Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ten minutes in the car with my son...

I think I'm in a state of "numb".  By that, I feel as though I've grown a very thick skin when it comes to dealing with my son's addiction to opiates. I feel as though B is in limbo. He's withdrawing again. It pains me, deeply, when I see my son leaning against my car window...his arms crossed protectively over his stomach. From the corner of my eye, I can tell that my son is in pain.

I gave B a ride to his job at 6:30 this morning. B muttered an apology to me that he wasn't talkative. Yesterday was his day off (they cut 8 hours from his 56 hour work week). He said he stayed in bed all day long.   What can I say to that?

B muttered "I can't go on doing this".  Somehow, I interpreted that to mean that he's tired of the cycle of sobriety, then relapse, then withdrawal.  I paused a moment.  Then I said, "it's an evil thing".

"What?" he asked.

"Drugs. It's an evil thing. It draws you in."

"Yeah", he responded.

He's due for more suboxone.  I suggested he call and order them.  I handed B a lunch I packed for him, as I made mine.

I will pick B up on Friday, after work. I told him to bring all of his dirty clothes and I'll make him a nice dinner while he is washing it.

"Thanks mom", he said.  He opened the car door into the early morning dark.  For a moment, B looked at me-- as though he wanted to say something.  Then he said "bye and thanks".

I drove off to work, feeling sick to my stomach.  For a moment, I began to horribilize my son's imminent death or incarceration, unless he changes his ways.  Then, I turned in my iPod and listened to Pastor Greg Laurie on Harvest radio.   Pastor Greg has been my morning dose of teaching of the gospel.  He's a wonderful teacher and I have faithfully listened to his daily 20 minute messages.  Today's message is on "courage".  I was reminded of the Apostle Paul, who was suffering in a Roman dungeon.  Still, Paul sang hymns and praised God. Pastor Greg went on to explain that "be of good cheer" in Greek really translates to "Be of good courage".

I'm in that dungeon right now.  I turned off his show and said a prayer for a mother who wrote to me last night. She shared her story with me-- so similar to many of ours. Tonight, I will read her story when I have time to respond to her.

For a moment, tears welled up in my eyes. When that happens, it's when I pray like this:

Father, thank you that you are my source of strength and courage. I pray that a miracle will happen for my son, today. I pray that before my son ends up in jail, or he dies from his drug use, that he will be enlightened by you. B is under spiritual attack, and I pray that you will intervene for my son. I ask that you will empower me with your wisdom and knowledge.  Thank you, Father, that despite my pain in watching my son destroying his life and health-- that I can still feel that my blessings far outweigh my struggles.
I pray for the mother who reached out to me. I pray that you will use me as your voice to her, and others who are struggling with a loved ones with addiction.

Thank you, Father, for your mercy.

In Jesus Name.

My thought for today-- courage is fear with prayers.


LisaC said...

Debby, your prayer touched me so I pasted it to another sheet and printed it. I pray every day, sometimes it feels like 100 times a day, not just for my son and our family but for others as well.

Hang in there and thank you for sharing your love and your wisdom, your strength and your belief in God and the miracles he can work even in the dark times.

clean and crazy said...

is the drug replacement therapy not working? i had a freind on suboxine and she said it helped her, she had a clean date from when she started the suboxine to when she was weened off of it, then she started her clean date over, but having that clean date helped her stay clean. is he going to NA meetings? maybe next time you take him to work, if you can do this it might help. there is an internet radio station that plays NA speakers 24 hours a day. they are positive and motivating, very powerful stories by addicts who have lived through it. maybe if you could download a speaker to your ipod and play it with him in the car that would help. Andy D. spoke at the world convention also at our regional convention last year, and this man is amazing if you can download his tape and have B listen maybe it will give him hope. he knows you don't understand him and he wants to please you but you are right he is in a lot of pain right now and he NEEDS NA. let me know if you can't find Andy D I can email you his tape, let you listen and then you will know what i mean about his message. take care

clean and crazy said...

i forgot to tell you the name of the radio station is check them out you can even request speakers. i heard jimmy k on there, he is known as the founder of Narcotics Anonymous and was a friend of Bill W.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I know this feeling, seeing our son's in such pain and feeling so helpless, just tears my heart apart each and every time. I also have becomed much more "hardened" and I pray daily that God will help me not to become too hard. To me there is a fine line with that and I am still learning to navigate it. Love the prayer and am thinking of you. Clean & Crazy, thank you for the information, I will be checking out that radio station for sure.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

B has been using suboxone for about a year. Unfortunately, he doesn't use it the way that he should. He "chips". My son, at this time, isn't willing to go to meetings. He has excuses why he can't go. I call it denial with the power of his addiction.

I have offered to take him to meetings so many times, that I've given up. My son needs to choose that path.

Thank you for the radio info. I will investigate that.

Her Big Sad said...

Prayers continue Debby....

(I like that saying... Courage is fear with prayers... had not heard that before.)

Wishing you peace this evening.

Anonymous said...

Thanks very much for writing this article. We are in a prescription drug epidemic where too many drug companies put profits above public safety. We need to educate and stop people from falling into this trap.

As the director of Novus Medical Detox Center, we see a stream of people who were put on the drugs by doctors and then became dependent or addicted.

OxyContin is legal heroin. It is used interchangeably with heroin. Suboxone is still an addictive narcotic. I pray that your son will go to a rehab and be off all these drugs.

These drugs are particularly bad if someone is taking them while pregnant. Here is a link to an article that I wrote about a subject that might give a young person pause before taking these drugs.



Midnitefyrfly said...

I think your realization that you cannot make him want recovery will make all the difference for you in the rest of this process. He is so lucky to have you there to be his safe place with boundaries.