Saturday, October 3, 2009

That plea for help and my having to say no...that hurts me so much

I had a different posting that I meant to publish a few days ago. Then, life got in the way. Now, that one is on hold.

My son called me yesterday. He wanted to know if I would buy his suboxone, anxiety meds and Ambien and he'd pay me back on payday-- on the 5th of the month. Each prescription costs $40.00 I hate being asked to do that, and I was crazy busy at work. I said I'd have to talk to him tomorrow (which is now today...Saturday).

B just called, and he sounded like he just woke up. He said he couldn't sleep because his roommate watched a movie all night and B sleeps in the living room-- he is sharing a one bedroom studio with a "friend" named "M". B asked if I'd give him a ride to work, which I am happy to do.

He called, later, to say he had a ride to work...but would I at least buy the suboxone. I asked about the methadone he said he'd bought from someone. He said something like "it's junk". I'm not sure what that really means, and I really don't want to know.

This was so hard for me-- I reminded B that I agreed to buy his diabetes insulin and supplies. I reminded him that I said I would no longer buy his addiction meds and that I did the math-- no way, after paying rent, could be afford to repay me.

He wailed "I don't know what to do if I don't have any suboxone!". I said nothing. I just told him that it hurts me when he asks for money. I hate saying no, but I must.

He started to cry, dammit. I hate that. For a mom, that hurts to much to imagine their child in pain.

Addiction sucks. Tough Love sucks. I hate this.

I know I did the only thing I SHOULD do-- my son must learn how to face life. His father (and I) didn't do my son any favors by always bailing him out when he was in need.

B is getting his first taste of mom meaning that he must learn to manage his addiction and life on his own.

I'm so sad. But, this is what his treatment center said that we must do. We were told that addicts will use any way of manipulating help from us-- especially guilt. My son has no life coping skills-- absolutely none. It pains me to think that he's withdrawing, but I must remember-- my son does have an option. He can find a facility that will help him with this. He has medical insurance.

I pray that my son will hate the withdrawals enough to realize that every time he uses, his brain will reset the detox clock back to zero. He's caught up in a viscious cycle. I need to brace myself-- either my son will reach the bottom that it takes to admit that he has to fight this need to use. Or...

Well, I already know what the other options are. They're not pretty.

I'm going to a Women's Bible Study luncheon today, at my church. I know that God has heard many prayers for my son-- from people like you and loved ones. I just pray that my son will turn to God, and ask for help. It's there. He just needs to admit that he can't do this on his own.

I did it. But it doesn't mean I like saying "no"-- especially when I can afford it.


Dad and Mom said...

Call your son back, offer to take to a NA meeting. There are people there that did it without suboxone. They can help.

That is what I would do.

Mom, please don't take this wrong or get too offended because I know you are a very religious woman but he needs more than church and god. He needs PEOPLE that can help him, people that have been there, that have had his pain, people that can respond NOW. He needs something physical and real that he can hear, touch and see. That is what is real for an addict.

Madison said...

When we say to our loved ones that we've made a decision to not help them kill themselves, I think of that as 'true' love. I've never understood the 'tough' love stuff. I believe God knows your address and hears your prayers.

Sherry said...

My son had to quickly detox with Suboxone (2 weeks) because he knew he was starting a court ordered drug testing and it worked for him. Like Dad said, others who have been through it can talk to him and reassure him that he doesn't need to be on it for very long and/or give him support.

Madison said...

P.S. As loving, heartbroken family members - we cannot control or cure. A mom on her knees may be more powerful than a mom trying to control. Just a thought. When your son is ready for treatment, like you mentioned in your blog, it is your son who can find a facility. He has options.

MEM said...

I think you did the right thing. It's hard, but you're doing what's best.

I bought suboxone for my addict when he was still using heroin, and he sold the sub to buy dope. Your son find his own way, and the sooner we stop enabling, the more likely it is that the addicts we love will want recovery.

LisaC said...

I had the same experience as MEM. Bryan's first attempt at rehab included doctor provided suboxone which he sold to others that were trying to get clean for his continued supply of heroine.

I had my son read your post and I asked him his opinion. He said you made the right choice as well, and I believe he knows.

Keep praying and stay strong. You did the right thing in my opinion.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Oh Debby, I remember my son crying for Suboxone too. I said no and now second guess it cause...well, you know, he used again. Its harder to say no than yes, but you are doing the right thing and I admire your strength so much.

Isle Dance said...

Something that's helped me, is to put together a list of free/affordable resources (names, addresses, phone numbers, hours of operation, directions, contacts, etc.), and hand that out, when asked for assistance. Listing everything from the health care and support assistance to the food banks. It helps to direct others where they can get the help they need, when they need it. Sometimes they just need to be handed that list more than once.

angelo212 said...

Dad & Mom opinion was really good (the first post)You did so good by saying no. My biggest fear is that there is no way he is going to be able to make it to work and lose his job. He needs that job for the insurance. I'm sure he will hustle up the money for the suboxone. I hope he decides to use the insurance for a treatment facility. He may lose his job but if he is clean he will be able to deal with anything.

Cheri said...


We're praying for you and have you on the Glass House Ministries prayer list. I know this is so hard. I agree with what another reader said, that "tough" love is really "true" love, because you are not willing to help or watch your son kill himself any longer. Don't beat yourself up about the past. You were caught in the cycle. But God has shown you a better way, and you are doing what you have to do. Hang in there,

Cheri and Wayne