"Hey, mom". "Can you give me a ride to work?"
Of course, I said yes. These are rare golden moments to catch up on my son. I'll try to update what he said and I will type my thoughts in italics, as they were conversations in my head but I never said to B.
I picked up B at 11:40am. He smiled, and as we drove off I asked him how he's been.
B: "Not good", he replied.
Me: Shi*, I thought in my head.
B: Well, remember how I said I had 15 days of sobriety... (he pauses).
Me: Dear God, I think to myself.
B: Well, "M" stole all of subs (suboxone) and so it made me relapse.
I said nothing. I just felt my stomach doing twists.
B: I relapsed, mom. I'm broke.
Me: "Are you sober now?"
Pause a moment-- I'm not believing that. How can he be clean without subs? He'd be in terrible withdrawals. But, I don't say these things... I just listen.
B went on to tell me that his friend "Z" asked B to connect him with dope (heroin). "Z" freebases it, just like my son does. B said that Z offered him a free gram for hooking him up.
"How can I say no to that, mom? I'm an addict?!"
I said nothing. I felt like throwing up and my head was spinning.
B goes on to say he's sick of being M's roommate and he wants out. He says as soon as he gets money-- they he says, quickly-- "yeah, I keep saying that but I meant it, this time"...he says he wants to move out and away from M. He blames his friends for getting him strung out again.
No, B, you got yourself strung out, I think.
At this point, I ask how much his paycheck was. He tells me, and he explains that he owed Z $350.00 for drugs he fronted for him and another $150.00 for his "connection". I do my head math, and realize that left him with less than $100.00 to last for two weeks. Essentially, all of his hard earned money went for drugs.
B goes on to tell me, in great detail, about his relapse. Deja vu', I think.
Finally, I said to my son "I'm disappointed and I'm sad, but I'm not surprised. I don't lecture, this time. I realized that I've made a step in acceptance that I cannot change my son's decision to be clean or sober. He has to do it.
What I did say to B was that I cannot focus on his friends who are using. I tell my son that I can only focus on his (my son's story)-- and that I'm praying for him, because that's all I can do.
B is quiet. I think he was expecting a lecture, but it never came.
He asks if I would buy him a bottle of water, because he's thirsty. Being a diabetic-- and one who doesn't take care of his health-- thirst is common when his blood sugar is high...stress really causes B's blood sugars to soar. I park, get out of the car with him and I buy him water, some snacks and I give him $5.00 to buy lunch at the golf course snack shop. B grins, and says "thank you" with enthusiasm. For the record, I don't consider that enabling. B can't buy drugs for $5.00. He has to eat-- and he's a diabetic. Sometimes, the diabetes overrules his drug addiction, in my book.
I drop him off work and tell him I love him. I tell him I'm praying that he will disconnect himself from friends who use. I emphasis, that I'm praying for him. He nods his heads in agreement, says he loves me, gets out of the car and waves at me as I drive away.
As I'm walking through the grocery store, I realize how blessed my life is. I can buy anything I want to
eat-- filet mignon, organic fruits and vegetables-- anything I want at all. We aren't rich, but we have no debt. We have savings, and both of us work and have benefits. My son is struggling to make ends meet-- learning how to pay rent, he has no car, and he's a drug addict who is insulin dependent. He has little food in his apartment, and he is broke.
I realize that my head is spinning in shock, and I begin praying that God would ease the stress and fear that is beginning to well inside my eyes and I feel like crying. Fortunately, I compose myself and I begin to shop for the groceries we need for the week. There's no filet mignon, of course! I shop frugally and wisely. My husband and I live a very simple life, and we like it just that way.
I dreamed of my son, last night. At moments when I would wake to full consciousness, I prayed for him. My son is struggling against odds that are not in his favor. I'm so disappointed in his relapse. I come to terms that my son has never really been sober since May 2009.
I think of fellow bloggers who have children in jail. I pray for them. I cannot imagine the pain of knowing your loved one is in jail. I thank God that my son isn't in jail. I drift back to sleep...
This morning, I went to the grocery store and bought my son some grocery staples. I will take the $50.00 out of his trust account-- which is slowly whittling down to nothing. I still don't think this is enabling. While my son blew his money on drugs, I won't let him starve. Again, he's a diabetic and he needs to eat. We swing to his apartment (right behind the grocery store) and B comes downstairs to retrieve what I bought-- milk, bread, cheese, juice (for low blood sugars), lunch meat, some canned chili. He's is so thankful.
B never asked me for money or food. I wanted to do this. Is this codependence? No, I don't think so. It's a mother loving her child.
In my heart, my son is still using. As I sit in church, I bow my head and pray that my son will return to his Higher Power. Without my son leaning on Jesus Christ, his odds of never recovering are not in his favor. Without Jesus Christ in my life, I would not have the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Without my faith in God, I would worry myself sick over my son.
I believe that I have made a giant leap of faith as the mother of a drug addict. I finally understand that there is nothing I can say or do to help my son find sobriety. My son will have to finally admit that he is powerless to change his ways-- until he wants sobriety more than anything else in his life.
For now, the best thing I can do is what I have finally learned. I need to be a safe place where my son can tell me what's happening in his life. I believe that B finally trusts me-- and if I can learn to listen to him and continue to praise God's name and pray for my son-- one day, my son will surrender his will to God's. I truly believe this. B picked up his bible from me about two weeks ago. He talks of God, often.
One day, my son will ask God to shine his perfect light and exposes the darkness that possesses him right now.
I'm very sad to know that my son is still using. I rejoice that God has been so merciful to my son.
At least my son is alive. I continue to pray that God would sever the relationship between B and M. I continue to pray for M, who is an alcoholic and a drug addict. I feel pity for M's spiral into what, I believe, will ultimately end up with his being in jail.
I pray my son will never end up in jail-- and that he will change his ways, before it's too late.
I've been without the internet for 24 hours. In a way, it's almost like God holding me to my affirmation that I want to whittle down my time on the internet and to spend more time doing things for me-- and for my marriage. So, back to real life-- I'm logging off now.
Thanks for listening and reading.
| God grant me the serenity |
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
In loving memory of--Reinhold Niebuhr
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6