray tonight for PEACE for you and all moms who are concerned about their children's behaviors, especially when it involves abuse of alcohol and/or drugs.

DreamDancer said...

God bless you... I understand your concerns for your son. It is a difficult journey.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you and your husband. Each time you post a blog, I have experienced the same type of issue with my addicted son. If I have left overs, I will call him to pick them up or drop them off to him. I occasionally buy my son a case of water.

I do not think you are enabling your son, you are loving your son. I am not a religious person, but I do believe I need to release my worry to a higher power.

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.

Cheri said...


Wayne and I continue to keep you and C and B (and B's dad) in our prayers. The peace of God shines in your post. Keep trusting and resting in Him.

I join you in prayers for your son to be able to sever his relationship with M.

And I pray for God's perfect will in his life.

Stay strong,

clean and crazy said...

the horrors of addiction are very real, and i do not believe that jail is the bottom, there is also death. sometimes it takes us being in jail, a sort of forced recovery, to stop, sometimes it doesn't take that much.
i am very fortunate to have only found the need to quit using once in my life, i do not know the strength it would take if i ever relapsed to find my way back. it is stories like these that give me gratitude and hope. you guys are in my prayers. take care of you.

Angelo said...

The last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings but, I need to give you my opinion. B just isn't ready to stop. He is no where near his "rock bottom". He sold his suboxone nobody stole it. I wish you would have called him on everything you wanted to say but didn't. He needs to get the heck out of that house. But still, he is just not ready to stop. There will be a jail cell in his future if he doesn't. As long as he is living there he will never be able to even try to stop. I don't consider what you did for him enabling. Like you said he is a diabetic. I hope you lay into him next time and really tell him how you feel. He needs to see how hurt you are. To be honest though it won't make a difference. The obsession to use is greater then any unconditional love. It pains me to see how hurt you are and how powerless it probable makes you feel. Until he is ready the beat goes on.


Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Angelo, you are right. My son could, very well, have sold his suboxone to buy drugs. It's quite possible. Either way, he's relapsed. I can only focus on praying that my son will finally want sobriety more than anything else in the world. I have surrendered all of this to God. There is nothing that I can do or say that will get my son to that point.

Brother Frankie said...

sorry, angelo is right... he sold the subs...

addicts also get on the confession kick cause it works in the i used it with two wives, i should know.

there is hope, i am living proof. i will surely pray.

Rev. Frankie Gallo
A Biker for Christ