Special Delivery and reconnecting

I finally went back to bed at 3:30am and I got a little bit of sleep-- like 3 hours worth.  I am really struggling with this inexplicable back spasm/pinched nerve thing.  Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my chiropractor. Unlike my son, I will do anything to not take any kind of pain medicine.  Codeine makes me sick to my stomach, and I much prefer holistic approaches for pain. I've been alternating ice and heat and massage, but I'm still not 100%

I decided I needed to go to church, today.  Though it hurts to sit still for long, I love my church and I always walk away with an encouraging message.  I made two important decisions, today, but first--

My son. 

B called me after we have left church and had gone grocery shopping.  He sounded really depressed, and asked for me to look for his phone charger. His phone had been dead since last night. I had plans to do some cooking for the week, but my muscle spasms were rendering me pretty useless.  I decided to have my husband load up my son's box of clean clothes he left behind, some sugar-free sodas he loves (I rarely drink sodas) and I gathered up a few grocery items that I forgot to bring him. I headed back into town, which is only ten minutes away.

Let's pause  a moment-- I received a comment from someone who doesn't list an email, so I need to make a general response to the gist of it.  This is the part of the comment I want to address:

He's hungry because he lost his job and spent all his money. This is a magical moment in the life of a drug addict. Time to reflect on what drugs have done. Ah, wait, here comes mom to the rescue with milk, bread and supplies. Maybe next time B will learn what it's like to be hungry and not take responsibility for providing his own food.

I admit that I was, at first, a bit put off by the harshness of this comment. But, that's my ego speaking. I thought about it, and I can see that person's viewpoint. However, I want to say that I do not necessarily think it's enabling to provide food staples to someone who is broke (for whatever reason), and is a Type I diabetic.  Maybe that commenter doesn't understand the full impact of my son's tragic dilemma.  B is addicted to opiates and he is insulin dependent because his pancreas doesn't work. I've had people try to peddle miracle vitamins to us that will "cure" his diabetes. Sadly, many people don't realize that my would die without insulin. At this time, there is no cure for Juvenile Diabetes.

I did not deliver gourmet food, chips and junk food to my son. I could not, in good conscience, allow my son to be without any kind of juice-- in the event he hits a low blood sugar.  I do not give my son cash. Period. My son has a very modest trust fund that my mother left him. I am the trustee. I have made sure that this money will not be fully available to him until he turns 25. It isn't much, but it will be a little something. It's a good thing, or he would have smoked every penny of my mother's hard earned life savings.  Sometimes, I will use that cash to benefit my son-- like his rehab, his Sober Living Enviroment home and to repair his car so that he could get to and from his job...since it was too far to walk or there wasn't bus service. Unfortunately 75% of that trust fund is now gone... all for medical bills and rehab related costs that our insurance did not cover.

I own up to being co-dependent with my son, but I think I have made leaps and strides in saying "no" to my son. I doubt there isn't a loving mom on this planet who isn't co-dependent or who becomes "soft". However, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at setting boundaries. That is why my son no longer lives in our home.  Please, give me some credit!

So, back to my day.  I bought some basics so that my son can eat-- milk, bread, eggs and juice. I will take the money spent (under $50) out of his trust fund. He knows it, and he's thankful.

B looked better than I expected. He looked clean-shaven but very tired.  He's detoxing, he says, Day #3. That sounds about right. That would be the day after his Pay Day (his pattern).  He is very shook up about his friends' overdose. I will share more on that, at a later time. Not now.

He was thankful for the food and I handed him my letter.  He looked sad. He says that he can't read my letters, because they hurt too much.

I told him to do what he wants with the letter, but that I needed to share my honest feelings with him.

My son said to me, "I'm really trying, mom" (to quit using).

I looked at him, and I didn't know what to say.

Finally, I said that I had to go.  I asked him to call me, next time, with good news. I told him that I could not sleep after what he told me yesterday.

"Why?" he asked, incredulously...

He doesn't understand the impact his addiction has on our lives.  I hear that from addicts who leave comments-- like Angelo.  I hear that from Barbara, who faithfully leaves comments to me.

Addiction is so selfish, isn't it? 

Tonight, I'm feeling better that I saw my son. He's a good looking young man, I have to say. Behind those beautiful green eyes, and those thick long lashes of his, I see such sadness.  His beautiful and infectious laugh isn't there.

My son is detoxing on his own... again.  I can already see it-- his insomnia, lack of appetite and restlessness.

My two decisions I've made-- I am going to return to the Women's Bible Study Group at my church.  To most people, I seem as though I'm a confident and outgoing person-- on my own turf. Truth be told, I am a nervous wreck when I am put into a room full of strangers.  I fear rejection, you see. It's all about my insecurities from my childhood. I've blogged about this early on, when I started this blog. But, I will do this to work on my own self.

I also decided that I will try and return to Celebrate Recovery. 

I have blogged about why support groups, in my area, haven't work for me. I'm in a small town, folks. I've done Al-Anon and I walked away with an empty feeling. I cannot relate to alcoholism.  I cannot find an open meeting for NA that I can go to, where I live.  I have also blogged about the excellent classes that my husband and I attended at my son's treatment center. Yes, I know all about how important support groups and counseling are. I've logged my fair share of hours seeking professional counseling and I have attended support groups.  I think they work, if you can find a good group.

But, I will try Celebrate Recovery again.  Maybe, this time, I will find support in my own backyard.

I really need to reconnect with the Lord, and to build my spiritual faith.  I have a feeling that the Dark One is going to attack my family. My son is under spiritual attack.  I need to stay strong and to continue to trust God.

This week, I'm going to gear up to start blogging in more of a story line. I have not told my son's story, about how he even got started using drugs.

It's time that I do that.  I hope that my son's story will help others.  We need to stick together-- we parents of drug addicts. 

Please don't hesitate to leave comments for me. Even if they might sound harsh, I carefully consider what is said.   I just wish that some of you, at least, had an email where I could write back to you privately. I understand, though.  Many of us need to remain anonymous.

May the Lord bless you, and keep you-- and encourage your hearts.  I pray for all the addicts who are out there-- untreated and unable to find help.  I pray for a miracle for them.

In Jesus' Powerful and Holy Name.