Thursday, October 15, 2009

Comment moderation and anupdate on dealing with life

Yikes! I forgot to sync my Gmail to download into Outlook. Plus, I forgot that I needed to log on to this blog to approve comment moderation. Sorry! I had wondered why nobody had responded to my posting, and then I realized the problem.
Thank you, for your encouragement. It means so much to me.
C and I have been enjoying paid time off, at home. California had it's first big storm of the year. The storm, as predicted, hit early on Tuesday morning. I woke up around 4am, thinking of B. Did he find a ride to work at 6:30am? I had bought a water-proof hooded jacked for my son, as an early birthday gift (November 1 is his 21st birthday). B was thrilled when I gave it to him. I said a quiet prayer that my son was okay and able to get to his job, and drifted back to sleep.

Later on, that morning, I called my son. He said that he borrowed money to take a taxi to work, and that he arrived on time. He said his boss called him to say that he wasn't needed, because of the storm. B was mad, and he said he boss dismissed his frustration. I asked him how he got home.

"I walked", he said.

"How long did it take?" I asked.

"About an hour and a half", he responded.

I had mixed feelings about that. I felt relief that B had a good rain jacket to wear, and yet I felt a sense of a good lesson in taking care of "life" in this. B has a few hundred dollars set aside (in my care) to fix his car. Why he has procrastinated taking care of it, I don't know. Later in the day, B showed up and had the tow truck with him to move his car to the mechanic. It was pouring rain-- and there was my son, beaming with a smile, and thanking me for the jacket. Funny how small things can bring such joy.

Wednesday morning, B was distraught. He says that the towing company messed up the driving column when the car was dragged onto the flatbed truck. B had forgotten the key to his car (typical) and he says the tow drive isn't going to be responsible for any damage. I'm not buying any of that, by the way. I mention this, because B was so upset that he said "I can't deal with this..." and he hung up.

"I can't deal with this". I thought about that, after he hung up. Isnt' that the root of B's problem? He can't deal with life.

Some people are blessed with a good life-- one that has very few struggles. They grow up in a two-parent home. They have a beautiful home, family vacations and no financial problems. I know people like that. I know parents whose kids grow up to graduate from college and who have successful jobs-- marry a nice spouse and have kids.

But, that's now my life. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I was so happy. The beatings my mother received would come to an end. My mother struggled to support my brother and I-- my oldest brother left home when I was ten years old. I left home at 18, and never returned. I chose the wrong men in my life. I married, the first time, at the age of 19 to a man 10 years older than me. Two years later, I divorced him and spent the next few years living a life that must have broken God's heart.

My life has had so many heartbreaks, setbacks and disappointments. How or why I have developed a sense of survival is something I've never questioned. It just is. I've been viewed, most of my life, as a "strong" woman. At times, I take that as an insult. I don't want to be perceived as a pushy or willful woman-- which my mother was. Truth be told, I'm strong on the outside but my feelings get hurt very easily.
I still struggle with self-esteem issues.

I see many of these characteristics with my own son. B makes friends easily. He is polite, charming and intelligent. He looks like the kind of young man a mom would want her daughter to bring home for dinner.

What my son is lacking, most, is perseverance and dependability. He is, at this time, the world's biggest flake-- in my own eyes. B shuts down in times of adversity. He procrastinates taking care of business that is important. I've been told that he's a good worker. When he is off work, he'd rather watch TV or movies, video game or just "kick it" with friends-- smoking and watching TV, movies or gaming with them. Much of this is just youth, I know.

On the other hand, it frustrates me because I'm an adult. I'm a mom. I have the maturity and wisdom to see that my son is not facing responsibility. He has allowed the trials and tribulations of his life to paralyze him.

These are all triggers to using. All I can do is to work on my mother's knee-jerk reaction to TELL my son to take care of business! It's hard. It's futile and I have to let him figure it all out.

I assume he's found a way to get to work. We have a tentative plan to meet at 1:00 today for me to drive him to the DMV to replace his lost/stolen driver's license he's been missing for three months. See what I mean? Procrastination.

There's a 50/50 change B will follow up and keep our plans, for today.

I'm off to catch up on other blogs I am following-- while you give me support, I want to reciprocate and read your stories and updates.


Her Big Sad said...

Oh I hear you on this one! I hear the frustration in my daughter's voice and my first instinct is to smooth it out and try to help her because, hey, we don't want her to give up and use again.....

It's taken me years to get to the point that my HEAD says,

"if that's all it takes to make her use, if she still thinks that using is in any way an answer, or if she thinks the results of using (jail, etc) are acceptable....then she may have to go out there and try it one more time....or more..."

Increasingly more often, thank goodness, my HEART listens to my head and I actually DON'T try to smooth the path or make suggestions for her.... (I'm a slow learner, but I'm getting there!)

Blessings to you, Debby!

Prayer Girl said...

I was created to fulfill God's purposes. The fact that the journey has included depression a large part of my life, alcoholism in my family and first marriage, divorce, my own alcoholism, alcoholism in my child is not for me to question. I don't.

What I do know is that all things are turned to the good for those who love God and are called according to God's purposes.

When I accept what I just wrote, I am happy. :)

God bless you,

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

I have rejected three comments, today. Good God! Can't these folks see that I am not going to approve comments that promote website to buy drugs?
I'm not going to let you folks get your free ads on my blog. Go away!

This blog is a support system for people who are dealing with addiction-- whether it's someone they love, or themselves.


Madison said...

Yes, some families (not that many) seem to be so blessed with wisdom and favor that they never have to live through much of anything. But, for the rest of us, we get to lean on a loving God's strength to help us live in peace. We get to believe that the biggest flakes in the world will grow to become the amazing people they were born to be. All mistakes forgiven. Walking miracles. We get to believe before we see. Have a very blessed day.

Cheri said...

I love all the comments that HBS, PG, and Madison have made here today. We are all slow learners, but by God's grace we learn; and so will our "flakey" kids. =)

Madison's comment closely parallels something a dear friend said to me when we were discussing the fact that some families experience very little heartaches, while others deal with devastating circumstances. And many of us end up somewhere in the middle. Her take on it all was that God gives "special" kids to "special" parents. In other words, some kids take more time, more patience, and are harder to rear and love than others. God only gives those kinds of "special" kids to parents who He knows will be able to lean on Him and get through it.

I know many will disagree with her assessment; as for me, I found it a bit comforting. And it made me want to draw closer to God. We are in this together!

Debby, as for the idiotic drug websites harassing you... I had a thought the other day ~ maybe it's the use of the word "oxycontin" in your blog title that draws them to your site. I know that you chose that to reach hurting people who need to find you, but a small change of name might just get them off your back. Just a thought.

May God bless your weekends, each of you,

Cheri and Wayne

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Wow, it just always amazes me at the power of this blog group we have. I read the comments above after reading your post. Today, my only comment is how lucky we are to have one another...simply amazing.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Cheri, I loved your comment. So well said.
Yes, I feel so blessed by those who read and comment on my blog. It means so much to me.

Angelo said...

You are a strong women (like you mentioned)and you are doing everything perfectly. Don't second guess yourself when it comes to B and decision making. Your really handling this.